I sat there...

I sat there, staring, wishing if only
 I could actually see myself from another person’s view.

I sat there, wishing that I release this soul of mine, 
of all the torment that I puts it through.

I sat there, half wishing that if I could turn back time,
 I would pray to meet you from another person’s view.

I sat there and I wished that perhaps these air particles would turn me into her. I wished I was good enough for you.
 I wished I was broken enough for you to tell me that it is okay to be damaged, that perhaps it is alright to be this way.

I sat there across the coffee table, staring at you as I could feel hot tears run down my cheek as I try my hardest to speak yet no words was coming out of my throat. I see you there, clearly indulged in this new life of yours. Perhaps
 one who doesn’t have anybody that burdens you anymore.

I sat there feeling all sorry for I was such a pathetic being. 
I was never there on days you needed me. I had always been such an independent lady. I had never counted on anyone to back me up. I never needed anyone, cause I was so used 
to be left behind that I feel, I no longer need to deal 
with this part of human being. Not until, you came along.

I sat there, wishing you would have known me slightly earlier. A little earlier from all the people I knew. I would have adored the way your hair sways or how you 
brush them backwards during your basketball practices.

I sat there and my thoughts began ponder, running themselves into milky way of thoughts and I began thinking that perhaps, if it wasn’t for the sad poet that I knew of, I wouldn’t have even met you. It amazes me as to how much people think they are a similar person, but deep down, I truly see differences in the both of you. The Poet and well, 
my ma. Yeps, sorry used to be mine.

I sat there so desperately trying to reach out to you, but my thoughts were taken aback. It was as if they were engulfed by this big shadowy Mr. Midnight guy as he swallows me and turns my thoughts into ones that haunts me forever.

I sat there and began questioning myself. I cannot afford to lose you, really I can’t. I’ve grown so used to having you around that the thought of no longer having you around, sinks. I remember always telling you that my answer would always be you. Over and over again, I choose you. 
But when I hear you that day, I knew that I lost this war.

I sat there trying to digest the thought of not speaking to you for the past four days and adrenaline kicked in as I dared myself to picked up the phone to hear your voice. I wasn’t ready for you to bid that final goodbye. But when you acted as if everything was okay and fine, it broke me. It tore me open I swore it felt like a gazillion knives stabbed through me in a deep blue ocean and I was left open to die.

I sat there trying to convince myself that perhaps when you hear what was I going to say you will at least change your mind. But then, you brought her up. You spoke things about her and my mind began its work as to how I shouldn’t be the reason why you both might stop talking to each other again.

I sat there and I could feel how much I was trembling. 
It wasn’t very cold but I felt as if I wanted to vomit my entire lungs out cause I hate this motion sickness in me. 
I did my hardest, I tried my hardest. I gave my all, it was never good enough for her. What killed me even more was that she mocked me behind my back, despite having me do this all for her. What blackmailed me even more is that I looked up to you, my dear. I adored you because I thought you were a pretty Iron Lady who does know her worth and you were going to go far. But little did I know, that it was
 all misused by you, and you had it real good, babe. 
Guess what? You won!

I sat there and felt like I was gasping for air. 
It felt as if I have not been breathing but I wished I could have convinced you to stay. I wished I could show you my part of the world, of how you have painted them as you entered my life. I wished I was better at convincing you to ask you to stay in my life and make you see, for yourself, of how much I’ve achieved with you around. Of how much fun you’ve brought about and how much joy you’ve brought to my family and I. How do I tell you to pick between the both of us? How do I live with the thought that these are the people who have known you longer than me. After all, what have I done so wrong to have achieve such a treatment?

I sat there thinking, why didn’t you said a word about any of these? Why didn’t you stand up for me? Is this how things are going to be from now onwards? That I was supposed to act? That perhaps, down the road, when somebody asked me whether do I know you, and I would answer that “I used to?”. It kills bae, it kills so much for not being able to tell you all of these. But if there is somebody, that makes 
you feel happy, then who am I, to stand in your way?

I sat there and finally realized, that I was really wrong. 
That you are not my first or my last choice, 
cause you were indeed my BEST choice. 

22 : 40 p.m. 

Congratulations! It hurts, because I care.

     Be numb!     

     Stop feeling so much!     

     You can do better than this!     

It hurts that night when she had to listen to you scream all over on the other end of the line. It hurts because as she was talking to you, her voice was cracking and she was indeed at the verge of crying yet you carried on bringing her down as if she didn't mean anything. How could you be so cold? How could you be so mean? You were her world and she was the best. She was the only one who know how to treat you right in your world. You knew it deep down from the bottom of your heart that she had always put you first in anything and everything that she does. 
She was the best in things that she does. She was at the top of everything that she had in her hands, yet, YOU. You are probably the one and only person that could make her feel as if she was never good enough. Yet, congratulations to you for making 

her feel so WORTHLESS once again. 

Thank you for creating the spark within her, between you both and then turned around, and showed that everything that you've said yourself backfired you yourself once more. Let her go. Why do you keep on insisting upon holding her back? You've made your choice and you've moved your chess piece. It is hard and one final good blow onto her face and her heart. Your final move is fatal. It is indeed a checkmate. Good job, you've finally killed her. 

   She is dead and gone. Forever and always.    

Congratulations! 

You will always always be my three a.m. thoughts.