You save everybody, but who saves YOU?

This post is written at 4 am when my sleep is disrupted and my emotions are running wild and there is nothing in the world that could put me back to sleep. As crazy as it sounds, my travel withdrawls symptoms are so real

 I cannot even pull myself back to a composure. With the case in Ipoh being pending and to plan for Taipei is another to get out of the way. I have so much to sort yet so little time. I cannot believe that my 8 weeks worth of break is coming to an end and I need to go back to reality. 

I've just realised that this is my 200th post on my blogspot and you are going to be amazed that this is the 8th year that I have been writing. It has been 96 months and 2,922 days that this blog has been with me and thus, publishing this post tonight is something very dear to me.

This post is dedicated to 4 different souls who had impacted me in year 2019 though I think you should figure out who these people are. 

To person A, 

This post was written after bidding goodbyes to you, still unsure how did 

I manage to pull that off. That was really crazy. But I guess, turning 25 teaches you a lot of things about life. That letter and the postcard that I've written you were my Guardian Angel to watch over you while I am not there. I guess I never really got the chance to tell you how much you meant to me, but I wish all of the little things will be able to yield you from any harm. For you to always be safe wherever you are. Dear you, you are so much more important than this ego of mine, and that there are way too much unsaid words to you, but I'll leave it at I am sorry BUT I no longer want to be sorry for something I don't regret. You've taught me way too much things for me to retract on now, stranger. Please do know that you mean a lot to me and that perhaps one day when you finally realised that, you will find your way back to me. I believe that if we are meant to be, 

we will be.

To person B,

This is also me convincing myself and none other that I am NOT hurt over the fact that you are running towards another knowing how deeply I've needed your help. This is me telling you two weeks, two days ago that I need you to hold me this time. I have always been the strong one, and this time round, I really needed you to just be there. This time round was the one time I wished you don't disappoint me. When you called, I pleaded to still see you, yet you apologized telling me that you cannot see me and you needed to be elsewhere. I was in tears yet I gulped my saliva and retracted my steps. I quickly said that I am sorry and told you that it is okay. I hung up because my voice was already breaking down in tears and I didn't want you feeling guilty over it. This is me thinking, if I needed someone at a suicide point, would you have disappoint me the same way tonight? 

I would have moved mountains just to be with you, but would you? 

To person C, 

Right from the start you were a thief you stole my heart. And I, your willing victim. This is me, fully convincing myself that you might have forgot about me after that winning of yours. Not checking nor talking to me because you have something else diverting you. I wrote to you while travelling wanting all of my lucks and prayers to be with you throughout your wins and losses. You never did write back, once. I write to you. All of my indirect texts on Twitter, they were all meant for you, but every time I logged on and see those words you put it out there for her, how is it that I am never enough for you? I began questioning myself if this pain was ever worthy? It truly did killed me a little but I guess you were never over her and would never be until you do. If situations were to be reversed, would you still be that cold hearted against me? This is me wondering if your lost soul has stopped loving this broken pieces of mine? With you I am a beautiful mess but lets just stop time for a little while and be honest with me. I need you, now.

To person D,

This is me, persuading myself that the girl you will go getaway with is just a friend. That nothing was about to happen. That you're still here for me although your heart is with her. There were so many words exchanged and gestures given but knowing this insecurities of mine, kept you awake the whole night. I worry way too much about things between us. But you gave me directions and connections. I told you about everyone and everything about my past, and this is me always wanting to impress you. This is me wanting to know more about you while standing at the side lines, because 

I can never please you. You told me that you are just going to break my heart eventually, but this is me asking if I don't take the chances that I am given, then who am I to question it then? When I told you that I needed to go back to where it was, you stopped me and you told me that I didn't need to anymore because now that I have you, you will be able to care for me. But this is me asking you, why do you have to leave in the first place? 

You save everybody Raveenaa, but who saves you?