I sat there...

I sat there, staring, wishing if only
 I could actually see myself from another person’s view.

I sat there, wishing that I release this soul of mine, 
of all the torment that I puts it through.

I sat there, half wishing that if I could turn back time,
 I would pray to meet you from another person’s view.

I sat there and I wished that perhaps these air particles would turn me into her. I wished I was good enough for you.
 I wished I was broken enough for you to tell me that it is okay to be damaged, that perhaps it is alright to be this way.

I sat there across the coffee table, staring at you as I could feel hot tears run down my cheek as I try my hardest to speak yet no words was coming out of my throat. I see you there, clearly indulged in this new life of yours. Perhaps
 one who doesn’t have anybody that burdens you anymore.

I sat there feeling all sorry for I was such a pathetic being. 
I was never there on days you needed me. I had always been such an independent lady. I had never counted on anyone to back me up. I never needed anyone, cause I was so used 
to be left behind that I feel, I no longer need to deal 
with this part of human being. Not until, you came along.

I sat there, wishing you would have known me slightly earlier. A little earlier from all the people I knew. I would have adored the way your hair sways or how you 
brush them backwards during your basketball practices.

I sat there and my thoughts began ponder, running themselves into milky way of thoughts and I began thinking that perhaps, if it wasn’t for the sad poet that I knew of, I wouldn’t have even met you. It amazes me as to how much people think they are a similar person, but deep down, I truly see differences in the both of you. The Poet and well, 
my ma. Yeps, sorry used to be mine.

I sat there so desperately trying to reach out to you, but my thoughts were taken aback. It was as if they were engulfed by this big shadowy Mr. Midnight guy as he swallows me and turns my thoughts into ones that haunts me forever.

I sat there and began questioning myself. I cannot afford to lose you, really I can’t. I’ve grown so used to having you around that the thought of no longer having you around, sinks. I remember always telling you that my answer would always be you. Over and over again, I choose you. 
But when I hear you that day, I knew that I lost this war.

I sat there trying to digest the thought of not speaking to you for the past four days and adrenaline kicked in as I dared myself to picked up the phone to hear your voice. I wasn’t ready for you to bid that final goodbye. But when you acted as if everything was okay and fine, it broke me. It tore me open I swore it felt like a gazillion knives stabbed through me in a deep blue ocean and I was left open to die.

I sat there trying to convince myself that perhaps when you hear what was I going to say you will at least change your mind. But then, you brought her up. You spoke things about her and my mind began its work as to how I shouldn’t be the reason why you both might stop talking to each other again.

I sat there and I could feel how much I was trembling. 
It wasn’t very cold but I felt as if I wanted to vomit my entire lungs out cause I hate this motion sickness in me. 
I did my hardest, I tried my hardest. I gave my all, it was never good enough for her. What killed me even more was that she mocked me behind my back, despite having me do this all for her. What blackmailed me even more is that I looked up to you, my dear. I adored you because I thought you were a pretty Iron Lady who does know her worth and you were going to go far. But little did I know, that it was
 all misused by you, and you had it real good, babe. 
Guess what? You won!

I sat there and felt like I was gasping for air. 
It felt as if I have not been breathing but I wished I could have convinced you to stay. I wished I could show you my part of the world, of how you have painted them as you entered my life. I wished I was better at convincing you to ask you to stay in my life and make you see, for yourself, of how much I’ve achieved with you around. Of how much fun you’ve brought about and how much joy you’ve brought to my family and I. How do I tell you to pick between the both of us? How do I live with the thought that these are the people who have known you longer than me. After all, what have I done so wrong to have achieve such a treatment?

I sat there thinking, why didn’t you said a word about any of these? Why didn’t you stand up for me? Is this how things are going to be from now onwards? That I was supposed to act? That perhaps, down the road, when somebody asked me whether do I know you, and I would answer that “I used to?”. It kills bae, it kills so much for not being able to tell you all of these. But if there is somebody, that makes 
you feel happy, then who am I, to stand in your way?

I sat there and finally realized, that I was really wrong. 
That you are not my first or my last choice, 
cause you were indeed my BEST choice. 

22 : 40 p.m. 

Storms.

I could have humbly sworn that ;
 I hate myself so much right now. 
Really. 

Truth to be told, I have several posts saved on draft where I just want to erase everything just cause I hate everything that I have written. Every single piece of work is only half written and I feel so fed up seeing them and these days, I chose to even walk away first instead of sitting down and finishing a piece of post. Trust me when I tell you, I have a lot saved on draft.

I feel sad looking at the words that I type, because really, I want to be able to say things without sounding so sad. So pathetic of myself. I want to write about different things, about happy and fun activities that 
I do. About people who I meet. And then, there's life.

But all that has been said and done. I am back to law school. Yay! Yeps. School just started this week. It's only the first week of classes, mind you, and all that I am thinking is just to run back off to Cheras like I don't belong here. Next long semester break is only in June and I need it to come by super quickly because we all need to go for vacations. It has been six semesters and two more to go before graduation and trust me, you have no idea how much I want law school to end.

