Moments.

I've always wanted to write on time. 

Moments. Seeing the hours tick away. 

Seeing how the sand in an hour glass falls gracefully gathering themselves at the bottom of the glass. 

People often say that time heals everything. 

Give it time, you would eventually get over it. Time would pass. That one day in time, all of this would not even matter. That you shouldn't be too hard 

on yourself cause after all life is just temporary. 

Some tells you that the only thing you could never return or obtain back to would definitely be time. 

If that is so, explain the time travelling concept then? Define the theory of parallel universe then? Don't they defy gravity and prove that we are able to live at different times at a point with the same old soul?

You see, the point of this post was not intended to dwell on how time can heal us or how we could travel through time. But how we, mankind appreciates time. I grew up in such school system, it has always been a practice to be 10 to 15 minutes earlier

 for a meeting. Simplest terms where my parents 

are punctual persons when it comes to gathering etc, they are never late simply because their job requires THAT out of them. My family has raised us to figure 

in a way to our potentials and maximum limits.

Paint classes, Taekwondo classes, piano arrangements, tuition, arithmetic class, script writing classes, chinese classes and swimming classes, you name it. They have all signed it up for us and made sure each and every one of us finished what we started. Yet as much as I hated my timetable back then when I was younger, cause I swore it had always been so hectic back when we were younger taking up classes and etc, but my parents had always made it a point to us to never be late for classes. You wouldn't believe it, but in my eleven years of studying, correction, I did Form Six too, so 13 years? I was never late to school. Not even once. P/S : I've never skipped school too, well, unless it's an emergency 

or the fact that my deskmate is skipping class 

for the day. Heh. I miss Ashweenia, I really do.

But that being said, I really have always appreciated time and as much as it would surprise you, I have come to a conclusion that the best gift you are able to give somebody would be time. This reminds me how less of a time I've spent with you. I've lost you and I feel so torn apart ever since. Since July, it isn't even a year yet, but I do see you when I dream, 

and it isn't the kind of good dream. It is always the nightmare. The pain, the suffering that you when you go through whilst you lived. You were never happy. Now that I think about it, you've never had happy days when you were living. There was always poverty to be dealt with. Raising the family. Looking at the bigger picture. Saving everybody else. I miss you, ammama. How long has it been? Seven months 

since you passed and I seem to not got over it yet.

I rarely speak of you, yet, I cannot seem to bring myself to speak of you. Really. Because in my mind till today, you're still around. As much as it scares me, we used to be back so frequently every year. We're always in Taiping, Chinese New Year, June, August and December every single year. And these days, we rarely even go, and if we could run out of it, we would because the memories just haunts us. We cannot seem to move past me. One year once, during Chinese New Year itself seems a bit too much for us. I miss Taiping. I really do. It was always stress when you were around, last time, but now that you're gone, I MISS YOU, grandma. If I could turn back TIME. 

Why is life so unfair? Why do God take you away from me. You were in much pain but when I visited you last, you held my hand and you promised me that you were going to stay, but now where have you gone to? Everyone clearly convince me that it is time to let you go. That medication isn't going to heal you and as day passes, the cancer was just killing you more and more. It was taking the best out of you. The day of your passing, uncle told us that you ate so much of porridge that day. They said, before you let go of your last breath, you asked for the three of us. 

You asked about Sureen ( my elder brother and your favourite grandchild ) and everyone told you how well we're doing, and that everyone's good and fine. 

As much as it is hard it believe this, I cannot believe that I would be returning this weekend for the first year prayers. The Qingming or Ching Ming Festival, also known as Tomb-Sweeping Day in English is a traditional Chinese festival on the first day of the fifth solar month of the traditional Chinese calendar. This is the 15th day after the Spring Equinox, falling on 4th April 2017. This is also known as the Chinese Memorial Day or Ancestors' Day. I need all of the strength I could get for needing to be at the cemetery this weekend. How do I be expected to stand before your tombstone and still be okay? *cries*

Any one of you who would be in Taiping this mid semester break, do let me know. I am driving up North this Friday itself so catch you there? 

Before I end, Happy Mid Semester Break and to the Chinese relatives who would be back to respective hometown, drive and be safe. That's about it!

HAPPY MID SEMESTER BREAK 2017!

Merry not so Christmas 2016!

Before I start writing this, please do note that 

I only promised myself five minutes on this post, 

so if the time is up, so is my writing. 

I am writing this on Christmas morning 

not for any other person, but for my mother. 

Yes, amma. Mom. Mama. 

Mama, I don't even know where to start, ma. 

But if I really needed to write, amma, 

I owe you a thousand of sorry, amma.

A lot of people in life, prayed for my failure, wanted to see me fall, but not you, ma. Not you. Mama, you're such a tough woman, ma. A strong Iron Lady I would say. From 2012 till date, you carry both the shoulder of a father and mother to me. It makes me laugh that we were never close back in my teen days but I am glad, that I have never spoke to you whilst growing up.

