Worthless.

Don't mind me but this post was written four months ago. To be exact, a week before ammama passed away and left forever but to only be published today. These feelings within would never fade I need help. 

I need help, to erase these feelings within away,

 for good. 

 

Disclaimer note from the author, this post was written for a stranger, who became a friend, and then a close family friend and later became a far distance relative 

of mine. I am ashamed, I am tired. I am exhausted. 

I don't want this one anymore. I want to run. I want to escape from you so badly. This one is written just for you and I am wrote this captioning this whole post, 'Worthless'. 

"Forget the past, your future is bright Raveenaa".

Things you used to say to me.

All I seemed to have been thinking, is that, just maybe, I have brought so much trouble to you. I am sorry. 

It takes a lot to make me feel worthless. It takes a whole lot lesser to make me feel equally as worthless as well. Especially, when they come from you. 

I had been wanting to keep it away from you, because I've been thinking what other differences would it make, right? I mean, you knowing or not, wouldn't matter and it won't make any difference, simply because, I was a nobody to you, anyways. 

But that morning, when I woke up, you were there to talk to me, I doubted myself because I didn't wanna tell you, yet you were being so honest and suddenly, I felt, that YOU, of all people needed to know. Of all people I could share this with, YOU needed to know, that I was travelling, that I was going, towards you. 

But you made it as if it's not of a big deal because partially it was my fault as well when I told you that the trip there, was purely on work and business basis. And it was going to be a short one. 

I packed my luggage that morning, half bringing extra clothes wishing we could at least meet, for lunch 

at the very least, because technically, it had been

 three months long since we last saw each other. 

But, when I was there. You did no signs of welcoming me, nor asked how was the journey. It made me feel a little uncomfortable at first. But I convinced myself that it was alright, perhaps, I was overthinking this. 

I slept in that night, wishing it would all be okay, because I was so drained and exhausted from the drive up North, but when I woke up the next day, mom convinced me to spend the day perhaps squeezing in a moment with you. Yet, she told me that she was going to be occupied with work, so that was when I thought, I should put you in. It took 
a whole lot of guts in me to text you tho. 

It made me feel so guilty when you told me you've got plans and I honestly have no idea how were we even going to meet considering you seemed pretty busy, I would say. Yet, you, you made me feel, worthless. Honestly you did. 

It wasn't as if I was always forcing and begging you so that you could fit in to my time. For once, I let my guard down, I let my ego down and I came clean to be honest yet, all you seem to do is let me down. 

Perhaps my caring game went too strong. Perhaps it was my mistake for being too nice and open minded. When all my friends told and keep reminding me to draw a line, why is it that I never wanted to listen?

I tried so so hard, to at least seek for you, even when I know that should not. Yet all you do is shut and turn me down. It makes me sad, honestly, it does. 
You make me worried as heck, yet how do I keep moving when it is you, that we're talking about. 

You asked when would I be heading back, and I felt so devastated by it. Hurt and torn. I honestly couldn't bring myself to answer you, because I do not know how to reply to that statement. Yet, I felt I didn't wanna bother you much. I just wanted to let this go. 

With such a busy schedule of yours, I couldn't believe my eyes when you went to the extend to ask such statements asking me why would I not 
be visiting another. Well, of course I would meet everyone when I could, right. Clearly, it shows 
how little you even knew you, you know?

Deep down, I didn't wanna bother you, really, I don't. I honestly feel that I would just be a burden to you. And I would really bring troubles to you. When we be friends, I never really thought this insecurities of mine would hit this way, so I knew I had to convince you, that everything is alright. That I would be okay. 
That all is well over here. That I would look after myself and have fun. I promised to get back to you, which I didn't. I promised that we would figure this out together. But how do I be chill when all I seem to feel and think is that, I am such a burdensome and problematic person to you, to even be around with. 
I really don't wanna be troublesome to, you. 

With so much of assurance from me, you just said okay, and let me go. Just like that. Perhaps, you should leave. I am sorry. All I seemed to have been thinking, is that, just maybe, I have brought 
so much trouble to you. I am sorry. 

Topic : Worthless.