Merry not so Christmas 2016!

Before I start writing this, please do note that 

I only promised myself five minutes on this post, 

so if the time is up, so is my writing. 

I am writing this on Christmas morning 

not for any other person, but for my mother. 

Yes, amma. Mom. Mama. 

Mama, I don't even know where to start, ma. 

But if I really needed to write, amma, 

I owe you a thousand of sorry, amma.

A lot of people in life, prayed for my failure, wanted to see me fall, but not you, ma. Not you. Mama, you're such a tough woman, ma. A strong Iron Lady I would say. From 2012 till date, you carry both the shoulder of a father and mother to me. It makes me laugh that we were never close back in my teen days but I am glad, that I have never spoke to you whilst growing up.

Growing up, I have always felt as if I am the most rebellious daughter anyone can ever ask for. But if 

I could change all of my deeds and sins into one wish, mama, I wish to be born as your daughter 

in the next life and the following up till Moksha, 

yeps till I don't need to be born again.

You used to joke that in the next life, you wanted to be my daughter instead so that I would know how headache it was to raise someone like me, but mama, if there is one word I can describe you, it would be power. Mama, serious power. No wonder you're a *inserts mom occupation here*

Mom, you are someone so strong and I have never once see you broke. Yes, except dad's funeral. But remember when dad passed away? You only cried on the day we performed the rituals. You stood strong, mama the whole entire service session mom, when people came to condolence you and the family, 

you stood strong and you greeted each and 

every person and you bid thank you to them all.

I have always questioned how heartless more could you be, but I later found that you cried yourself to sleep every night since you've lost him. You cried yourself cause you never wanted your three children to know them. You were worried that if we knew you started talking in your sleeps, we wouldn't be okay. 

That we would jeopardize our education. 

That was when I knew, I had to do my part.

But here I am to tell you these words mama. I am sorry ma. I am sorry for everything I've outdone you, mama. You were, you are, you would always be my wishes. 
I wish for your everlasting happiness mama. 

I would do well in life mama. I would excel. I would lead life as accordance to your wishes now, ma. 

Every little things, I owe it back to you, ma. 

Today, an incident happened. I was kneeling outside a sundry shop crying my lungs out. I was trembling. 

I was shaken and I could have sworn my heart almost stopped beating. That Indian Uncle who was the owner of the shop had to come out to hold me to ask me what happened. A Malay lady who happened to pass by the area stopped to ask are you okay, nak? She called out.

I was clueless. I couldn't think and all that ran through my head was that I needed to die. I needed to just call out for help. And I could see dad standing in front of me and my phone and purse fell out in front of me and I could hear everything else around me faded. That was when my phone vibrated. Mama, I could have sworn I could not feel my throat at all. And when 

I called out to you to tell you my whereabouts, you drove down to Kelana Impian Apartment to save me.

Ma, I could have sworn, being 22, I have never been so humiliated, defeated, tired, restless. You hugged me and told me everything was going to be okay. I was going out of my mind, but you stood your ground and tell me that it would be alright. For that, I was thankful.

We drove in silence and you held my hand and kept assuring me that everything was going to be okay. When we got back to Cheras, I sat down and 

I couldn't help the tears from falling. I really couldn't help but to cry it out loud. And I sat down and spoke to you all about it. Ma, I've never felt more humiliated and disgusted by myself, ma. I felt so used. I felt as if I've lost, ma. I felt as if someone came and grope happiness out of my hands. Far away from me.

Tell me, where have I gone wrong. Tell me, what did I do wrong to him to deserve all of this. I cried out louder and you just sat your ground as you watch me cry. I begged, I pleaded mom. I don't know what else I would have done wrong. When he said he didn't want me already, I convinced myself and said that this was worth another shot. And I put myself through this pain, torment, anguish AGAIN.

I really wish I could wake up and all of these would have just been a dream, amma. I really do. I wish I could forget him. Perhaps got involve in an accident and forget. I wish I could wake up with an amnesia. 

I don't have the strength anymore. Why do I always crawl back to things that damages me the most? 

The hardest thing was believing I was doing the right thing. That I was able to fix this person mom. I never should have gotten so attached to this person. I never should have let this person in. God, this was probably my biggest mistake that I keep on repeating. And 
I begged you, I thought you were different. I thought 
I KNEW YOU. I thought, you would never betray me. But you showed exactly why you didn't deserve me.

You used me. 

You used me and you're done. 

I had so many reasons to give up, yet I chose to stay. 

I lost this war. 

You won bro, you've won. Congratulations!

Checkmate! 

I watched you in silence ma, as I begged you to say something. You just shook your head and kept on asking me to pour my feelings out. I couldn't ma. How could I just keep hurting you that way? I was so scared that you would be angry, I was so humiliated and ashamed of myself. But all you did was you smile and 

I could see tears, ma.

What sin would I have done for you to cry over me, amma? You don't deserve all of these. 

Really you don't. And all you did said, was, 

"Girl, you ran back to him, even after knowing you were NEVER gonna be his first choice?" 

I nodded, and she smiled and I could see tears as she said, Silly Girl. You could be someone's BEST choice sayang. So why settle? And that was all it took. That was all it took for me to cry and for my mother to cry it out. I've successfully disappointed her. She saw my psycho side for the first time and I don't want that ever again. I'll pull this through. Success is for you, amma. I'll listen to you from now on amma. I'll do whatever it takes for you, mama. I'll do this, just for you. I love you. Forever and more. 