Growing up, I have always felt as if I am the most rebellious daughter anyone can ever ask for. But if 

I could change all of my deeds and sins into one wish, mama, I wish to be born as your daughter 

in the next life and the following up till Moksha, 

yeps till I don't need to be born again.

You used to joke that in the next life, you wanted to be my daughter instead so that I would know how headache it was to raise someone like me, but mama, if there is one word I can describe you, it would be power. Mama, serious power. No wonder you're a *inserts mom occupation here*

Mom, you are someone so strong and I have never once see you broke. Yes, except dad's funeral. But remember when dad passed away? You only cried on the day we performed the rituals. You stood strong, mama the whole entire service session mom, when people came to condolence you and the family, 

you stood strong and you greeted each and 

every person and you bid thank you to them all.

I have always questioned how heartless more could you be, but I later found that you cried yourself to sleep every night since you've lost him. You cried yourself cause you never wanted your three children to know them. You were worried that if we knew you started talking in your sleeps, we wouldn't be okay. 

That we would jeopardize our education. 

That was when I knew, I had to do my part.

But here I am to tell you these words mama. I am sorry ma. I am sorry for everything I've outdone you, mama. You were, you are, you would always be my wishes. 
I wish for your everlasting happiness mama. 

I would do well in life mama. I would excel. I would lead life as accordance to your wishes now, ma. 

Every little things, I owe it back to you, ma. 

Today, an incident happened. I was kneeling outside a sundry shop crying my lungs out. I was trembling. 

I was shaken and I could have sworn my heart almost stopped beating. That Indian Uncle who was the owner of the shop had to come out to hold me to ask me what happened. A Malay lady who happened to pass by the area stopped to ask are you okay, nak? She called out.

I was clueless. I couldn't think and all that ran through my head was that I needed to die. I needed to just call out for help. And I could see dad standing in front of me and my phone and purse fell out in front of me and I could hear everything else around me faded. That was when my phone vibrated. Mama, I could have sworn I could not feel my throat at all. And when 

I called out to you to tell you my whereabouts, you drove down to Kelana Impian Apartment to save me.

Ma, I could have sworn, being 22, I have never been so humiliated, defeated, tired, restless. You hugged me and told me everything was going to be okay. I was going out of my mind, but you stood your ground and tell me that it would be alright. For that, I was thankful.

We drove in silence and you held my hand and kept assuring me that everything was going to be okay. When we got back to Cheras, I sat down and 

I couldn't help the tears from falling. I really couldn't help but to cry it out loud. And I sat down and spoke to you all about it. Ma, I've never felt more humiliated and disgusted by myself, ma. I felt so used. I felt as if I've lost, ma. I felt as if someone came and grope happiness out of my hands. Far away from me.

Tell me, where have I gone wrong. Tell me, what did I do wrong to him to deserve all of this. I cried out louder and you just sat your ground as you watch me cry. I begged, I pleaded mom. I don't know what else I would have done wrong. When he said he didn't want me already, I convinced myself and said that this was worth another shot. And I put myself through this pain, torment, anguish AGAIN.

I really wish I could wake up and all of these would have just been a dream, amma. I really do. I wish I could forget him. Perhaps got involve in an accident and forget. I wish I could wake up with an amnesia. 

I don't have the strength anymore. Why do I always crawl back to things that damages me the most? 

The hardest thing was believing I was doing the right thing. That I was able to fix this person mom. I never should have gotten so attached to this person. I never should have let this person in. God, this was probably my biggest mistake that I keep on repeating. And 
I begged you, I thought you were different. I thought 
I KNEW YOU. I thought, you would never betray me. But you showed exactly why you didn't deserve me.

You used me. 

You used me and you're done. 

I had so many reasons to give up, yet I chose to stay. 

I lost this war. 

You won bro, you've won. Congratulations!

Checkmate! 

I watched you in silence ma, as I begged you to say something. You just shook your head and kept on asking me to pour my feelings out. I couldn't ma. How could I just keep hurting you that way? I was so scared that you would be angry, I was so humiliated and ashamed of myself. But all you did was you smile and 

I could see tears, ma.

What sin would I have done for you to cry over me, amma? You don't deserve all of these. 

Really you don't. And all you did said, was, 

"Girl, you ran back to him, even after knowing you were NEVER gonna be his first choice?" 

I nodded, and she smiled and I could see tears as she said, Silly Girl. You could be someone's BEST choice sayang. So why settle? And that was all it took. That was all it took for me to cry and for my mother to cry it out. I've successfully disappointed her. She saw my psycho side for the first time and I don't want that ever again. I'll pull this through. Success is for you, amma. I'll listen to you from now on amma. I'll do whatever it takes for you, mama. I'll do this, just for you. I love you. Forever and more. 

