December 2019.

I chopped of 42cm worth of hair. Wasn’t sure if it was the best decision in my life considering when my mother saw me after the hair cut, she thought I had did a mistake. Both my brothers knew how much I loved my long hair but also respected that I needed new beginnings to a lot of endings.

2019 was a year that thought me a lot of things. It was a year and would always be one that shows me, how emotional can a 25 year old me feel. Above anything else, I’m also capable of feeling and being hurt. Many of us think that we are just capable of being hurt by others words and actions, but we don’t realize that at times, people have to react in that manner in order to protect themselves from people like you and I, alike.

Of course if you would have been following my life stories and dating life, you would have realized that I’ve given up on more people than they do on me, simply because it’s not that I do not believe in second chances but more towards the fact that, I am of the person who feels that it is unfair for a person to change himself for me.

I’ve hurt and been hurt for good almost 19 persons and it took me a while to actually realize that perhaps, the reason is me. I convince myself way too much that I should try hard and harder but it always makes me even more disappointed because I realized that “I try so hard, and I’m never the chosen one”. And when I finally wanting to put a stop to this, then came YOU.

It was two in the morning when I told you that your voice would be of a comfort to me and it would help me sleep back. I had a real terrible nightmare that day, I think it involved something or rather someone with a hitman killing my past. And perhaps, this was a sign that it is indeed time for me to move on. That there should be a pause and this was mine. Dear you, I honestly do not remember what we spoke about but I remembered listening to you attentively speaking about the child that you love and adore. She must have been a huge part of your life and would always be. How does a person like me or a girl like anybody in that matter, seek comfort from that? I woke up, and wanting to write to you, it was then when I realized that you took away kind words of mine. You called me a coward and I woke up for a little bit. You see strength and that
my voice matter, why don’t I see myself in that manner, I thought. Again, making me wonder on a Wednesday morning is that, what is it that I didn’t do that was just going to be enough? Situations reversed, wouldn’t you have felt that even relationships and love was against me. Of course we comfort ourselves that this would get better, but until then, hold on.

But to what? Hold on to what, I shrieked. I can never fall for vague or false hopes nor promises anymore thus I think it’s okay. For me to take a little break and review on myself a little.
That perhaps, all 2019 was trying to teach me was to put myself first
above everybody else.

If this was going to take one year to learn and
10 or 20 guys for me to only wake up, then so be it! 2019 would always be a year worthy of remembering. From winning sarees, to solo travels to Langkawi, Vietnam and Taiwan to the very sole fact that
I have won the Air Asia travelling plan this year! I even managed to release a short film which was shot and inspired by me. I’m capable of writing more advertistments and to winning more court cases because 2019 wasn’t supposed to be a depressing one. I can do this and I will do this!

Dear Raveenaa, you are capable of so many more things in life.
Do not let this set you back. Don’t give up just yet. I have come to a realization that only me can save me. And I don’t think anybody can take that away from me. I have to be allowed to be focusing on myself and my career now, and for the longest of time, I have to learn that it is okay to be my own cheerleader and that IT IS OKAY.

I think I’m ready for 2020 now.

2017 Lovelies.

I am going to really laugh at this ,

but before I begin posting anything, hello! 

My blog turns 6 years old today.

 So congratulations yay! 

Before I even begin writing, 

I ought to say that I have four pending blog rolls. 

One is on drowning, the other is on my Penang trip, 

the third one is a dedication post and lastly ; this one. 

So I thought I might as well release

 this first and name it, 2017. 

Dear 2017,

If there is one thing I could start with I thought 

I should kick off this blog post with a new list of resolution. But, be right back while I die laughing 
at myself, cause who am I going to lie to? It is just going to be another damn to-do-list. But oh well, if it last, then good for me. And if it doesn't then ; so be it. 

I thought I should start with my new 17 New Year's Resolution List. And before I began writing, I dug up my old New Year's List and thought I should revamp and rewrite this whole thing simply because I really want it to be DO ABLE and ACHIEVABLE. 

I am going to be so honest upon writing this post that 
I am so sleepy to even think about anything right now. But, since a few of you have requested on resolutions, 
I guess this would be it. 

Since it is year two thousand and SEVENTEEN right? So, here are my 17 list.

1. Make this year better than 2016, 2015, 2014.....

 and the list goes on.

2. More food hunts.

3. Improve on all physical, mentally 

and most importantly, spiritual being. 

Head more to temples. Do more service instead of prayers. Commit to myself first and then work things out with other people. Really need to start at this age cause I am honestly running out of time. Sighs. 

4. Save money. 

And I mean it okay. 

5. Help others.

I need to go back to volunteering. I need to get this 
old folks' home plans, animal shelters and orphanages home happen. I honestly need to get this going. 

6. More trips. 

Been so long since I last travel, been wanting 

to visit China this year. Fingers crossed. 

