This Is Me (:

Tonight, a little part of me died more inside. 

Dear Sadness, hello once again. 

It is crazy. Of course it is. 

When I took the move to end a 4 years relationship, everyone thought I was doing the right thing. No one was around to hold my hand through this fire pit I threw myself into. I kept questioning if it was the right thing to do. 

I can never accept defeat to a soul who knew you for just 3 months long. True, time is never a measure or a medium to know someone. 

But to accept someone who cuts herself and then pushes me off the edge. 

Do I really deserve this? *breaks out crying*

I kept control and I returned every possible memory I could have of this person. I don’t deserve the first saree that you’ve handpicked for me although you had no idea how much I loved it. I closed the chapter and I gave myself a closure. I cried so much and convinced myself that I deserved better. I can and I will find better. I cried so much in this lifetime. 

When I met person A, of course like any other we started off as friends. And as many of you would have know, life can never give me enough happiness. Things happened when I was abroad in Vietnam, and that was when he decided to move for another. I wished for many things in life, but if there is one thing, I will stop at, I wished you would have told me upfront.

This left me baffled. I lost a war to a person who I have never met, 

never known. Never heard of. I wished the girl really makes you happy man. Three months was not short, the period that I was with you, turned out to be amazing but I realized that it was so much better to lose you now, rather than three years down the road. Life as it was, I learned to fix myself. I put broken pieces of myself that I could and I walked the walk. 

I walked out of your life.

It was hard but eventually I did. That was when B, walked into my life. 

Like any other promises, you told me that we would sit through business, 

share market classes, marketing classes, and above all, our chess dates. 

That was when you broke my heart once again 

by having me finding out that you were indeed seeing someone else. 

The worst kind of pain is actually telling you how precious and how much 

I care about you. I realized you were the kind of person who says one thing and then, does the other. You were just a friend but I guess that this is it.

I tried fixing myself so hard. Each and every single time somebody takes 

a piece of me with them, I assured myself that it would be okay. That this 

are the steps for me to find The One person who MIGHT make me happy. 

That was when person C came in. Thank you for ghosting out 

and for promising me that you were just here like any other. 

Thank you for dissappearing after having me opening up my life story. 

You were just there because you wanted, sorry. 

You NEEDED a lawyer’s advice and help. What kind of a friend are you, who would have just abandoned me on moments I needed you the most?

When all of this happened, I almost gave up. I was at wits ends, assuring myself that I should give this one more try. That was when person D snuck around and stayed. We had fun. Amazing dinner dates and long drives. 

I would never forget the drive from Brickfields to Assunta Hospital and coming back again, just because I was in the mood to see a lake at night. 

Like I’ve said above, when life sees me a little happy. That’s when it gives me a little taste of my own medicine. I found out that Little Mr. Mechanic here is very much engaged to another soul and belongs to another. 

Of course, I had to break both our hearts knowing this is probably 

the last mess I should put myself in. Because it is never worth the fight. 

Never did and never will. 

I finally gave in and told myself that I will close my heart. 

That this shall be the end of all of my heart broken episodes. 

That was when, you stepped in. You who was my first. 

My all time favourite. The one person who set the bar so high where 

I figure nobody could have ever reached you. The period of waiting for you to be back from ship and boarding again, everything happened in a blink 

of an eye but words after words, time after time that you have hurt me, 

would they all be worth it? I doubt.

You were amazing. You had always been. I was hurt, torn, broken. 

But you waited. You waited for me to heal. And mend me pieces by pieces. 

At the end of it all, you, person E, left too. I hung on to your words. 

Your words weigh a lot to me. But this is you, telling me that you still hasn’t move beyond the two weeks girl. Making me wonder, you’ve put our 10 months to a halt, don’t you? Everything was a fucking joke to you, ain’t it?

This is me writing in October that I need to focus on myself and to put a stop to all this. I need to rebuild myself and my confidence. But where do 

I begin, when each of them has taken very precious pieces of myself? 

My heart, my smile, my hands, my soul and most importantly, 

my happiness. Dear people/humans of Raveenaa’s world, If you think I’m avoiding you and I’ve been really away, trust me that I am not sorry but 

I have been taking time off learning to be alone and really learning to pick myself up. I’ve been sad, really sad but I don’t wanna be sad anymore.

