I Wrote This Song, Just Looking At YOU.

I could hear my breath quicken as I struggled to try and put words into my mouth as I see you there. 

It has been days that I have been trying so hard to tell you what is going on. I have been trying my level best to let you know what is up. Yet all you seem to do is to shut me down. It got me wondering, 
do you even deserve to know?

Honestly, I wish that there was a part of me that mattered to you. That a part of me that you would care. That I would be of importance to you. Why is it that I've always been running back again to you? 

Is this how it is supposed to feel like? You were amongst who I could turn to, but when you told me about all of it, for once I knew I should be happy for you. Advice, time, importance, I gave it all to you. Where else could I do wrong?

Is this how I am supposed to be feeling? Because if it is, I am sure as Hell I do not like it even for its tiniest bit. And if this is how our stories end, then perhaps, 
I should, learn to let go. But what if I refused to? 

After all, who are you to decide what is right and what is wrong in my life? Who are you to have the call as to who STAYS and who LEAVES my life? 

Why do you always make me listen to you despite the very sole fact that at the very end, you would leave. How do I do this tho? How do I do this, without you? 

Don't.
Please. Do something. Erase this feelings off me. 
I would plead. I beg. I kicked and I cried. I would do whatever it takes just so I could take this off myself.

I could hear my breath quicken as I tried to put words into my mouth as I see you. I wanted to tell you, 
all of it. Every little details of it.

It was then when you asked if you could go first and you told me all about it. All about her. You said, you see your future in her. You see things in her that you don't in me. It honestly made me feel so used. Like you are done playing. So you decided to chuck me aside. You went running to her, once she calls. 
And honestly, it makes me sick to the core.

As much as it hurt even more, how do I tell myself that it isn't my loss to even begin with? To tell myself that I would be okay after making you my all. 
Every little details, tiniest most petite things, it was always you, who would have known of them first. 

It is okay. I'll danced it out. I'll be okay. I'll laughed it out. I'll be okay. Besides you've got her now. You're in good hands tho. She's there for you and vice versa. 

I should be happy. For you, for the very least. 

But this is me, swallowing my pride, knowing it was these insecurities that would be the end of me one day. You were right about one thing though. The worst memory out of this would have been the fact that she has won. That she won this war to replace me out in your life. For real, if this makes you happy, then I am leaving. I am walking for real.

And besides, it is your happiness that matters.

P.S. After all of these, 
how could I still tell you how I feel about you? 

Have a blessed Easter Celebration Year 2017, loves!

Worthless.

Don't mind me but this post was written four months ago. To be exact, a week before ammama passed away and left forever but to only be published today. These feelings within would never fade I need help. 

I need help, to erase these feelings within away,

 for good. 

 

Disclaimer note from the author, this post was written for a stranger, who became a friend, and then a close family friend and later became a far distance relative 

of mine. I am ashamed, I am tired. I am exhausted. 

I don't want this one anymore. I want to run. I want to escape from you so badly. This one is written just for you and I am wrote this captioning this whole post, 'Worthless'. 

"Forget the past, your future is bright Raveenaa".

Things you used to say to me.

All I seemed to have been thinking, is that, just maybe, I have brought so much trouble to you. I am sorry. 

It takes a lot to make me feel worthless. It takes a whole lot lesser to make me feel equally as worthless as well. Especially, when they come from you. 

I had been wanting to keep it away from you, because I've been thinking what other differences would it make, right? I mean, you knowing or not, wouldn't matter and it won't make any difference, simply because, I was a nobody to you, anyways. 

But that morning, when I woke up, you were there to talk to me, I doubted myself because I didn't wanna tell you, yet you were being so honest and suddenly, I felt, that YOU, of all people needed to know. Of all people I could share this with, YOU needed to know, that I was travelling, that I was going, towards you. 

But you made it as if it's not of a big deal because partially it was my fault as well when I told you that the trip there, was purely on work and business basis. And it was going to be a short one. 

I packed my luggage that morning, half bringing extra clothes wishing we could at least meet, for lunch 

at the very least, because technically, it had been

 three months long since we last saw each other. 

But, when I was there. You did no signs of welcoming me, nor asked how was the journey. It made me feel a little uncomfortable at first. But I convinced myself that it was alright, perhaps, I was overthinking this. 

I slept in that night, wishing it would all be okay, because I was so drained and exhausted from the drive up North, but when I woke up the next day, mom convinced me to spend the day perhaps squeezing in a moment with you. Yet, she told me that she was going to be occupied with work, so that was when I thought, I should put you in. It took 
a whole lot of guts in me to text you tho. 

It made me feel so guilty when you told me you've got plans and I honestly have no idea how were we even going to meet considering you seemed pretty busy, I would say. Yet, you, you made me feel, worthless. Honestly you did. 

It wasn't as if I was always forcing and begging you so that you could fit in to my time. For once, I let my guard down, I let my ego down and I came clean to be honest yet, all you seem to do is let me down. 

Perhaps my caring game went too strong. Perhaps it was my mistake for being too nice and open minded. When all my friends told and keep reminding me to draw a line, why is it that I never wanted to listen?

I tried so so hard, to at least seek for you, even when I know that should not. Yet all you do is shut and turn me down. It makes me sad, honestly, it does. 
You make me worried as heck, yet how do I keep moving when it is you, that we're talking about. 

You asked when would I be heading back, and I felt so devastated by it. Hurt and torn. I honestly couldn't bring myself to answer you, because I do not know how to reply to that statement. Yet, I felt I didn't wanna bother you much. I just wanted to let this go. 