And then, I laugh at my own words. Because what happens after graduation? Work. These days you would laugh if I start opening my mouth to tell you that I've fell in love with law these days. And I think the more I read the law, I am actually convincing myself that I might be a good lawyer some day. I've always thought that doing this was to finish mama's law degree. But the more I do it, the more I fell in love.

And then I sit quietly and question myself, so what happens to your journalism plan then? Or the fact that you've always wanted to open a banana leaf restaurant shop bawah pokok, cooking for people, what happens then? And I would convince myself, that it is okay, to give up these dreams of mine, cause they were never meant to be. Perhaps they wouldn't put food on the table, quoting people who doubted me. 

I really wanted to write a piece of blog roll on my nightmares. It is not like it is anything but it is just that 
I don't understand them. And when I try to put the pieces together, it makes me laugh because suddenly, I realized that I have no one to share them with. Not that you would listen anyways. But that's not the point. I thought I should write them in this piece but I am so scared of people judging my dreams, so that on hold. 

That aside, I was going through all of my old posts and realized that I used to have this thing where I make my followers tell me what they want me to write on. So that is where I learn and I read up and share my thoughts. Lately everything is just on rants. But hey, that's the difference between you and I. Some blogs for work and money, but mine's just for fun. So if you're some kind of judgmental freak, do me and yourself a favour, 
do click on the top right the X button.  

See, like right now I am so tempted to say goodbye and shut this laptop but I have made a promise to you that I would write two pieces every month, so I would need to continue ranting. I am so sorry my dear readers for making you read this headless post. 
I really have no idea where this is heading to. 

Once, you told me that you saw the both of them holding hands in the middle of the street, that was when I knew, our journey would have to come to an end. It is funny because to break and kill another person in this entire process isn't even right. You said you were sorry that I have to go through this. You said that it would all be okay. That time was going to heal. But the more I live daily, the more I feel I was about to lose my mind. That I dislike every piece and part of it. That one day, I might actually look back and regret this, but that is honestly enough for now, I guess.

When you brought me to see a therapy session that she undergoes, I think that was when you truly damaged me in all of the beautiful ways you could think possible. You told me that she needed you more than me. That I was strong enough to do this by myself. After all of this blood shed, sweats and tears, you told me that she would not be able to accept the fact if you would be gone forever. And that was when you spoke those words you've always been meaning to tell me, that you were going back to her. That you will be there for her for as long as she needs you. 

And for once, my dear, I understood the 
reason why storms were named after people. 

There were so many words I couldn't utter to you, because me being me, I have always thought that you should have knew. That you would have it all figured out. But little did I know, I never thought that this day would come so quickly. I had always wished that you could figure me out, even by my silenced words, yet you chose, to walk away, when I needed you the most.

Yes, the fault was mine. I felt like the constant need to talk to you, and I could have solemnly swear, it is one of the few reasons why I hate myself. Because it makes me feel so sad, depressed, tired and so, lonely. 

But all and all, I would be okay. 
The saddest part of it all was before they ripped your heart out, I watched them play all of your nightmares and midnight thoughts. It has "HER" written all over. 
If your quiet eyes wouldn't have lied so much perhaps, it wouldn't do so much of damage to me. The only real question was, I am sorry that you felt the need 
to damage me in order to feel complete. 

Dear Heart, I am sorry for everything I abused you through. I am sorry for the days I don't listen to you. Despite whatever that has happened, you're strong enough to get through this, Raveenaa. That, I know.

"I believe that one should be punished for yearning. There is a poverty for giving too much of your heart. When the desire was not returned or when it is abused, in an unequal measure, then nothing in the world could compensate to this shortfall. After all, 
it is the loneliest people who loves the best".

P.S : This is fictional, and it was written a 
month ago during Chinese New Year.

P.P.S : Happy Valentine's Day 2017.

Today is supposed to be a day filled with love. 
So this one paragraph is written for my dearest future soulmate. To my future, I know, I am not anywhere near you, and trust me when I say, I have lost my way to you. But, do keep me in your prayers, that someday, I would find my way back to you. Slowly but eventually. And when I do, trust me that I would not let you go. 
I might be one of the biggest disappointment you'll ever meet, but we will work it out okay? Trust me when I say that I cannot wait to meet you and do crazy 
things to have you in life, cause it would work out. 
Prayers move mountains, so keep me in yours. 

Crooked.

This is written on behalf of a friend who has been with me through thick or thin after all these years. Solid six years. Who always tells me that I could be anything that I have always wanted, as long as I believed in myself. That it is okay to lose hope in anybody, except in myself. You had the most trust in ME over anyone else. For never giving up in myself, for teaching me the definition of life. I miss you, to be honest. And writing this, I know you are going to read this, so this is dedicated to you. I wrote this on behalf of you, quoting you here and there. Do know, this one's for you.

Tonight. I told myself that I would sit and write something up not bothering at the fact that my work is still left untouched. Not caring at the very sole fact that my books are still in my bags. Not worrying about 
the upcoming tests, planned out dinners, 
chores, commitments, one after the other.