Dear Sadness, where do I begin?

; Dil Mera Blast, Darshvan Raval 

You save everybody, but who saves YOU?

This post is written at 4 am when my sleep is disrupted and my emotions are running wild and there is nothing in the world that could put me back to sleep. As crazy as it sounds, my travel withdrawls symptoms are so real

 I cannot even pull myself back to a composure. With the case in Ipoh being pending and to plan for Taipei is another to get out of the way. I have so much to sort yet so little time. I cannot believe that my 8 weeks worth of break is coming to an end and I need to go back to reality. 

I've just realised that this is my 200th post on my blogspot and you are going to be amazed that this is the 8th year that I have been writing. It has been 96 months and 2,922 days that this blog has been with me and thus, publishing this post tonight is something very dear to me.

This post is dedicated to 4 different souls who had impacted me in year 2019 though I think you should figure out who these people are. 

To person A, 

This post was written after bidding goodbyes to you, still unsure how did 

I manage to pull that off. That was really crazy. But I guess, turning 25 teaches you a lot of things about life. That letter and the postcard that I've written you were my Guardian Angel to watch over you while I am not there. I guess I never really got the chance to tell you how much you meant to me, but I wish all of the little things will be able to yield you from any harm. For you to always be safe wherever you are. Dear you, you are so much more important than this ego of mine, and that there are way too much unsaid words to you, but I'll leave it at I am sorry BUT I no longer want to be sorry for something I don't regret. You've taught me way too much things for me to retract on now, stranger. Please do know that you mean a lot to me and that perhaps one day when you finally realised that, you will find your way back to me. I believe that if we are meant to be, 

we will be.

To person B,

This is also me convincing myself and none other that I am NOT hurt over the fact that you are running towards another knowing how deeply I've needed your help. This is me telling you two weeks, two days ago that I need you to hold me this time. I have always been the strong one, and this time round, I really needed you to just be there. This time round was the one time I wished you don't disappoint me. When you called, I pleaded to still see you, yet you apologized telling me that you cannot see me and you needed to be elsewhere. I was in tears yet I gulped my saliva and retracted my steps. I quickly said that I am sorry and told you that it is okay. I hung up because my voice was already breaking down in tears and I didn't want you feeling guilty over it. This is me thinking, if I needed someone at a suicide point, would you have disappoint me the same way tonight? 

I would have moved mountains just to be with you, but would you? 

To person C, 

Right from the start you were a thief you stole my heart. And I, your willing victim. This is me, fully convincing myself that you might have forgot about me after that winning of yours. Not checking nor talking to me because you have something else diverting you. I wrote to you while travelling wanting all of my lucks and prayers to be with you throughout your wins and losses. You never did write back, once. I write to you. All of my indirect texts on Twitter, they were all meant for you, but every time I logged on and see those words you put it out there for her, how is it that I am never enough for you? I began questioning myself if this pain was ever worthy? It truly did killed me a little but I guess you were never over her and would never be until you do. If situations were to be reversed, would you still be that cold hearted against me? This is me wondering if your lost soul has stopped loving this broken pieces of mine? With you I am a beautiful mess but lets just stop time for a little while and be honest with me. I need you, now.

To person D,

This is me, persuading myself that the girl you will go getaway with is just a friend. That nothing was about to happen. That you're still here for me although your heart is with her. There were so many words exchanged and gestures given but knowing this insecurities of mine, kept you awake the whole night. I worry way too much about things between us. But you gave me directions and connections. I told you about everyone and everything about my past, and this is me always wanting to impress you. This is me wanting to know more about you while standing at the side lines, because 

I can never please you. You told me that you are just going to break my heart eventually, but this is me asking if I don't take the chances that I am given, then who am I to question it then? When I told you that I needed to go back to where it was, you stopped me and you told me that I didn't need to anymore because now that I have you, you will be able to care for me. But this is me asking you, why do you have to leave in the first place? 

You save everybody Raveenaa, but who saves you?

I sat there...

