December 2019.

I chopped of 42cm worth of hair. Wasn’t sure if it was the best decision in my life considering when my mother saw me after the hair cut, she thought I had did a mistake. Both my brothers knew how much I loved my long hair but also respected that I needed new beginnings to a lot of endings.

2019 was a year that thought me a lot of things. It was a year and would always be one that shows me, how emotional can a 25 year old me feel. Above anything else, I’m also capable of feeling and being hurt. Many of us think that we are just capable of being hurt by others words and actions, but we don’t realize that at times, people have to react in that manner in order to protect themselves from people like you and I, alike.

Of course if you would have been following my life stories and dating life, you would have realized that I’ve given up on more people than they do on me, simply because it’s not that I do not believe in second chances but more towards the fact that, I am of the person who feels that it is unfair for a person to change himself for me.

I’ve hurt and been hurt for good almost 19 persons and it took me a while to actually realize that perhaps, the reason is me. I convince myself way too much that I should try hard and harder but it always makes me even more disappointed because I realized that “I try so hard, and I’m never the chosen one”. And when I finally wanting to put a stop to this, then came YOU.

It was two in the morning when I told you that your voice would be of a comfort to me and it would help me sleep back. I had a real terrible nightmare that day, I think it involved something or rather someone with a hitman killing my past. And perhaps, this was a sign that it is indeed time for me to move on. That there should be a pause and this was mine. Dear you, I honestly do not remember what we spoke about but I remembered listening to you attentively speaking about the child that you love and adore. She must have been a huge part of your life and would always be. How does a person like me or a girl like anybody in that matter, seek comfort from that? I woke up, and wanting to write to you, it was then when I realized that you took away kind words of mine. You called me a coward and I woke up for a little bit. You see strength and that
my voice matter, why don’t I see myself in that manner, I thought. Again, making me wonder on a Wednesday morning is that, what is it that I didn’t do that was just going to be enough? Situations reversed, wouldn’t you have felt that even relationships and love was against me. Of course we comfort ourselves that this would get better, but until then, hold on.

But to what? Hold on to what, I shrieked. I can never fall for vague or false hopes nor promises anymore thus I think it’s okay. For me to take a little break and review on myself a little.
That perhaps, all 2019 was trying to teach me was to put myself first
above everybody else.

If this was going to take one year to learn and
10 or 20 guys for me to only wake up, then so be it! 2019 would always be a year worthy of remembering. From winning sarees, to solo travels to Langkawi, Vietnam and Taiwan to the very sole fact that
I have won the Air Asia travelling plan this year! I even managed to release a short film which was shot and inspired by me. I’m capable of writing more advertistments and to winning more court cases because 2019 wasn’t supposed to be a depressing one. I can do this and I will do this!

Dear Raveenaa, you are capable of so many more things in life.
Do not let this set you back. Don’t give up just yet. I have come to a realization that only me can save me. And I don’t think anybody can take that away from me. I have to be allowed to be focusing on myself and my career now, and for the longest of time, I have to learn that it is okay to be my own cheerleader and that IT IS OKAY.

I think I’m ready for 2020 now.