I sat there...

I sat there, staring, wishing if only
 I could actually see myself from another person’s view.

I sat there, wishing that I release this soul of mine, 
of all the torment that I puts it through.

I sat there, half wishing that if I could turn back time,
 I would pray to meet you from another person’s view.

I sat there and I wished that perhaps these air particles would turn me into her. I wished I was good enough for you.
 I wished I was broken enough for you to tell me that it is okay to be damaged, that perhaps it is alright to be this way.

I sat there across the coffee table, staring at you as I could feel hot tears run down my cheek as I try my hardest to speak yet no words was coming out of my throat. I see you there, clearly indulged in this new life of yours. Perhaps
 one who doesn’t have anybody that burdens you anymore.

I sat there feeling all sorry for I was such a pathetic being. 
I was never there on days you needed me. I had always been such an independent lady. I had never counted on anyone to back me up. I never needed anyone, cause I was so used 
to be left behind that I feel, I no longer need to deal 
with this part of human being. Not until, you came along.

I sat there, wishing you would have known me slightly earlier. A little earlier from all the people I knew. I would have adored the way your hair sways or how you 
brush them backwards during your basketball practices.

I sat there and my thoughts began ponder, running themselves into milky way of thoughts and I began thinking that perhaps, if it wasn’t for the sad poet that I knew of, I wouldn’t have even met you. It amazes me as to how much people think they are a similar person, but deep down, I truly see differences in the both of you. The Poet and well, 
my ma. Yeps, sorry used to be mine.

I sat there so desperately trying to reach out to you, but my thoughts were taken aback. It was as if they were engulfed by this big shadowy Mr. Midnight guy as he swallows me and turns my thoughts into ones that haunts me forever.

I sat there and began questioning myself. I cannot afford to lose you, really I can’t. I’ve grown so used to having you around that the thought of no longer having you around, sinks. I remember always telling you that my answer would always be you. Over and over again, I choose you. 
But when I hear you that day, I knew that I lost this war.

I sat there trying to digest the thought of not speaking to you for the past four days and adrenaline kicked in as I dared myself to picked up the phone to hear your voice. I wasn’t ready for you to bid that final goodbye. But when you acted as if everything was okay and fine, it broke me. It tore me open I swore it felt like a gazillion knives stabbed through me in a deep blue ocean and I was left open to die.

I sat there trying to convince myself that perhaps when you hear what was I going to say you will at least change your mind. But then, you brought her up. You spoke things about her and my mind began its work as to how I shouldn’t be the reason why you both might stop talking to each other again.

I sat there and I could feel how much I was trembling. 
It wasn’t very cold but I felt as if I wanted to vomit my entire lungs out cause I hate this motion sickness in me. 
I did my hardest, I tried my hardest. I gave my all, it was never good enough for her. What killed me even more was that she mocked me behind my back, despite having me do this all for her. What blackmailed me even more is that I looked up to you, my dear. I adored you because I thought you were a pretty Iron Lady who does know her worth and you were going to go far. But little did I know, that it was
 all misused by you, and you had it real good, babe. 
Guess what? You won!

I sat there and felt like I was gasping for air. 
It felt as if I have not been breathing but I wished I could have convinced you to stay. I wished I could show you my part of the world, of how you have painted them as you entered my life. I wished I was better at convincing you to ask you to stay in my life and make you see, for yourself, of how much I’ve achieved with you around. Of how much fun you’ve brought about and how much joy you’ve brought to my family and I. How do I tell you to pick between the both of us? How do I live with the thought that these are the people who have known you longer than me. After all, what have I done so wrong to have achieve such a treatment?

I sat there thinking, why didn’t you said a word about any of these? Why didn’t you stand up for me? Is this how things are going to be from now onwards? That I was supposed to act? That perhaps, down the road, when somebody asked me whether do I know you, and I would answer that “I used to?”. It kills bae, it kills so much for not being able to tell you all of these. But if there is somebody, that makes 
you feel happy, then who am I, to stand in your way?

I sat there and finally realized, that I was really wrong. 
That you are not my first or my last choice, 
cause you were indeed my BEST choice. 

22 : 40 p.m. 

Post Kalaichaaral 2016 :] A Thank You Note :]

I could have sworn that this did not go the way that 

I have planned.

