I'll keep running, just to find a way to YOU.

I asked if you would be okay with us not being married because honestly, I am scared.

I am scared of losing you and always wishing you are here. Of course it is beautiful to have somebody physically present. I am scared, anxious and insecure. What if we both settle down and you realised our savings was not going to make it, and then you decide to leave me to go back on board again?

I told you that I want to take the time off to study and to travel, because I need to focus on other things. I’ve been yearning and missing you for a while now. And all you’ve asked was for us to do this for another 3 years, till you’re done. You’ve already made up your mind, what else can I say? I mean, Amma has already made up her mind also.

I really want to stop my feelings for you. Because if you know how insecure I am and how much it makes me sad not having you here. Of course I would like if I have you around and I get to hold you or talk to you, or just the minute to see you over lunch or dinner. Or even just a jog at the park.

We are together, but we are not together. How do you expect me to grasp on nothing, but just your words. You’ve said that I needed to learn to trust, to have faith. But we’ve broken each other’s heart before.

That was my point.

You questioned my love, my feelings. You called me out and said I was using you for a time pass. It hurt me a lot. Very very much actually. And I feel that we don’t understand each other. How can our raasi match when we don’t even listen to our other half.

You want a better security... you want that extra savings and I understand that. And it made me sad because you think I’m considering other men when there were no people to even begin with

I am worried, everybody else is worried. My mother asked me not to get the place because she knows that I want to move over to Ipoh. I was already willing to leave everything behind for you, but I began wondering. Why am I jumping everything for you?

That was when I explain that I am a person of feelings over principles. And it upsets you so much. You said my love was bullshit because love isn’t having somebody there. Love is not physical. And it made me wonder, why do you even love me even? I kept asking you this question. Three times, four times I asked. Your only answer was because I love you more.

You said I ruined your month, and for the first time in many months, I’ve felt like, you never did understood me. And as much as I love you, you don’t even understand my point when I try to tell you about my insecurities and things I want to do.

I’ve heard your worry in your voice and as much as you hate it, you just want to protect me. And for the first time after so long, I made you so angry. And I don’t know if it is a good thing or not. You mistaken me for so many things. But I am glad you told me how you feel.

My name also you could spell wrongly, let it be the care that I think we have for each other. I’m asking you to focus on your family and yourself. Because I no longer want to be a burden to you. And as much as it sucks, I wished you understood me a little bit more.

I love you, always.

You are my kind of blessing.

You are my kind of blessing.

It was 3pm when I texted you all of my worries. 4pm passed, 5pm passed, 6pm passed and yet I did not hear from you. By 10pm I still did not get a reply and my anxiety grew. I was freaking out of nowhere knowing you’re so far away and I’m not there for you and neither were you here to love and hold me, on days that 

I needed you.

In all of my previous relationships and friendships, 

I’ve always been blessed with the sole fact that they have always been within a call or whatsapp away. 

I’ve always been surrounded with love 

that I’ve never needed to request it.

And then, came you.

I’ve thanked you so many times for living so well. But I’ve never once told you about how I actually felt about you, about us. The idea of us scares me a lot, honestly. But, I want you to know that you make me the 

happiest girl on Earth.

Three am came and you began replying all of my texts. Words by words, assurance after assurance I’ve read them. It was all at one go and yet, I began trembling. 

I was NOT convinced. 

It took you 12 hours to come back to me. I began tearing while typing my replies. And I realised, I’ve been so vulnerable and that I’m so weak that I hate it so much. This is not me, not the me that I’ve known.

After my dad passed away, I’ve never really relied on anybody to get anything. And here you are, holding on to your phone, reassuring me that it would be okay. That we are okay. I called you within that heartbeat. And within a second of the phone ringing, you picked it up.

I began crying so hard, telling you how frustrated I am. And you handled the situation so well.

I must have taken you by surprise when I cried so hard, and you sounded so helpless. 

Words after words, time after time, you listened to me. Promised me that this too, shall pass.

I know I don’t say it enough. 

But thank you for always being here. 

Thank you for always loving me. And thank you, for being mine. Thank you for always holding my heart through this storm. And as much as it scares me, 

I love you.

Rainy days will pass, but my love for you would be eternal. I love you, I do.

#TwentySix #Blessings #BestBirthdayPresent #MyLove 

Because you are my Chaudhary.