7. Family, amma in specific. 

I honestly need to spend more time with her. 
I need to come back home more often and stop spending so much time in university with activities. 

I should travel home weekly, really.

8. Pick up a new hobby.

I've been thinking about going for sewing class. 

Now don't laugh okay. But legit. My mother and my maternal grandmother could sew cheongsam and saree blouses by themselves and then there is me who barely could not even fix a simple hole. I literally find so much trouble to even poke the thread through the string.

9. Write a business plan. 

I've been speaking to you, about executing the business ideas and to actually expanding that. But that being said, I need to start saving first. It is never wrong 

to learn on Unit Trust and Investment, is it? 

10. Read More Books.

Now, by reading, I've come to a realization that a lot 
of my novels are on fictions, Young Adult, animals, 
oh trust me, I have so much on animals thanks to elder brother, but I should probably start reading 
on philosophy and understanding them.

11. Be Kinder to Nature.

I need to learn this I guess. 
To have more greenery in my life. 

12. Keep a journal. In hard copy or through this blog?

I actually scrolled back to my 2011 posts 
and found out that much to my surprise, the reason why I started writing was so that one day, I could pass the username and password to my baby daughter 
just so she could continue writing. And I would tell 
her all of the stories behind each and every post.

13. Bring more peace to my life.

I wouldn't say that 2016 had been very rough on me. Heck I wouldn't even say that it was nice to me. 
But I've come to a realization that I've lost more people than I could keep track of and I need to learn this that, THAT IT IS OKAY, it is okay to lose people and to gain more people. Because those who care wouldn't mind, and those who mind wouldn't even matter. 

So where were we again? 

14. Break a bad habit.

I've been telling others that I really need to stop cursing. I've made it a promise that I am going to do it right this year, that if I actually made it through this year, I vowed to give something back in return. That is for me to know and for you to find out. Winks.
 I actually took a proper oath in front of Shivan to help me out on this matter. I knowwwwww. Scary but I'll be okay. Another note is, EGO must go, no matter 

how high I go, GOT TO STAY LOW. 

15. More tea dates definitely.

As much as I hate to admit it, it makes my teeth yellow ugh. I need to head more to tea sessions. To be honest, I've been thinking about redoing my list every start of the month and I could tick them off by the end
 of the month to see where I have come to though.

16. Become more polite and reduce stress. 

I basically just need to learn to adapt.
 I need to be happy with what I have in life and not seek for more. I need to learn to be grateful with what I have instead of complaining all the time. After all, 
I think, all I need is to reinventing myself, and
 to give myself a whole new of perspective on life.

LASTLY ; 

17. Love deeper, not harder.

To always let people know that I love them. 
That even on the day when I leave planet Earth,
 they would carry a memory of me 
till their very last breath. 

That's about it for now!

Adios! 

No more struggles.

You know I like you. 

I like that feeling that I get when I am with you. 

I like that feeling as if I belong to somebody.

 That I belong to you and you give me those gitters that I get in my tummy that gets me feeling this way. 

I have always loved the way your eyes whenever they looked at mine. I've always adored the way we looked at each other and I've always felt as if your eyes could actually look into my soul. People say that our eyes are the window to our soul. Is it true? But why do 

I only feel connected to you and not other people?

I have always loved the way your eyes whenever they looked at mine and I had always felt as if your eyes could look deep into my soul. People say that our eyes are the window to our soul. Is it true? Why 

do I only feel connected when it comes to you?

I

You know. Call it a dream. Call it a vision. 

I have always looked at us and wondered 

how things might work out between us. 

How would ever get things done?

 And I know, that you keep on 

insisting upon telling me that YOU are here. 

That YOU are here to stay forever and more. 

But I always let these little insecurities get to me. 
And I cannot help but to overcome them. 
Like what if we are married down the road together, YOU think I am such a boring person.
Like what if a person like you, 
can find someone so much better than ME. 

  What if you no longer find me attractive?
Like you used to.
Like maybe I am not that pretty after all?
That, I do, have flaws.
That I am NOT that perfect after all. 
That you've discovered. 
What happens then?

What if you stopped loving me? I know. 

There is just a demon inside of me and I have 

always knew that I don't deserve being happy.

 I have always knew that you, of all people, 

deserves someone better. Someone better than me. 

That with a status quo like yours, you do deserve a better standard and a better living. A better and prettier girl than me, at least. But, why do this 

heart of mine, yearns so much for you?

Like, if I were to wake up in the middle of the night, crying, would you stay the night up with me, comforting me? Or would you just sleep away? Like after years of seeing me with scars and stretch marks, would you still love them? Like as much as you love me? Or would you pack and run away? Would you ever do that to me? Pack my heart in your suitcase and just leave. Carrying all my dreams of us being together? Tarnishing every memories that we have. 

Would you?

Never felt like this before.
Are we friends? Or are we more?
As I'm walking towards the door.
 I'm not sure.

