Storms.

I could have humbly sworn that ;
 I hate myself so much right now. 
Really. 

Truth to be told, I have several posts saved on draft where I just want to erase everything just cause I hate everything that I have written. Every single piece of work is only half written and I feel so fed up seeing them and these days, I chose to even walk away first instead of sitting down and finishing a piece of post. Trust me when I tell you, I have a lot saved on draft.

I feel sad looking at the words that I type, because really, I want to be able to say things without sounding so sad. So pathetic of myself. I want to write about different things, about happy and fun activities that 
I do. About people who I meet. And then, there's life.

But all that has been said and done. I am back to law school. Yay! Yeps. School just started this week. It's only the first week of classes, mind you, and all that I am thinking is just to run back off to Cheras like I don't belong here. Next long semester break is only in June and I need it to come by super quickly because we all need to go for vacations. It has been six semesters and two more to go before graduation and trust me, you have no idea how much I want law school to end.

And then, I laugh at my own words. Because what happens after graduation? Work. These days you would laugh if I start opening my mouth to tell you that I've fell in love with law these days. And I think the more I read the law, I am actually convincing myself that I might be a good lawyer some day. I've always thought that doing this was to finish mama's law degree. But the more I do it, the more I fell in love.

And then I sit quietly and question myself, so what happens to your journalism plan then? Or the fact that you've always wanted to open a banana leaf restaurant shop bawah pokok, cooking for people, what happens then? And I would convince myself, that it is okay, to give up these dreams of mine, cause they were never meant to be. Perhaps they wouldn't put food on the table, quoting people who doubted me. 

I really wanted to write a piece of blog roll on my nightmares. It is not like it is anything but it is just that 
I don't understand them. And when I try to put the pieces together, it makes me laugh because suddenly, I realized that I have no one to share them with. Not that you would listen anyways. But that's not the point. I thought I should write them in this piece but I am so scared of people judging my dreams, so that on hold. 

That aside, I was going through all of my old posts and realized that I used to have this thing where I make my followers tell me what they want me to write on. So that is where I learn and I read up and share my thoughts. Lately everything is just on rants. But hey, that's the difference between you and I. Some blogs for work and money, but mine's just for fun. So if you're some kind of judgmental freak, do me and yourself a favour, 
do click on the top right the X button.  

See, like right now I am so tempted to say goodbye and shut this laptop but I have made a promise to you that I would write two pieces every month, so I would need to continue ranting. I am so sorry my dear readers for making you read this headless post. 
I really have no idea where this is heading to. 

Once, you told me that you saw the both of them holding hands in the middle of the street, that was when I knew, our journey would have to come to an end. It is funny because to break and kill another person in this entire process isn't even right. You said you were sorry that I have to go through this. You said that it would all be okay. That time was going to heal. But the more I live daily, the more I feel I was about to lose my mind. That I dislike every piece and part of it. That one day, I might actually look back and regret this, but that is honestly enough for now, I guess.

When you brought me to see a therapy session that she undergoes, I think that was when you truly damaged me in all of the beautiful ways you could think possible. You told me that she needed you more than me. That I was strong enough to do this by myself. After all of this blood shed, sweats and tears, you told me that she would not be able to accept the fact if you would be gone forever. And that was when you spoke those words you've always been meaning to tell me, that you were going back to her. That you will be there for her for as long as she needs you. 

And for once, my dear, I understood the 
reason why storms were named after people. 

There were so many words I couldn't utter to you, because me being me, I have always thought that you should have knew. That you would have it all figured out. But little did I know, I never thought that this day would come so quickly. I had always wished that you could figure me out, even by my silenced words, yet you chose, to walk away, when I needed you the most.

Yes, the fault was mine. I felt like the constant need to talk to you, and I could have solemnly swear, it is one of the few reasons why I hate myself. Because it makes me feel so sad, depressed, tired and so, lonely. 

But all and all, I would be okay. 
The saddest part of it all was before they ripped your heart out, I watched them play all of your nightmares and midnight thoughts. It has "HER" written all over. 
If your quiet eyes wouldn't have lied so much perhaps, it wouldn't do so much of damage to me. The only real question was, I am sorry that you felt the need 
to damage me in order to feel complete. 