It has been 3 months before 

I last sat down for a post and because this was going to be 

my first of the year post of 2020, I might as well make it a great one :) 

This post was dedicated to a soul so dear to me, and I have to pin this here that I have so many words to say to you, but I cannot thank you enough so here it goes. 

Mawloud had been an amazing friend, companion, talker, listener. A year ago, if you would have asked me on the thoughts of furthering my studies, I would have laughed. My exact replies would have been, “I barely made out of Undergraduate life, and here you are asking me to do my Masters and then Doctorate?”. I would have waved anybody off that comes in my way. 

Truthfully, 2019 hasn’t been an easy year. I’ve lost and I’ve gained. Mostly lost. Maybe because I’ve come to a point that I used to think people should at least work and put in effort to be part of my life. But then I realized that in all honesty, it is a bullshit. That nobody honestly owes you that. 

And you have to own yourself up to it. 

I have been in and out of getting to know people and wanting more out of the horizons. Always expecting more, always asking and demanding more. The 25 year old me would have never stopped at just being good enough, because truthfully, I would have wanted more in this lifetime. And that was honestly, by far, the BIGGEST mistake, anybody could have ever done. 

Then, came you. I have wrote about a lot of people. People who I’ve cherished and later lost. People who, at a point of my lifetime, I thought were going to be there forever. But the thing that I was never mentally prepared was that, I, Raveenaa screws up too. I’ve had flaws and I’ve had mistakes. Things that I’m not proud of, but would I revert in time to change them? To hell I won’t. But that’s the thing about being a vocal and yet indecisive person like me. I've always been a firm believer that things should stay in the past because they belong there, so why bother?

When I lost a very important figure in my life to death, and then another person, to another girl, and another guy to another life circumstances, 

I find it crazy. I found it so hard to cope. Because how could people turn just overnight, right? But then I often forget. That, even for the tiniest bits 

of reason, feelings fades and the weather changes too. What was I thinking when I thought people would have remained the same? 

AND THEN, CAME YOU. 

This was a person, who if I could honestly laid it down for you, would have never been the top of my list. He sucks at good morning texts. He sucks at being romantic and above everything else, he loathes taking photographs. 

Of all the flaws that this person own, this was also the one person, who is always there. Ya allah ya rabbi. If I could have had an amazing day in court, this is the one person who I sits and talks to after. If I had a terrible day in office and wants to cry it off, this is also the one person I get to bombard it with. And I am eternally grateful for blessings like this in life. 

My mother used to tell me to always count your blessings, and that the best people in life comes free to us. Well, that’s how she met dad. 

But to have the one person who motivates me to do better. 

To always sabar because patience is half of your iman. 

And above everything else, to always know the right things to say to me. 

I cannot thank you enough. Honestly. 

So this is me, telling you that I want to pursue my studies. 

That, I want to be able to do what I can do. 

But better, bigger. That I know there is a part of me who will whine like 

a little girl, but at the end of the day, I will complete this. And when I do,

 we would all be as equally astounded by the sound of this. 

Because, if a Chindian mixed girl from Cheras could do it, then so do you. 

Signing off because I gotta go tell you I’ve wrote about you :)

December 2019.

I chopped of 42cm worth of hair. Wasn’t sure if it was the best decision in my life considering when my mother saw me after the hair cut, she thought I had did a mistake. Both my brothers knew how much I loved my long hair but also respected that I needed new beginnings to a lot of endings.

2019 was a year that thought me a lot of things. It was a year and would always be one that shows me, how emotional can a 25 year old me feel. Above anything else, I’m also capable of feeling and being hurt. Many of us think that we are just capable of being hurt by others words and actions, but we don’t realize that at times, people have to react in that manner in order to protect themselves from people like you and I, alike.

Of course if you would have been following my life stories and dating life, you would have realized that I’ve given up on more people than they do on me, simply because it’s not that I do not believe in second chances but more towards the fact that, I am of the person who feels that it is unfair for a person to change himself for me.

I’ve hurt and been hurt for good almost 19 persons and it took me a while to actually realize that perhaps, the reason is me. I convince myself way too much that I should try hard and harder but it always makes me even more disappointed because I realized that “I try so hard, and I’m never the chosen one”. And when I finally wanting to put a stop to this, then came YOU.