I sat there, staring, wishing if only
 I could actually see myself from another person’s view.

I sat there, wishing that I release this soul of mine, 
of all the torment that I puts it through.

I sat there, half wishing that if I could turn back time,
 I would pray to meet you from another person’s view.

I sat there and I wished that perhaps these air particles would turn me into her. I wished I was good enough for you.
 I wished I was broken enough for you to tell me that it is okay to be damaged, that perhaps it is alright to be this way.

I sat there across the coffee table, staring at you as I could feel hot tears run down my cheek as I try my hardest to speak yet no words was coming out of my throat. I see you there, clearly indulged in this new life of yours. Perhaps
 one who doesn’t have anybody that burdens you anymore.

I sat there feeling all sorry for I was such a pathetic being. 
I was never there on days you needed me. I had always been such an independent lady. I had never counted on anyone to back me up. I never needed anyone, cause I was so used 
to be left behind that I feel, I no longer need to deal 
with this part of human being. Not until, you came along.

I sat there, wishing you would have known me slightly earlier. A little earlier from all the people I knew. I would have adored the way your hair sways or how you 
brush them backwards during your basketball practices.

I sat there and my thoughts began ponder, running themselves into milky way of thoughts and I began thinking that perhaps, if it wasn’t for the sad poet that I knew of, I wouldn’t have even met you. It amazes me as to how much people think they are a similar person, but deep down, I truly see differences in the both of you. The Poet and well, 
my ma. Yeps, sorry used to be mine.

I sat there so desperately trying to reach out to you, but my thoughts were taken aback. It was as if they were engulfed by this big shadowy Mr. Midnight guy as he swallows me and turns my thoughts into ones that haunts me forever.

I sat there and began questioning myself. I cannot afford to lose you, really I can’t. I’ve grown so used to having you around that the thought of no longer having you around, sinks. I remember always telling you that my answer would always be you. Over and over again, I choose you. 
But when I hear you that day, I knew that I lost this war.

I sat there trying to digest the thought of not speaking to you for the past four days and adrenaline kicked in as I dared myself to picked up the phone to hear your voice. I wasn’t ready for you to bid that final goodbye. But when you acted as if everything was okay and fine, it broke me. It tore me open I swore it felt like a gazillion knives stabbed through me in a deep blue ocean and I was left open to die.

I sat there trying to convince myself that perhaps when you hear what was I going to say you will at least change your mind. But then, you brought her up. You spoke things about her and my mind began its work as to how I shouldn’t be the reason why you both might stop talking to each other again.

I sat there and I could feel how much I was trembling. 
It wasn’t very cold but I felt as if I wanted to vomit my entire lungs out cause I hate this motion sickness in me. 
I did my hardest, I tried my hardest. I gave my all, it was never good enough for her. What killed me even more was that she mocked me behind my back, despite having me do this all for her. What blackmailed me even more is that I looked up to you, my dear. I adored you because I thought you were a pretty Iron Lady who does know her worth and you were going to go far. But little did I know, that it was
 all misused by you, and you had it real good, babe. 
Guess what? You won!

I sat there and felt like I was gasping for air. 
It felt as if I have not been breathing but I wished I could have convinced you to stay. I wished I could show you my part of the world, of how you have painted them as you entered my life. I wished I was better at convincing you to ask you to stay in my life and make you see, for yourself, of how much I’ve achieved with you around. Of how much fun you’ve brought about and how much joy you’ve brought to my family and I. How do I tell you to pick between the both of us? How do I live with the thought that these are the people who have known you longer than me. After all, what have I done so wrong to have achieve such a treatment?

I sat there thinking, why didn’t you said a word about any of these? Why didn’t you stand up for me? Is this how things are going to be from now onwards? That I was supposed to act? That perhaps, down the road, when somebody asked me whether do I know you, and I would answer that “I used to?”. It kills bae, it kills so much for not being able to tell you all of these. But if there is somebody, that makes 
you feel happy, then who am I, to stand in your way?

I sat there and finally realized, that I was really wrong. 
That you are not my first or my last choice, 
cause you were indeed my BEST choice. 

22 : 40 p.m.