Dear Heart, I am sorry for everything I abused you through. I am sorry for the days I don't listen to you. Despite whatever that has happened, you're strong enough to get through this, Raveenaa. That, I know.

"I believe that one should be punished for yearning. There is a poverty for giving too much of your heart. When the desire was not returned or when it is abused, in an unequal measure, then nothing in the world could compensate to this shortfall. After all, 
it is the loneliest people who loves the best".

P.S : This is fictional, and it was written a 
month ago during Chinese New Year.

P.P.S : Happy Valentine's Day 2017.

Today is supposed to be a day filled with love. 
So this one paragraph is written for my dearest future soulmate. To my future, I know, I am not anywhere near you, and trust me when I say, I have lost my way to you. But, do keep me in your prayers, that someday, I would find my way back to you. Slowly but eventually. And when I do, trust me that I would not let you go. 
I might be one of the biggest disappointment you'll ever meet, but we will work it out okay? Trust me when I say that I cannot wait to meet you and do crazy 
things to have you in life, cause it would work out. 
Prayers move mountains, so keep me in yours. 

You're stuck to such an Indifference.

This would be a post of one of my many 

rantings at three am on a weekday. 

No jokes, 

I couldn't sleep so here I am writing something up.

It has been so weird. I used to be able to sit in front of a laptop and type out whatever ; whenever my heart is a mess and I would always be able to pour out everything that would have been bugging me.

Funny, it is the holidays and unlike many others, 

I only had 28 days of rest which I am totally wasting trust me. Nothing has been done so far and I am so sick to even think about things I am supposed to do.

I've been speaking to amma about it. 

That it had been bothering me. That, I should 

pull myself together and restart, but then again, 

I keep telling her that it is swallowing me inside out.

I keep assuring myself that it would be okay. That everything would eventually fall into place. That all 

is well. That I should have faith and move forward. 

As hard as it is to believe this, I feel things I am doing at home is even more difficult for me than to face these people and sort them out in uni itself. Why am 

I even more caught up at home rather than in school?

There is so much that I am supposed to do. There is just so much that I HAVE to do, yet I am stalling, all of it. For more time. For more of what, I don't know. 

People around me think that I should trust you, but is it me or is it my "inner voices" who had been telling me that I should think twice when it comes to you. 

I've opened up too much to you, I've never opened up this much to anyone before. But there's just something about you that secretly tells me ; 

that I need to find out what. 

And you asked me what I think about love. 

Well, like the movie Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani, in their song Kabira, remember the part where Deepika would walk down with her best friend, the bride, down the aisle, towards the bridal beds, that was the EXACT same moments that Ranbir looked up and saw her, and he KNEW, he knew that in that instance, that is in LOVE, that he is in LOVE with her and that he shouldn't let her go :) That, my friend, to me, is love.

You've been rewatching our movies again, perhaps hers, for all I care, well who am I joking, I am right? Well obviously, or else, what am I doing here? Raveenaa enough. Enough is enough. 

I'mma call it a night. That's about it. Sorry, as always. For the late night spams. 

Because to me, he was an entire book, but to him, I was just a chapter in his book.

I never really speak much about my feelings. Not out loud anyways. I never knew how to express them out. But once in a while, I guess I would really appreciate it, if people asks me, how have I been doing. How have I been holding up. 

Or whether what did I had for lunch. Or even the simplest reminder of them all, to have people tell me that,

 they love me, once in a while.

It is a nice feeling isn't it? To know how much you meant to a person. Of how much they actually value you. It's funny how people always say that you should be punished as to how you love people who never loves you, and to make matters worst, you push people who loves you away.

I remind myself once in a while. Of how many hearts I've broken. Of how I hurt people in so many ways I could think of. It is just that kind of sorrow and sadness that I put myself through. I then compare myself to what people, on the other hand do to me. To be honest, it's funny, I could say. It really is. How much you, go to the extent for just a person and how he just distinguishes you like that. Like, you were nothing. 

Like, you couldn't worth any more less that you already are.

"Because you are the entire book that I've been reading again and again. Holding on for so long and yet, I was just another a chapter to you". You were long gone. That, I have to admit. You've moved on so long ago, to other chapters, to other people, to other girls. My mother once told me and I quote that I could anything in the world that I wanted to be, police, pilot, engineers, but there was never once,

 that she reminded me, that I can never be your girl. 

