Storms.

I could have humbly sworn that ;
 I hate myself so much right now. 
Really. 

Truth to be told, I have several posts saved on draft where I just want to erase everything just cause I hate everything that I have written. Every single piece of work is only half written and I feel so fed up seeing them and these days, I chose to even walk away first instead of sitting down and finishing a piece of post. Trust me when I tell you, I have a lot saved on draft.

I feel sad looking at the words that I type, because really, I want to be able to say things without sounding so sad. So pathetic of myself. I want to write about different things, about happy and fun activities that 
I do. About people who I meet. And then, there's life.

But all that has been said and done. I am back to law school. Yay! Yeps. School just started this week. It's only the first week of classes, mind you, and all that I am thinking is just to run back off to Cheras like I don't belong here. Next long semester break is only in June and I need it to come by super quickly because we all need to go for vacations. It has been six semesters and two more to go before graduation and trust me, you have no idea how much I want law school to end.

And then, I laugh at my own words. Because what happens after graduation? Work. These days you would laugh if I start opening my mouth to tell you that I've fell in love with law these days. And I think the more I read the law, I am actually convincing myself that I might be a good lawyer some day. I've always thought that doing this was to finish mama's law degree. But the more I do it, the more I fell in love.

And then I sit quietly and question myself, so what happens to your journalism plan then? Or the fact that you've always wanted to open a banana leaf restaurant shop bawah pokok, cooking for people, what happens then? And I would convince myself, that it is okay, to give up these dreams of mine, cause they were never meant to be. Perhaps they wouldn't put food on the table, quoting people who doubted me. 

I really wanted to write a piece of blog roll on my nightmares. It is not like it is anything but it is just that 
I don't understand them. And when I try to put the pieces together, it makes me laugh because suddenly, I realized that I have no one to share them with. Not that you would listen anyways. But that's not the point. I thought I should write them in this piece but I am so scared of people judging my dreams, so that on hold. 

That aside, I was going through all of my old posts and realized that I used to have this thing where I make my followers tell me what they want me to write on. So that is where I learn and I read up and share my thoughts. Lately everything is just on rants. But hey, that's the difference between you and I. Some blogs for work and money, but mine's just for fun. So if you're some kind of judgmental freak, do me and yourself a favour, 
do click on the top right the X button.  

See, like right now I am so tempted to say goodbye and shut this laptop but I have made a promise to you that I would write two pieces every month, so I would need to continue ranting. I am so sorry my dear readers for making you read this headless post. 
I really have no idea where this is heading to. 

Once, you told me that you saw the both of them holding hands in the middle of the street, that was when I knew, our journey would have to come to an end. It is funny because to break and kill another person in this entire process isn't even right. You said you were sorry that I have to go through this. You said that it would all be okay. That time was going to heal. But the more I live daily, the more I feel I was about to lose my mind. That I dislike every piece and part of it. That one day, I might actually look back and regret this, but that is honestly enough for now, I guess.

When you brought me to see a therapy session that she undergoes, I think that was when you truly damaged me in all of the beautiful ways you could think possible. You told me that she needed you more than me. That I was strong enough to do this by myself. After all of this blood shed, sweats and tears, you told me that she would not be able to accept the fact if you would be gone forever. And that was when you spoke those words you've always been meaning to tell me, that you were going back to her. That you will be there for her for as long as she needs you. 

And for once, my dear, I understood the 
reason why storms were named after people. 

There were so many words I couldn't utter to you, because me being me, I have always thought that you should have knew. That you would have it all figured out. But little did I know, I never thought that this day would come so quickly. I had always wished that you could figure me out, even by my silenced words, yet you chose, to walk away, when I needed you the most.

Yes, the fault was mine. I felt like the constant need to talk to you, and I could have solemnly swear, it is one of the few reasons why I hate myself. Because it makes me feel so sad, depressed, tired and so, lonely. 

But all and all, I would be okay. 
The saddest part of it all was before they ripped your heart out, I watched them play all of your nightmares and midnight thoughts. It has "HER" written all over. 
If your quiet eyes wouldn't have lied so much perhaps, it wouldn't do so much of damage to me. The only real question was, I am sorry that you felt the need 
to damage me in order to feel complete. 

Dear Heart, I am sorry for everything I abused you through. I am sorry for the days I don't listen to you. Despite whatever that has happened, you're strong enough to get through this, Raveenaa. That, I know.

"I believe that one should be punished for yearning. There is a poverty for giving too much of your heart. When the desire was not returned or when it is abused, in an unequal measure, then nothing in the world could compensate to this shortfall. After all, 
it is the loneliest people who loves the best".

P.S : This is fictional, and it was written a 
month ago during Chinese New Year.

P.P.S : Happy Valentine's Day 2017.

Today is supposed to be a day filled with love. 
So this one paragraph is written for my dearest future soulmate. To my future, I know, I am not anywhere near you, and trust me when I say, I have lost my way to you. But, do keep me in your prayers, that someday, I would find my way back to you. Slowly but eventually. And when I do, trust me that I would not let you go. 
I might be one of the biggest disappointment you'll ever meet, but we will work it out okay? Trust me when I say that I cannot wait to meet you and do crazy 
things to have you in life, cause it would work out. 
Prayers move mountains, so keep me in yours.