With such a busy schedule of yours, I couldn't believe my eyes when you went to the extend to ask such statements asking me why would I not 
be visiting another. Well, of course I would meet everyone when I could, right. Clearly, it shows 
how little you even knew you, you know?

Deep down, I didn't wanna bother you, really, I don't. I honestly feel that I would just be a burden to you. And I would really bring troubles to you. When we be friends, I never really thought this insecurities of mine would hit this way, so I knew I had to convince you, that everything is alright. That I would be okay. 
That all is well over here. That I would look after myself and have fun. I promised to get back to you, which I didn't. I promised that we would figure this out together. But how do I be chill when all I seem to feel and think is that, I am such a burdensome and problematic person to you, to even be around with. 
I really don't wanna be troublesome to, you. 

With so much of assurance from me, you just said okay, and let me go. Just like that. Perhaps, you should leave. I am sorry. All I seemed to have been thinking, is that, just maybe, I have brought 
so much trouble to you. I am sorry. 

Topic : Worthless. 

Dear You ;

Dear Chiow Mei Yee, this is specially written because 

I honestly told you that I needed to. And because 

I promised you that I would. But before anything, 

I better start off with today as a whole first.

I went to bed at three in the morning with my screwed up sleeping patters and I was awaken at seven am thanks to my crazy family members who decided to make me wear this self - made anklet. 

But that didn't matter. I sat and had one of the greatest heart to heart talk with my favourite best guy friend and I ended up tearing that I begged him to switch the topic. But that didn't matter, because it reminded me so much of memories of the girls gang from so long ago. It reminded me so much of the mess that all of us went through and I ended up breaking my promise again to stop cursing. Such oath is just too hard to live by, I honestly need to go temple tonight to seek for forgiveness. My best guy friend needs to slay like this Harshvardhan Rane actor, with his future daughter one day. So cute right? I cannot. 

I actually told him that I found my family picture and I do not need a man to look after me. And before I knew it the clock struck eleven and we had to bid goodbye. I rushed to shower because I needed to be in Maluri at 1 p.m. for lunch with the best friend, Mei Yee. It had been two months long since I last saw her after the Azure Trails Chinese Orchestra Show that we both attended in University of Malaya. It was so good to meet for a short catch up after two months long.

My initial plan was to actually take the bus and go meet her up and have lunch and be back and continue sleeping at least, but all plan changed when I knew I was running late. I grabbed the car keys and hopped onto the car and as I was about to drive out, my college texts started coming in. It actually even took me some time to got it over with until at one point, I had to tell myself to cut it out and that girl, would be waiting for me already.

Mei Yee being Mei Yee, is one who is punctual as always. There isn't a minute late when it comes to her. I picked her up from the train station and we drove off to have lunch. Another pain moment came when we had to find a parking spot in Miharja. It wasn't even our luck to almost be turning the entire area for almost three rounds that we decided to wait. We sat quickly for lunch and I told her that 

I needed to go Pavillion to actually visit a craft shop and she agreed to follow. Yay. So we sat quickly for lunch and it was later filled with so many people. 

I realized how much the shop had changed over time, HONESTLY. 

 

 

Our lunch today. Here you go. 

She had my favourite Green Curry Rice with original latte and I had black pepper noodles and hazelnut milk tea. We were supposed to order a slice of a green tea cake but I knew we were too full to have it already, so we just skipped the idea of it. Honestly, the best thing about this Tian Yian Cafe that over the years, it was really one true vegetarian cafe that I enjoy and guess what? The next time any of you wants to go for a meal, I would really suggest this place. I'll post the details at the end of this okay? So we sat for lunch and I drove her all the way to meet my mother and we walked quickly while talking under the scorching hot sun towards Pavillion. As usual, we made pit stops and I bought new shirts of Uniqlo to be made as birthday gifts. Anyways that doesn't matter now. I'll talk about that when the time is right okay. 

So we went to Farenheit to only discover the craft shop, Branelli that I wanted to visit had already closed down. I remembered that there was another branch in Pavillion so we walked over and realized that too had closed down. Thankfully, we managed to find another store quickly and I really just wanted to get things done and settled with. So we just placed my items there. Once done, as we stood near the escalator, our old Biology teacher, Mr. Donald saw us and we exchanged our hellos. Such a small world honestly. So much of fate. We've been making so much noise to meet up and all, and here we are, meeting him. Been a year since I last saw him that once I see him, I didn't know what to even say. 

Screw me.

I was already so exhausted cause my sleepiness was already kicking in so I begged her so that we could go get milk tea and we sat in Chatime for a while before I made the call so we could go home. As usual, 

I tortured her even more to take pictures of me. 

I dropped her home and came back exchanging hugs and I'll catch you soon okay? Once PM training is done babe. I adore you and I couldn't thank you enough for this. I came back, showered and placed mask on. 

I crawled onto my bed because I wanted to sleep, 

but then remembered I've got birthday present to be unwrapped. This is one from Mei Yee and her sisters, Shelby and Piper, I would post the wishes for you girls on your Facebook wall tomorrow cause honestly 

right now, all my mind wants to is just sleep. 

I should tell the world, that all three of my buddies and I passed with flying colours in the previous examinations. So here is me, looking forward to THIRD YEAR! BRING IT ON!

Cafe Restaurant :

Tian Yian Cafe & Restaurant @ Taman Miharja

Vegetarian Cafe

Ratings : 4.4 / 5

Address : 5, Jalan 3/93, Taman Miharja, 55200,

 Kuala Lumpur, Wilayah Persekutuan, Malaysia.

Hours : 11 a.m. to 9 p.m.

On a second thought, if you are planning to drop by, 

do give me a call. We can go together? :D Bye!