I could still remember the day where I dolled up in 

a tight brown dress as I wore my black Alain Deloin high heels boots as I tied my hair up in a super tight ponytail. To finish the look, I drew up a hot red lipstick along the curvy lines on my lips as I daringly walk into the interview room, convincing myself over and over again in my head that this is what I wanted. That I was just going to enter this and get this done and over it and within minutes I’ll be out of the door and be free. UGH.

I sat across the board of five interviewers as they questioned me one by one, as to why I qualified for the project. Two members from Tamil Language Society, Saratkumar and Senior Kalai as well as Yoges and Rathnah sat across of me on behalf of Hindu Society University of Malaya.

I couldn’t remember as to what question that were asked to me that night but it was a non - stop machine gun session honestly. I remembered having Sarath questioning me as to how would I publicize the event. Before I left the room, I remember repeating again and again to the interviewers, saying I was only here, to fit in as a normal AJK Publicity member ( honestly what

 I wanted ) or as a Marketing person considering such hectic second year of law school I was handling at the moment. Before stepping out, I looked at the interviewers once more and said these exact lines that these two legendary boards consists of people who we the new members have for cross reference purposes and to run back to for any advices. I remembered saying clearly that we could only do this with the support of both the legendary boards and then I left the interview room quickly and rushed back to my hostel knowing by heart that I’ve done the interview right.

Exactly a week later, I was expecting to see my name only as a normal member under the Publicity Bureau but trust me, I was really disappointed as I scrolled through the list and realized that my name was not on neither as a Publicity member nor a Marketing member and that was when I thought, great, I’ve yet to prove myself wrong and maybe it was the over confident of mine which had screwed the interview instead. It was then when my eye caught sight of my middle name “Lingwei” and my heart crashed to the ground when 

I saw my name on a High Committee list and not on any position but for the Treasurer post of a brand new project Kalaichaaral 2016. I almost broke into tears as

 I thought to myself, another MAJOR commitment but relief flushed through me as I saw members' names.

I really do not want to dwell on this ten months journey on this project because truth to be told, the fact that

 we pulled the project through together gets me every single time. We travelled to Aimst, Kedah, to other public universities ( Ranggoli Fiest ) ( Malam Irama Penyayang ) UKM, Bangi UniSEL, we stood by roadsides simply because we were so determined to raise this fund for the autism children. Having taglines that this goes back to the community from the community, trust me things I’ve never thought 

possible of doing, we did it. Honestly, we did, 

and not as a person, but as a TEAM.

All and all, I would just want to keep this really short considering I am writing this in an elective class but, 
I should bid my thank you first of all. I think it is
 crucial to first thank my dearest Deputy Treasurer, Harchanadevi Arivanthan for the nags and laughs 
we go through whenever we need to cut class for bank visits. I’ll honestly miss you and all the senior-junior dramas that the both of us undergo. You’re such a kind and beautiful soul that I honestly believe the boy who marries you is going to be one of the luckiest man alive. Don’t you worry about getting your cousin sister married, because you’re next in line. 
So until then, enjoy life, okay?

 

I should bid thank you to my fellow High Committee
 as well, Director and Co-Director, Sarathkumar and Ratnahjothi respectively, for always believing in me and always pushing me to do better. Vice Director, dearest Thesen Rao, who looked after both the heavy bureaus, both performance and technical. Mind you, medical student okay? You were also the 
Floor Manager that night of the event. 
For crazy lunch hours, I am going to miss all of those. 
To dear Secretary, Senior Saranya for always understanding me in just a glimpse of sight. You would literally know what I was thinking and feeling by just a look to my face. For standing through UM Central bus stop and Complex Perdanasiswa and sell tickets 
one by one, together that day. Remember when we 
almost died meeting the International Students? 
You were amongst person who I really cherish.

All and all, not forgetting dearest Producers, 
Senior Kalai, Senior Arul, Senior Shobana, Sivanes and Yoges, for believing in me and always sharing kind and courageous words to me to keep moving on. 
To always teach me upon handling the members, 
I couldn’t thank you enough. Thank you is not even enough to gratitude everything you’ve done for me.

 

 

To all of my Head of Departments, honestly, I wouldn’t know each and everyone of you well enough to write this post however besides, Protocols Head ( Thiviya ), Special Task Force ( Sharvin ), but this one’s for Senior Kavita Gopalan ( My Marketing Head Bureau ). Both you and I have come so far in this 10 months journey. Trust me we did. From handling too much of things at one go, to feeling like death was nearing in on the both of us, to me becoming Treasurer cum Head of Ticketing. From arguing to quarrelling, to shouting to hugging to all at one go and making up and doing this right, you are breathtaking. You are. Thank you, 
for bringing Jignesh into the group cause honestly, we managed to pull the entire Marketing and Sponsorship through. We made it. 15,000 is not a small amount and I think we could hold our head up high to have said the Treasurer and Marketing Head did it, senior. We did it!

