An Open Apology Letter.

I have been sitting at the side of my bed convincing myself that 

I need to work on my next chapters for my paper. I tried my level best to restrain myself from texting nor talking to you and it made me realized, how much I’ve took you for granted when we were talking because you never fail to check up on me daily.

I am writing this because I figure you deserve an apology from me. A deepest sincere note of apology, 

but I thought I should write how did it all started affecting me.

When I first met you, little did I know that YOU would mean so much to me. But as time passes, it made me feel that all of the time spent together meant so much to me. You brought out sides of me which I’ve never shown anyone. And that was when I knew, that you would be the apocalypse of me. I don’t usually remember conversations that we spoke but I could clearly hear your voice in my head, 

word after word, the night I said goodbye.

I was wrong. Perhaps I was. Perhaps it was wrong to push you away knowing how much I needed you, in my life. You became a weak point in my life, but everyone knew how strong of a lady I was. I was addicted to you, and I knew it was no good for me. In life, people who love were supposed to bring the best out of you, but what should I do, when my words was cold and flat and it was never good enough for you. I am sorry because there are things I never gave in.

I guess, if I could say a thousand things, I would, but too much of words make it meaningless and I was never a person of words 

but I thought, if I should tell you, I owe you an apology.

I am sorry. I am sorry for always being so insecure. I am sorry for always doubting myself when it comes to you. I am sorry for never being good enough. I am sorry because it was not even my first time pushing you off. There had been so many instances that whenever we fight, I would end up crying and walking off. And you would be stuck figuring out why. I could have swore you deserved none of those. True, you were right. That I was good at one thing, assuming. I tend to overthink and people would leave me eventually. Because that is how life happens. The weather changes, feelings fade and people change. But that night, when you told me that

 I wouldn’t have stayed in the end in your life, I guess it backfired me because all along, I used to tell you that I would be gone. But

 for the first time in forever, you were ready. Ready to let me go.

And I began questioning myself, that this is it. That you are done. That you’re done with my shits and you’re finally walking out the door. You know when you hung up the phone that night, the last few words you said were take care and be happy. I could feel my heart throbbing out of my throat AS THAT WAS IT. Those were the last words I could have never uttered when I am with you. Thank you cause you know you define happiness yet when you told me,

to be happy without you, how shall I do that.

Four months. That was the duration you needed. Four months you took to come into my life, made it all happened and walked off. I am sorry, for being such a mess. I am sorry for always driving you insane. I am sorry, for being me. I am sorry for putting you through things that are so undeserving. I am sorry for driving you insane.

You see, the problem you and I is that we never did understand that life is about making mistakes. And through these mistakes, 

we are suppose to learn and grow from it. 

Why can't she ever learn to move on? Cause of all these feelings she had for you. Cause of all these memories created. She is a mess without you and it is so unbelievable that you are emotionally blind to all these. Cut out my eyes and leave me blind for a temporarily.

 I don't care what people say ; The rush is worth the price I pay :]

 I get so high when you're with me ; 

But crash and crave you when you leave :'] 

I think it's important to have closure in any relationship that ends - from a romantic relationship to a friendship. You should always have a sense of clarity at the end and know why it began and why it ended. You need that in life to move cleanly into your next phase.

Why do people do it? We deny the fact that we did wrong in everything or whatever we do. Why can't we take responsibility and move on? I don't know, you tell me.

 -Jennifer Aniston ♥

I know I might be the biggest selfish girl you ever met but sometimes I just wish you are still the old you when we first met that you always had your time for me. 

 I know I should hate you, I know. I get it but I don't. Why? 

I know I should move on, but I can't. Why?

I know I should face that things are over between us but 

I swear I remember that promise the both of us had that you would never be like them. You promised to have my back to infinity and beyond. So I guess just please, don't break the promise that meant the world to me, because right now, I am feeling completely stuck and abandoned all over again.

You know what sucks? This. This giddy feeling that I am getting that I am missing you all over again. Sincerely I think I am a fooked up. 

I mean I don't get it. How could you do it? Make somebody felt as if they are the one girl best friend you have and all of a sudden, with a snap of your fingers, you just forget them? You give them the silent treatment and you expect you both to be strangers again. And it sucks. Because I think it is not that I did not try. I did. I freaking admit gosh okay. I have an ego problems okay level higher than the KLCC building and to be putting myself down over and over again trying to like figure out what happened to us. 

I don't get it. I don't get you.

 I don't get myself and all and all ;

 I don't get us :X

I think this kills me. Seriously. I don't know to move on. Or to be stuck on stupid. I mean I really do. I want to sit down and be able to fix everything upright again. Everyone else around me tells me to give up. How could you? How could you blurt them words out that

 I might just forget you when I leave you someday? :( I think that line itself kills me seeing how much faith you have in myself thou. This kills. Treasure. It is a shame that I dreamed. I really did. Dad told me, there are two kind of people in the world. One who come into your life, they teach you a lesson and then they leave. And the other kind who comes into your life and they stay through thick or thin. Which group do you belong to? I don't know. Do I know what are you thinking? No. I don't. And is there ever sense of you fixing things up as well? Why la why? Why can't you see what you mean to me? Why do you have to compare yourself to others when can't you see that I am truly happy when I am with you? 

But then again, sighs. 

I miss the old you. I miss the old us.

You are right I guess. You are happy now. And that is what I have always wanted. You being happy. And if you being happy involves me leaving then I would. I really would :( I don't know if things are better off this way? All I felt is just I am a jerk and a fooked up la for bringing all of these to myself. All when I thought you did cared. That I meant something. Maybe it was all just me. I don't know what should I do. Should I head over sit with you and talk things out? Or should I put a full stop to where it is? Sighs all and all. I’ll stay with you through thick and thin, I’ll be there for everything, I’ll listen when you need to talk, I’ll hold you when you need to cry. I would never find someone like you, ever. But I'll just never be okay. Thanks for everything. Thanks for the memories :(

I might forget things you said ;

 but I'll never forget how or rather what you make me feel. 

I feel like I should never give up on us though. On this friendship. We'll make this work. I don't know how but we would. I admit it, I break.I broke down like nobody's business. Maybe time for me to learn though :( I sincerely don't know what to do or what to say or what to react anymore. Dear everyone who is reading this, give me the strength to carry on and to fix things upright. Give me the courage and the guts to do so. Dear Lord, the only thing I ask, is to hold us all when we're all trying to fight for this. Lead us all to a better path. Show us which is the best way though. I get it, if he is happier this way, I would leave. I would leave the second he want me to, but please do know, that I have got to say that I am deeply, tremendously sorry for being me, myself and I.

I am sorry.