I see my God in you, ma. Tell me what should I do?  

I took longer than five minutes for this post. 

Ugh I hate myself. 

2016 is almost up, whoever that wrote this and 

got me this bouquet of flower where are you? 

Time to come forward and tell me I guess. 

Faith.

Faith. Hope. Love. 

Last Friday, I wanted to catch some nap when 

Aunt Hua stopped me and told me, to get ready cause' she wanted to bring me out for a movie. I ended up driving her that night and we went to the night market in Cheras Leisure Mall for dinner. Since it was a Friday. We went in for the movie, Jurassic World at 19:20 p.m. which took us two hours and ten minutes. Rating this movie : 7.5/10. We came out from movie and dropped by in Sen Q for refrigerator shopping and walked out to grab dinner at ten p.m. This is what I had for dinner, Fried Scallop for herself and Fried Oyster, for myself. Queued so long for this like seriously.

Last Saturday, I had these for dinner with the family. 

Only three of us cause' Sureen went out for futsal.

I know, I am pretty late for this post but stick till the end, I'll explain why I've been procrastinating on this blog post. Anyways, I don't think anyone even knew that, last Sunday, I was even in Sunway Pyramid with a close family friend of mine. Anyways, here is 

a picture of me, pulling off the Sunway Pyramid look.

So, last Sunday, which is like two days ago, I know, I am running super late for this. Anyways, I drove myself to the Bandar Tasik Selatan LRT and I hopped onto the train to switched to the Ampang lane, at Chan Sow Lin. That was when I got a call from my best girl friend, Mei Yee, telling me she has reached with her sister, Shelby already! :] In that instant, I knew I was running late, but I prayed that I wouldn't make the sisters wait so long since I was occupied with my lipstick and eyeliner in the train. Anyway, you lovelies guessed 

it right! I went out with the girls for a mini date. 

Once I reached Pandan Jaya, both the sisters picked me up and we drove off to Sunway Pyramid talking and chatting. I was complaining along the way that I am starving and hungry all the way there. So we were suppose to have Brussel, this Western Food shop but since it had already been shut down, we settled for Pasta Zanmai instead. The food is really good and tasty except the fact that, it was so hot in the restaurant! We were further joined by Shelby's friend 

in that restaurant, Michelle later on for lunch. 

The Chiow sisters! 

There is another one, Piper. Really wanted to meet her but then she had to leave for a raya open house so it is okay. There would always be next time right? Speaking of Pasta Zanmai, I bumped into Carmen Yen from HELP University there as well. So, we had our lunch and talked some more and by the time we finished eating, the clock was showing 14:30 p.m.

So, the first shop that we went was Terranova and I managed to grab a top from there considering it was at such a reasonable price and you wouldn't get this shop elsewhere. We walked on to Zara, Dorothy Perkins, Brands Outlet, Nichii, I literally lost count of how many shops we entered. By 16:30p.m., the four of us, Shelby, Mei Yee, Michelle and I stopped over for desserts in Mc Donalds Mc Cafe and Mei Yee and 

I ran over to grab ourselves ice-blended ice-creams from Wendy's. I didn't enjoyed it as much as Mei Yee,

 I felt that Mc Donalds had better vanilla ice-creams.

When it was five, Michelle had to leave and the three of us marched on to Kitschen and took some more selfies in there. I really liked this mint dress from Nichii except the fact that it was already smeared with dirt. So we opted not to buy it cause me being the 

typical me, always striving for perfectionist. 

     Anyways, here are pictures of us!     

Before we leave Sunway Pyramid, we had to stop at 

a mandatory pit stop, H&M, my favourite outlet for 

a browse. Too bad I didn't get anything from there tho due to the fact that I have ugly shoulders. Okay, 

the fact that the dresses looked ugly on me. So yeah. 

I knew, we had to get this Taste Better durian puffs before we leave because the first time I tried it was years ago and then I ate them again in Melaka and I bought like three boxes and gave one to the sisters. They both dropped me at home and it was already seven at night thanks to the fact that I had to cook dinner. Before I hopped off the car, they gave me my belated 21st birthday gift which brought me to tears.

You loves were wondering why this post was two days late right? Remember at the start of the post I said that I was gonna tell you why I took forever for this? Simply because I have been busy packing up and the fact being I have been so scared unwrapping the gifts. It took me almost 48 hours to opened them and finally last night I found my guts to open them. Here you go :)

Saw this and I knew I just had to share this out.

Maybe I'll be this kind of a wife someday.

This is like my latest current addiction.

Just got invited to a 21st birthday upcoming month! 

It is gonna be a like a mini reunion. I cannot wait!

Can I marry him and drop out of law school already?

Maybe, I should learn and pick this up!

Found? Yes? No?

 Courage.

Want.

Waking up to texts like these.

 My Titas lecture is THE BOMB.

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