It was two in the morning when I told you that your voice would be of a comfort to me and it would help me sleep back. I had a real terrible nightmare that day, I think it involved something or rather someone with a hitman killing my past. And perhaps, this was a sign that it is indeed time for me to move on. That there should be a pause and this was mine. Dear you, I honestly do not remember what we spoke about but I remembered listening to you attentively speaking about the child that you love and adore. She must have been a huge part of your life and would always be. How does a person like me or a girl like anybody in that matter, seek comfort from that? I woke up, and wanting to write to you, it was then when I realized that you took away kind words of mine. You called me a coward and I woke up for a little bit. You see strength and that
my voice matter, why don’t I see myself in that manner, I thought. Again, making me wonder on a Wednesday morning is that, what is it that I didn’t do that was just going to be enough? Situations reversed, wouldn’t you have felt that even relationships and love was against me. Of course we comfort ourselves that this would get better, but until then, hold on.

But to what? Hold on to what, I shrieked. I can never fall for vague or false hopes nor promises anymore thus I think it’s okay. For me to take a little break and review on myself a little.
That perhaps, all 2019 was trying to teach me was to put myself first
above everybody else.

If this was going to take one year to learn and
10 or 20 guys for me to only wake up, then so be it! 2019 would always be a year worthy of remembering. From winning sarees, to solo travels to Langkawi, Vietnam and Taiwan to the very sole fact that
I have won the Air Asia travelling plan this year! I even managed to release a short film which was shot and inspired by me. I’m capable of writing more advertistments and to winning more court cases because 2019 wasn’t supposed to be a depressing one. I can do this and I will do this!

Dear Raveenaa, you are capable of so many more things in life.
Do not let this set you back. Don’t give up just yet. I have come to a realization that only me can save me. And I don’t think anybody can take that away from me. I have to be allowed to be focusing on myself and my career now, and for the longest of time, I have to learn that it is okay to be my own cheerleader and that IT IS OKAY.

I think I’m ready for 2020 now.

Half of my heart is in Havana.

I usually plan on my writing materials before I put them up, but I guess tonight shall be an exception. I should at least go free style tonight. 

It's been two months long since I last work on a piece. 

I would just leave it at I've not been having the inspiration to write. We should just put it at I really want a piece to be at least before the year ends. Here I am. 

It is December and we are three weeks away before the New Year's and there's so much that you and I should be achieving before the New Year's. 

A friend texted me earlier and we promised to work on our New Year Resolution together. Considering it is 20-20 next year, 
I should be able to come up with at least 20 resolution by mid of next year! 

After all, if you know me as a person, you would know that my 
New Year only begins only after the Chinese New Year. 

In all honesty, I have so much to tell you. But to add on to my 20 List of New Year Resolutions among others are to keep a diary, to do bungee jumping, and most importantly, I've been wanting to squeeze in the 4 travel trips in the period of 12 months and till date, I am stilll so clueless as to how I shall execute it. 

 Killer mukuthi and tattoes, are you and they are bae. 

I am in this midst of ice breaking with this person who would kidnap/save/be there for me on my wedding day. This is the guy who would come running for me and laugh at me when I need this. It's only been 
72 hours but this one is something. A lot of people has seen different sides of him and this is the one person, that I know would not fail on me. 

So many of you has asked about the post I put up on Instagram but it is fair for me to say that it was his favourite person on Earth, I would just stop at;

My favourite colour is yellow and yours in blue. I really like cheese and you love chocolates. I love music and you are a great singer. I laugh too much and you wink a little too much. You have such soft spot to small children and I think they're little Devil. You think you are the villain but humbly, 
I think you're a God's child who just returned from Hell to save mankind. 

I've been writing a little too much long texts lately 
but I'll stop at, wherever you are, stay a little longer? 

"11: 11

On the phone with you whilst writing this"

This Is Me (:

Tonight, a little part of me died more inside. 

Dear Sadness, hello once again. 

It is crazy. Of course it is. 

When I took the move to end a 4 years relationship, everyone thought I was doing the right thing. No one was around to hold my hand through this fire pit I threw myself into. I kept questioning if it was the right thing to do. 

I can never accept defeat to a soul who knew you for just 3 months long. True, time is never a measure or a medium to know someone. 

But to accept someone who cuts herself and then pushes me off the edge. 

Do I really deserve this? *breaks out crying*

I kept control and I returned every possible memory I could have of this person. I don’t deserve the first saree that you’ve handpicked for me although you had no idea how much I loved it. I closed the chapter and I gave myself a closure. I cried so much and convinced myself that I deserved better. I can and I will find better. I cried so much in this lifetime. 