I've decided to sit and to blog and to rant about something I've been keeping inside me for so long and I guess, if it wasn't for now, then when? 

I don't know anyway to put these in nicer words, thus, 
I really pray every morning and night before I go to sleep, that nothing would come up anymore like after this for myself, simply because for the past years in law school, I haven't been sitting and revising, not attending classes, skipping tutorials like there is no tomorrow and all sorts of crap. And it makes me feel, one thing, if I am sure as hell doing all this only in the fifth semester, what happens to the upcoming three semesters? Would I continue? What would happen?

Friends. Yes, friends. 
I have been so exhausted lately. For putting up with people's attitude and tantrums. It had just been really hard on me. It makes it even harder when I have no one to bring these matters up to because when you say something, it would definitely end up going to the person. It makes it harder because these days, I don't know who is worth the fight and who isn't anymore.

How do you put it in a nicer way that I seriously am sick and tired? Sleep doesn't even help anymore. 
I believe if I were to sleep for 75 days straight, I would still wake up feeling exhausted. And it sucks, because
 I really wanna be happy. 

I cannot help but to seem to others to be pushing the people away who meant the most to me away. The reason is simple. I seriously cannot afford to hurt you. I personally mean these words. It sucks you know when I have to always be the one taking the bullets for the entire thing doesn't matter whether it is a small issue or a big one. It sucks because everything seemed to be stuck, just because I decided not to pursue on things.

Sometimes, I just want to be the one pampered. The one, someone looked at and asked, how is your day? Or how are you holding up? Or to even say the slightest thing of all, to tell me, Raveenaa, hang in there. The darkest days are coming to an end. 
Just hang in there.

I wished you knew how much it hurts when I see other people taking an advantage out of you. I knew I should have cared less when at the end of the day, it is your call always. It sucks because sometimes, doing the best things for you can seemed to be so wrong in your eyes. I really wished that you knew what is right 
AND WHAT IS WRONG.

Therefore, I have decided to let it all go. I need to stop thinking about the entire clan and to even think about it for a while. Thus, I beg of you, to just leave me
 alone for now and to not even bother.

Next, commitments. Do me a favour. Just don't come up with anything right now. I seriously don't know how to tell people off in nice ways. So, if you are really putting up things that I don't approve of, please don't blame me at the end of the day. Because seriously, to me, you never take anything in your life seriously. It is time for you to learn. I seriously should learn to say no and I seriously just want to come back home everyday and every second of my life. Sighs. 

People? Yes, people. These days, I have been noticing that people are indeed staying away. Well, 
I guess, it is for the good. Some comes back to tell me how much they have missed me and some have not been coming back. And of all people, it is you, I missed the most. I am seriously clueless as to how should I put this but it makes me numb to even think about you.

A month has almost passed, yet, your exact words still rings in my ears. I can still hear your exact words, your exact curse and once again, I go back to my first and foremost point, it sucks. Because in this place, people would either want to bring you down or tear you apart. So, honestly, it hurts this bad. I have been losing people. So, I often question myself. Is it for the good 
OR IS IT FOR THE BAD?

To the one who decided to leave our friendship hanging after everything I have done for you. To the one who have decided to leave because you found someone with a better face and body. To the one who have been so busy chasing money that you decided that I wasn't worth it any longer. To the person who thinks that the friendship was more than everything ever was. To the one who is so busy working that has decided that the term "we" were no longer in a picture together. To the one who have never been The One, EVER, IN MY LIFE. 

I can't help but to tell you how much it wounds my heart and my soul to be losing each and everyone of you in such a short time and the best thing is at one go, one after the other. It is indeed infecting me. Let it be how much it sucks that I forgot your mum's birthday or of the second one, that I forgot to wish you luck for your exams, or let it be even your favourite cup of coffee or even your favourite colour. Your favourite singer or let it be your favourite kind of hugs. I have put a stop to all of it now. Wishing that I would finally, in the end, forget everything that has made me unhappy. 

And finally, before the end of this post.

To the one, who had never been The One, ever.

 Do you know of how exhausting it gets? 

At the very fact that I am still holding on
 to something so illustrative. 

Because the stress gets to me. People often say that to only fully understand somebody better, you are required to be in that person's shoes. Because you could then understand how one feels about things.

I have always wished that you could put yourself in 
my shoes. Money, advice, time, I gave it all to you.

Yet, after all that, we've been through, you decided to just walk off from me. From us. How could you finally made up your mind to gave up on us? To put us past behind you? How could you choose to put everything past me, past us and made it as if everything 
didn't matter to you at all. Even for one tiny bit.

Truth to be told, there was a part of me that wished. That honestly wished that you would change. That 
I could be the one that changed you. That we would defy gravity and we could turn back time
and relive all of our memories together.

But I guess, I am just the stupid one after all.

  I have to just keep on praying for strength to go   
  through days ahead that was already indeed 
 planned out for me. Four to five a.m. thoughts. 

Question : You saved everyone else's. 
So who saves you?
Answer : If you know what is going on in my head, 
trust me, you would kill yourself.