Merry not so Christmas 2016!

Before I start writing this, please do note that 

I only promised myself five minutes on this post, 

so if the time is up, so is my writing. 

I am writing this on Christmas morning 

not for any other person, but for my mother. 

Yes, amma. Mom. Mama. 

Mama, I don't even know where to start, ma. 

But if I really needed to write, amma, 

I owe you a thousand of sorry, amma.

A lot of people in life, prayed for my failure, wanted to see me fall, but not you, ma. Not you. Mama, you're such a tough woman, ma. A strong Iron Lady I would say. From 2012 till date, you carry both the shoulder of a father and mother to me. It makes me laugh that we were never close back in my teen days but I am glad, that I have never spoke to you whilst growing up.

Growing up, I have always felt as if I am the most rebellious daughter anyone can ever ask for. But if 

I could change all of my deeds and sins into one wish, mama, I wish to be born as your daughter 

in the next life and the following up till Moksha, 

yeps till I don't need to be born again.

You used to joke that in the next life, you wanted to be my daughter instead so that I would know how headache it was to raise someone like me, but mama, if there is one word I can describe you, it would be power. Mama, serious power. No wonder you're a *inserts mom occupation here*

Mom, you are someone so strong and I have never once see you broke. Yes, except dad's funeral. But remember when dad passed away? You only cried on the day we performed the rituals. You stood strong, mama the whole entire service session mom, when people came to condolence you and the family, 

you stood strong and you greeted each and 

every person and you bid thank you to them all.

I have always questioned how heartless more could you be, but I later found that you cried yourself to sleep every night since you've lost him. You cried yourself cause you never wanted your three children to know them. You were worried that if we knew you started talking in your sleeps, we wouldn't be okay. 

That we would jeopardize our education. 

That was when I knew, I had to do my part.

But here I am to tell you these words mama. I am sorry ma. I am sorry for everything I've outdone you, mama. You were, you are, you would always be my wishes. 
I wish for your everlasting happiness mama. 

I would do well in life mama. I would excel. I would lead life as accordance to your wishes now, ma. 

Every little things, I owe it back to you, ma. 

Today, an incident happened. I was kneeling outside a sundry shop crying my lungs out. I was trembling. 

I was shaken and I could have sworn my heart almost stopped beating. That Indian Uncle who was the owner of the shop had to come out to hold me to ask me what happened. A Malay lady who happened to pass by the area stopped to ask are you okay, nak? She called out.

I was clueless. I couldn't think and all that ran through my head was that I needed to die. I needed to just call out for help. And I could see dad standing in front of me and my phone and purse fell out in front of me and I could hear everything else around me faded. That was when my phone vibrated. Mama, I could have sworn I could not feel my throat at all. And when 

I called out to you to tell you my whereabouts, you drove down to Kelana Impian Apartment to save me.

Ma, I could have sworn, being 22, I have never been so humiliated, defeated, tired, restless. You hugged me and told me everything was going to be okay. I was going out of my mind, but you stood your ground and tell me that it would be alright. For that, I was thankful.

We drove in silence and you held my hand and kept assuring me that everything was going to be okay. When we got back to Cheras, I sat down and 

I couldn't help the tears from falling. I really couldn't help but to cry it out loud. And I sat down and spoke to you all about it. Ma, I've never felt more humiliated and disgusted by myself, ma. I felt so used. I felt as if I've lost, ma. I felt as if someone came and grope happiness out of my hands. Far away from me.

Tell me, where have I gone wrong. Tell me, what did I do wrong to him to deserve all of this. I cried out louder and you just sat your ground as you watch me cry. I begged, I pleaded mom. I don't know what else I would have done wrong. When he said he didn't want me already, I convinced myself and said that this was worth another shot. And I put myself through this pain, torment, anguish AGAIN.

I really wish I could wake up and all of these would have just been a dream, amma. I really do. I wish I could forget him. Perhaps got involve in an accident and forget. I wish I could wake up with an amnesia. 

I don't have the strength anymore. Why do I always crawl back to things that damages me the most? 

The hardest thing was believing I was doing the right thing. That I was able to fix this person mom. I never should have gotten so attached to this person. I never should have let this person in. God, this was probably my biggest mistake that I keep on repeating. And 
I begged you, I thought you were different. I thought 
I KNEW YOU. I thought, you would never betray me. But you showed exactly why you didn't deserve me.

You used me. 

You used me and you're done. 

I had so many reasons to give up, yet I chose to stay. 

I lost this war. 

You won bro, you've won. Congratulations!

Checkmate! 

I watched you in silence ma, as I begged you to say something. You just shook your head and kept on asking me to pour my feelings out. I couldn't ma. How could I just keep hurting you that way? I was so scared that you would be angry, I was so humiliated and ashamed of myself. But all you did was you smile and 

I could see tears, ma.

What sin would I have done for you to cry over me, amma? You don't deserve all of these. 

Really you don't. And all you did said, was, 

"Girl, you ran back to him, even after knowing you were NEVER gonna be his first choice?" 

I nodded, and she smiled and I could see tears as she said, Silly Girl. You could be someone's BEST choice sayang. So why settle? And that was all it took. That was all it took for me to cry and for my mother to cry it out. I've successfully disappointed her. She saw my psycho side for the first time and I don't want that ever again. I'll pull this through. Success is for you, amma. I'll listen to you from now on amma. I'll do whatever it takes for you, mama. I'll do this, just for you. I love you. Forever and more. 

I see my God in you, ma. Tell me what should I do?  

I took longer than five minutes for this post. 

Ugh I hate myself. 

2016 is almost up, whoever that wrote this and 

got me this bouquet of flower where are you? 

Time to come forward and tell me I guess.