But baby if you say, you'd want me to stay,

I'll change my mind.

   I want you.   

Boy, you don't know how I really feel.

Since you've been away. Oh, baby.

Any chance that you could take my call?

You've been saying you don't wanna talk. 

But, it is cool. 

I've been thinking about you all day long. 

Hoping you pick up your phone. 

 

Everybody's talking how I can't, I can't be your love :'(

Do you know who that girl is in that photo? It is someone I arise to each day and the person the mirror reflects. That girl in the photo is someone I look at every single day without fail in the bathroom mirror while I was brushing my teeth or directly after having my face washed. That girl in that photo changed. I don't know what happened. But, I changed. That picture was captured by my desk-mate, this girl who sad next to me the entire Form Five life in Convent Pineapple Hill. Kit May. That is her name. The photo was took after tuition in Petaling Street. So, here is a picture of myself and Kit May :) It was a Monday ; 14/03/2011 in Mr. Freddy's Chemistry class, in Kasturi ♥

Looking at old photos and realizing how happy I were back then makes me sad. No matter how busy I used to be then. I barely recognized the girl in that photo anymore. Really, I don't know what happened. True enough when people say that, the weather change, feelings fade, the plants wilt and withered, people die, people step into your life, they touch and go, people die and people changed :O That is what I feared the most. Do you remember how much people used to tell you that you gotta have dreams in life as dreams do come true? Well, they definitely did forgot to mention that NIGHTMARES are part of our dreams as well.

She's strong, she knows her worth, she never settles. She is me ♥ 

 It is sad if you love that guy and he can't love you back that way. So,in order to save yourself,you gotta like say goodbye :'( Beautiful. So, I went dinner with my family the other day and I missed our day together. I miss spending time with you. Honestly, in my opinion, it doesn't really matter we are spending our time out together or something. I think it is comforting to know that someone is there for you. Likewise, you feel secure that he is there no matter what happens. Like, even when Hell freezes over, you'll still know he is there :'( But in my case? It seems like hardly. True, in certain people's life, the impossible become the possible. Legit huh? But, in this life, in this birth, these all truly is impossible right now. Maybe I am just putting a full stop into all these. I know, giving up doesn't sound like Raveenaa. You might think that I would be like the last person in the list to give up. But, sometimes, when you are too strong and you stop showing your emotions, people starts thinking that you don't own emotions. People forget that you too, do have feelings. I sound so emotional, cause' truly, I am feeling down.

So what obviously ruined my day today? I woke up today at four in the evening? I know. The reason why I slept in was cause' I didn't know what to have for lunch and I didn't wanna wake up and crack my head to figure out what to eat. So, once I was awake, I went to grab dinner. Remember in the previous post? I told you that I didn't get the call-backs? So, Admin nudged me and told me that they wanted me to beg them. Not appeal yeah? Beg them for a call-back? I mean? Like what for? You know I wanted that so so bad. That is like my dream okay? You know, you guys had just like ruined it for me? I know, I'm not smart. I am fully aware of it and I'm sorry that I am not. It is just, now that you pushed me to the edge and made me not get that three years, fine! You make sure this. I promised to never seek any favours nor jobs from you in the future. No matter what happens. You think I never had my future planned out? Gosh, please. Bear in mind that in life, there is always a second choice. A second opt. A second way out okay?

Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets. 

Sometimes I feel we human do take others in life for granted. I do feel that sometimes but all I give is a bitter smile. He told me something today and I wonder among us all. Like among us all you have, do I remark anything in your life as much as you do in mine? A guider? An adviser? Ironic, I care what your point of view is. So, Guik Hua texted me and she told me she had Thai food for dinner and they have killer pallets! Hot and spicy! Photos captured on Black Canyon at Jaya Jusco. 

Here are the pictures ;

Followed by two food pictures that I had in Oldtown ze other day but I forgot to update them :O 

But I can't, just the thought of you; Turns my whole world misty blue ;
Ohhhhhhh, no I can't no I can't, I can't forget you ;
My whole world turns misty blue.

Ian made me listen to this and it is so sad :O Superman ; Five For Fighting by Boyce Avenue. Funny, I was chatting with him on Facebook and he went offline. Ian, now you know how observant am I? Hahaha. Anna oh anna :) So, I think I better get going. Nothing much else to say. I've been here for an hour. Take care dear readers. Thank you for being my loyal die hard fan :)  I gotta hit the sack as well. Going Chan Sow Lin tomorrow to collect my condo keys, then Viva Mall for Mirror Mirror and finally the KLCC for PC Fair. Or should I just go KLCC to watch the movie? :O Good day and good night. 05:11 a.m.

Picture of le day!

 Found this in her phone. 2007 photo. 

Times Square, Nippon Tei. The shop has went bankrupt. 

Damn, six years passed by already? 28/07/2007. 

Dequeen Yap's birthday. I remembered :)

Song For Viola ;
Peter Bradley Adams <3