To my Temple Gang group ; Thiviya Sasidharan
 ( numerology partner ), Sai Vinoshini ( dearest roommate ), Shaira Sulaiman Sha Patel ( my ever stunning modelling babe ) and my one and only etta kesayangan from Kurshiah ( Muva Cooghan Etta ), 
the four of you have been super supportive for always borrowing me your ears whenever I need them. Heck, shoulders all also you all borrow-lah. For always believing and having faith in me, I cannot thank you enough and there are just no words to describe
 how amazing you lovelies are.

Honestly, if I could go on and on, trust me I would, 
but I think it is crucial to also thank my Facilitator
 ( PM Gang ) especially this two, both Alexander Choo and Le Xuan who actually came to support my show. When you both told me you were coming I thought it was a joke until I saw both your faces. For staying till the very end and watch me do bhangra, I couldn’t be more touched as to what am I supposed to say. 
Thank you loves. Really thank you. Lets do supper 
on me again soon. I’ll buy you guys supper, I promise.
 Call Russell along, please.

The following Chinese girls goes to Wei Hui ( make up artist ), Fey Yee and Kai Hwei ( both wifey ). Thank you dearest three of you when you all freaked out cause
 I was unreachable that you rushed to DTC ( event venue ) to find me simply because you knew I would be there and I was in a mess as we were helping to finish up the ranggoli kolam and henna on my hands for the night and despite the mess I looked the three 
of you came to rescue. Just for me. I cry a river. 
What have I done for such kindness sayangs? P/S : Do look through thari_artworks for more information. 

  

Dear Wei Hui, thank you for doing my hair, make up and everything that night. You literally blew dry my hair, tie them up, spray, oiled them like a pro and you did everything so well simply because you wanted me to look stunning that night. For covering my eye-bags and scolding me so much as you rubbed on eye shadow, you put me at my best babe. Thank you so much. Dearest Fey Yee and Kai Hwei, for coming to the show at a very last minute and taking photographs with me, though you left early, I was really touched that the both of you came. Don’t worry Wei Wei, I love you too for your supportive text message. I’ve told you on whatsapp so lazy want to deal with it here. 

Before I end this post, my heartfelt gratitude 
goes out to once again, Producers, High Committee, 
Head of Departments and Crew of Kalaichaaral 2016 for making it a memorable one. The journey that we undergone was never an easy one, but trust me, it was of a meaningful one. I honestly and deeply hope 
that we could all work together sometime soon.

Lastly, to THE ONE person, who have stood by me against all odds and never gave up on me. For always showering me with kindness and your words of encouragements, for always asking me to get enough rest, and nagging and scolding whenever I have designer eye-bags below my eyes due to sleepless nights, sometimes only sleeping for four to five hours daily throughout my university days this year, I cannot believe how you could tolerate all of my naggings, scolding, tears and all. For doing breakfast and supper dates with me, *correction*, dinner sessions for me and supper for you, for always asking me to hold on, that this would be over before I knew it, you’ve no idea how much I’ve prayed and wished that you could have been there for the event. Do take care of yourself and don’t make me worried so much anymore. You mean 
a lot to me, honestly. More than you think possible.
 So please don’t ever doubt on that, would you? I really hope to see you around and I hope you do stay because I know, as time passes, you would see more of my weaknesses than of strength in me and I hope you could forgive and always turn me into a better person as time passes. I sincerely do not want to brag here, cause’ I think you do know how I feel about you.

In a nutshell, Kalaichaaral 2016  ( fun cultural event 
in English ) ended successfully and amazingly. It was both performance based and charity achieved motive. 
I have no words to describe or to tell people how it went for me. From gushing around to selling tickets to preparations for this and that to running up and down the stage, I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect and flawless night than of that. That’s all for now I guess. 
I’ll be back, with a surprise birthday post soon. 
Till then, I love you readers. Adios! xoxo.

Labels : Kalaichaaral, Kalaichaaral 2016, Treasurer, University of Malaya, PM, Sisters, The One.