When I met person A, of course like any other we started off as friends. And as many of you would have know, life can never give me enough happiness. Things happened when I was abroad in Vietnam, and that was when he decided to move for another. I wished for many things in life, but if there is one thing, I will stop at, I wished you would have told me upfront.

This left me baffled. I lost a war to a person who I have never met, 

never known. Never heard of. I wished the girl really makes you happy man. Three months was not short, the period that I was with you, turned out to be amazing but I realized that it was so much better to lose you now, rather than three years down the road. Life as it was, I learned to fix myself. I put broken pieces of myself that I could and I walked the walk. 

I walked out of your life.

It was hard but eventually I did. That was when B, walked into my life. 

Like any other promises, you told me that we would sit through business, 

share market classes, marketing classes, and above all, our chess dates. 

That was when you broke my heart once again 

by having me finding out that you were indeed seeing someone else. 

The worst kind of pain is actually telling you how precious and how much 

I care about you. I realized you were the kind of person who says one thing and then, does the other. You were just a friend but I guess that this is it.

I tried fixing myself so hard. Each and every single time somebody takes 

a piece of me with them, I assured myself that it would be okay. That this 

are the steps for me to find The One person who MIGHT make me happy. 

That was when person C came in. Thank you for ghosting out 

and for promising me that you were just here like any other. 

Thank you for dissappearing after having me opening up my life story. 

You were just there because you wanted, sorry. 

You NEEDED a lawyer’s advice and help. What kind of a friend are you, who would have just abandoned me on moments I needed you the most?

When all of this happened, I almost gave up. I was at wits ends, assuring myself that I should give this one more try. That was when person D snuck around and stayed. We had fun. Amazing dinner dates and long drives. 

I would never forget the drive from Brickfields to Assunta Hospital and coming back again, just because I was in the mood to see a lake at night. 

Like I’ve said above, when life sees me a little happy. That’s when it gives me a little taste of my own medicine. I found out that Little Mr. Mechanic here is very much engaged to another soul and belongs to another. 

Of course, I had to break both our hearts knowing this is probably 

the last mess I should put myself in. Because it is never worth the fight. 

Never did and never will. 

I finally gave in and told myself that I will close my heart. 

That this shall be the end of all of my heart broken episodes. 

That was when, you stepped in. You who was my first. 

My all time favourite. The one person who set the bar so high where 

I figure nobody could have ever reached you. The period of waiting for you to be back from ship and boarding again, everything happened in a blink 

of an eye but words after words, time after time that you have hurt me, 

would they all be worth it? I doubt.

You were amazing. You had always been. I was hurt, torn, broken. 

But you waited. You waited for me to heal. And mend me pieces by pieces. 

At the end of it all, you, person E, left too. I hung on to your words. 

Your words weigh a lot to me. But this is you, telling me that you still hasn’t move beyond the two weeks girl. Making me wonder, you’ve put our 10 months to a halt, don’t you? Everything was a fucking joke to you, ain’t it?

This is me writing in October that I need to focus on myself and to put a stop to all this. I need to rebuild myself and my confidence. But where do 

I begin, when each of them has taken very precious pieces of myself? 

My heart, my smile, my hands, my soul and most importantly, 

my happiness. Dear people/humans of Raveenaa’s world, If you think I’m avoiding you and I’ve been really away, trust me that I am not sorry but 

I have been taking time off learning to be alone and really learning to pick myself up. I’ve been sad, really sad but I don’t wanna be sad anymore.

Dear Sadness, where do I begin?

; Dil Mera Blast, Darshvan Raval 

Sohneya, Sohneya...

It's been a week.

It's been a week you've returned back to work and to ship, 

and I am writing this reminiscing that a week ago, I was holding to my phone for dear life knowing you had boarded the flight leaving the country. 

There were so many unsaid words after the Batu Caves date but I thought 

I should write them down. Cause even if one day if I were to have amnesia, it is these words of mine that will remind me of how much I feel for you. Remind me about our story on nyaalum paalum (this debate I hold on first).

That Tuesday evening, you called me and told me that you've been called to report back to ship and in all honesty, I teared so much. I cried because 

I didn't expect 3 months to fly this quickly when you're with me. Never realize how much time I've took for granted till you had to leave again.