It is amusing. Really. Of how much I've put my heart through and today, I stand before you, to tell you that, I can never feel anymore. You've abused this heart of mine, till I am numb. Numb, I promise. But here's the question I can never get an answer to. What have I done, to obtain this treatment from you? What kind of sin or wrongdoings have I committed to deserve such a wrong person to fall in love for. True enough, there are two kinds of people on Earth. The one that would teach you a lesson and then leaves, or ones who comes and stays permanently. How could I be 

so wrong? How could I be more wrong than this?

You took away, friends, money, relatives, pictures, family, you split everyone apart, you swore upon God, that you would destroy me, but what have I done, 

to always crawl back to you again?

God must have had His plans when He puts me there in her life. I knew, I was about to walk on ashes of fire but I pulled out though everyone knew how tempting it was. 

I walked out, and today, this is what you did to me.

I stand before you, with shame, humiliation, hunger, defeated, tired and exhausted, to tell you this. That you've won. You've won this game that you've created. That you win this war. That I lost. I lost the battle and
most importantly, I lost, YOU.

Advice, time, money, effort, youth, studies, support, encouragement, I gave it all to you. 

What more could you ask for from me to give?

Yes, people who surrounds me tells me to give up. But this isn't me. I wasn't raised to be taught to threw away things that are broken. Instead I have learned to fix things that are broken instead of just throwing it away.

Why can't we ever worked it out? Why can't we ever try to do this? Why do we let it go when it is 'us' who we want the most. How do I be okay when the best part of me,
 WAS ALWAYS YOU?

Think of me then, now and then.

#Let Marvin Gaye get it on :]

#Nowplaying

#CharlieandMeghan

#Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor

Baarish ( Rain ).

Today was quiet.

I fell asleep in the living room after watching 

one after another videos on Youtube. 

And that I was finally awaken after a good 

eight hours of sleep due to a phone call.

I ran upstairs to shower and then ran 
down again after dolling myself up.

To grab the car key and the next thing I knew 
was that I was driving out for lunch alone.

Today was quiet.

I've never felt more lonely driving and looking 

for parking and to stop for lunch alone.

I ate my lunch quietly.

And that I gulped down my orange juice 
quickly as the store was closing as well.

As I packed food for the boys, I drove home in silence. 

Thinking all to myself that if I was your 

girlfriend, I would have never ever let you go.

Thinking all to myself, 
that our love story is a difficult one.

I came home wanting to sit alongside 
my brother for Jurassic World.

But me, being me, decided to sleep. 
To kill these silence away.

I fell into a deep sleep with the television switched on.

I was awaken due to a whatsapp text message.

I had to get dinner.

I woke up with my whole body feeling sore 
only to realize that I did not catch a nap.

I slept. 

Damn good sleep.

We got ready and since elder brother 
was skipping dinner with us.

Younger brother drove me out for dinner 
and we decided to have mamak instead of 
dining the typical chinese cuisine once again.

Since I have so much on my platter, he left for for the night market and left me to finish my food up quietly.

Once done with dinner, I paid the guy and 
walked out quietly out of the restaurant.

I walked over to get myself the chocolate biscuits and 
I grabbed the over priced Walls Oreo Ice - Cream.

I walked to pick up the car and
 I walked quietly along the pathaway.

I waited and waited for 
my younger brother to just appear.

When he was finally here, 
I put my foot down to drive him home.

I came back and immediately ran upstairs 
to speak to the long lost best friend, Mei Yee.

As I was having a great laugh,
 I heard the door unlock and mum got home.

I spent the next minute staying on bed. Laying down. Staring at the walls. Staring at the ceiling.

I realized, that I was being quiet once again.

The phone rang and my older brother who left us 
for dinner over futsal came walking in the door with
 his girlfriend with lots and lots of durians.

So as I was downstairs doing all these, 
I could not bring myself to even speak.

I went upstairs as I remember that 
I left my phone to charge, my phone rang.

Without seeing the caller, 
I picked it up and held it to my ear.

Hello, that was all that I utter. 
Dead silence on the other end.

I said hello once again.
I could hear stuttering noise in the background.

It was then that 
I heard someone inhaled a deep breath. 

And, it was his voice at the other end.

Hey, was all that he said.