That Tuesday night you texted me saying you have a favour to ask and you asked if I was working tomorrow. I immediately called in to take an annual leave because knowing if I had been honest, you would have not let me see you before leaving. I almost cursed myself cause office damn busy.

That Wednesday morning I showered and put on my laziest sweater, 

drove 19 km to go see you. That morning, there you were. I don't 

want to go into details because these were memories I should hold on to. 

When I saw you walking out of that station, my heart skipped so much and we drove in that cold Wednesday morning towards the clinic. You wanted me to leave right after that, you refuse to have me stay with you despite knowing how much my eyes pleaded. After much debates in the car, 

I almost give up and said up to you only then you agreed and told me to park and come get you *who even fights with me*. We sat near Masjid Jamek Square and you taught me everything you remembered and knew. 

At that point, I just wanted to lean in and speak to you in languages that you could understand. But I witheld myself because I knew, I kept reminding myself that this isn't going anywhere. That you are just a boy from North who thinks KL girl is too much for you. *this is me smiling*

We did the medical check and proceeded to the office. That was when it annoyed you about everything. You get so angry about the tiniest of things and I laughed it off. I laughed so much at it, and that was when I realized. 

You and I have so much in common, you're such a comedy piece. 

That one moment when we had to wait for good two hours because that office hasn't registered you in, I had this quick momentous time that we had as I was seated and you bought me my tea. My morning tea otherwise my soul will not be rested. You placed the hot tea before me and watched as 

I slowly sipped on them. Where had you been my whole life, really? 

You have no idea how much I adore you then as I watched you with my quiet eyes. We went up again but only to be declined once again. That was when I told you, lets make our way to the post office. As I was busy choosing my newly wanted philately stamps. You watched and came in and wanted to pay for my stuffs again. Knowing how much this guilt will kill you one day, I refused but your face changed. I know you felt guilty, I know how much you appreciate me going through this distance for you, but I need you to also know that I go through this distance for people that I care. 

I later went down for coffee and you went to your morning talk. While reading and drinking coffee, red flag alert since this is my second sweet cup already of the day and it wasn't even afternoon yet. I sat quietly and was planning if I could take you to Connaught night market that was when my phone bleeped and I saw the air plane ticket leaving Malaysia.

My heart sank a little. 

I tried to remain calm and kept my composure when you came down. 

We drove to Seri Pacific Hotel to help you check in and by then, it was already noon and we were both already so hungry. There was this brief moment where I leaned in on your shoulder and you just held me for that bliss 3 minutes before we pulled back and went off for lunch.

You will never know how much that ever meant to me because 

I think deep down, I would always be this younger sister to you. 

We went to take away for lunch because you were already not feeling so good and wanted to head back to nap. I drove back for nap and wanted to see you so badly for dinner. Raveenaa, don't try so hard for people. 

That two hours drive from home to you, I kept reminding myself that 

I WOULD NOT CRY. That I will be this big girl who handles herself and pull herself together. I reached over and you were so occupied with your cousin brother. I was so torn not wanting to let you go. I wanted to drive you to 

Mid Valley but because I only had 2 hours with you as the agent had to pick you up at 9 pm to the airport, I decided to change location to Sogo. 

Again, I had the chance to show you where I worked previously around Sentul. I showed you were Tasty Banana Leaf is and where Desi Chapati. 

I wasn't able to show you where the Court is, but one day, I will. 

We went around Sogo getting the very last minute things you needed before boarding time. We went to have dinner together and that was 

when it hit me. That this might be the last dinner we'll ever have together. 

I remembered that night we ate and laughed away. 

We laughed from our crazy date stories to our families to the fact that 

I promising to be married at 28. It was such an amazing dinner night. 

We cleaned and left the table. I remembered before leaving that night, 

we went to get snicker bars and you refused to let me wait with you. 

You wanted me to be home. The drive from Sogo back to your hotel was the worse because we both drove in silence. When we arrived, my heart broke into the millionth of pieces you can ever think of. But this is you, hugging me as you bid your goodbyes. I was already in tears when the peck at the cheek happened. I said my goodbye cause you were already running late. I came home that night and cried so much like a small girl who didn't get her lollipop. I cannot believe this is happening again. This is exactly like last January where I let you go without telling you how I feel.

Here I am promising myself that I will let you know, the next time I see you. 

; Arijit Singh x Atif Aslam