I see my God in you, ma. Tell me what should I do?  

I took longer than five minutes for this post. 

Ugh I hate myself. 

2016 is almost up, whoever that wrote this and 

got me this bouquet of flower where are you? 

Time to come forward and tell me I guess. 

An Open Apology Letter.

I have been sitting at the side of my bed convincing myself that 

I need to work on my next chapters for my paper. I tried my level best to restrain myself from texting nor talking to you and it made me realized, how much I’ve took you for granted when we were talking because you never fail to check up on me daily.

I am writing this because I figure you deserve an apology from me. A deepest sincere note of apology, 

but I thought I should write how did it all started affecting me.

When I first met you, little did I know that YOU would mean so much to me. But as time passes, it made me feel that all of the time spent together meant so much to me. You brought out sides of me which I’ve never shown anyone. And that was when I knew, that you would be the apocalypse of me. I don’t usually remember conversations that we spoke but I could clearly hear your voice in my head, 

word after word, the night I said goodbye.

I was wrong. Perhaps I was. Perhaps it was wrong to push you away knowing how much I needed you, in my life. You became a weak point in my life, but everyone knew how strong of a lady I was. I was addicted to you, and I knew it was no good for me. In life, people who love were supposed to bring the best out of you, but what should I do, when my words was cold and flat and it was never good enough for you. I am sorry because there are things I never gave in.

I guess, if I could say a thousand things, I would, but too much of words make it meaningless and I was never a person of words 

but I thought, if I should tell you, I owe you an apology.

I am sorry. I am sorry for always being so insecure. I am sorry for always doubting myself when it comes to you. I am sorry for never being good enough. I am sorry because it was not even my first time pushing you off. There had been so many instances that whenever we fight, I would end up crying and walking off. And you would be stuck figuring out why. I could have swore you deserved none of those. True, you were right. That I was good at one thing, assuming. I tend to overthink and people would leave me eventually. Because that is how life happens. The weather changes, feelings fade and people change. But that night, when you told me that

 I wouldn’t have stayed in the end in your life, I guess it backfired me because all along, I used to tell you that I would be gone. But

 for the first time in forever, you were ready. Ready to let me go.

And I began questioning myself, that this is it. That you are done. That you’re done with my shits and you’re finally walking out the door. You know when you hung up the phone that night, the last few words you said were take care and be happy. I could feel my heart throbbing out of my throat AS THAT WAS IT. Those were the last words I could have never uttered when I am with you. Thank you cause you know you define happiness yet when you told me,

to be happy without you, how shall I do that.

Four months. That was the duration you needed. Four months you took to come into my life, made it all happened and walked off. I am sorry, for being such a mess. I am sorry for always driving you insane. I am sorry, for being me. I am sorry for putting you through things that are so undeserving. I am sorry for driving you insane.

You see, the problem you and I is that we never did understand that life is about making mistakes. And through these mistakes, 

we are suppose to learn and grow from it. 

Why can't she ever learn to move on? Cause of all these feelings she had for you. Cause of all these memories created. She is a mess without you and it is so unbelievable that you are emotionally blind to all these. Cut out my eyes and leave me blind for a temporarily.

 I don't care what people say ; The rush is worth the price I pay :]

 I get so high when you're with me ; 

But crash and crave you when you leave :'] 

I think it's important to have closure in any relationship that ends - from a romantic relationship to a friendship. You should always have a sense of clarity at the end and know why it began and why it ended. You need that in life to move cleanly into your next phase.

Why do people do it? We deny the fact that we did wrong in everything or whatever we do. Why can't we take responsibility and move on? I don't know, you tell me.

 -Jennifer Aniston ♥

I know I might be the biggest selfish girl you ever met but sometimes I just wish you are still the old you when we first met that you always had your time for me. 

 I know I should hate you, I know. I get it but I don't. Why? 

I know I should move on, but I can't. Why?

I know I should face that things are over between us but 

I swear I remember that promise the both of us had that you would never be like them. You promised to have my back to infinity and beyond. So I guess just please, don't break the promise that meant the world to me, because right now, I am feeling completely stuck and abandoned all over again.

You know what sucks? This. This giddy feeling that I am getting that I am missing you all over again. Sincerely I think I am a fooked up. 

I mean I don't get it. How could you do it? Make somebody felt as if they are the one girl best friend you have and all of a sudden, with a snap of your fingers, you just forget them? You give them the silent treatment and you expect you both to be strangers again. And it sucks. Because I think it is not that I did not try. I did. I freaking admit gosh okay. I have an ego problems okay level higher than the KLCC building and to be putting myself down over and over again trying to like figure out what happened to us. 

I don't get it. I don't get you.

 I don't get myself and all and all ;

 I don't get us :X

I think this kills me. Seriously. I don't know to move on. Or to be stuck on stupid. I mean I really do. I want to sit down and be able to fix everything upright again. Everyone else around me tells me to give up. How could you? How could you blurt them words out that

 I might just forget you when I leave you someday? :( I think that line itself kills me seeing how much faith you have in myself thou. This kills. Treasure. It is a shame that I dreamed. I really did. Dad told me, there are two kind of people in the world. One who come into your life, they teach you a lesson and then they leave. And the other kind who comes into your life and they stay through thick or thin. Which group do you belong to? I don't know. Do I know what are you thinking? No. I don't. And is there ever sense of you fixing things up as well? Why la why? Why can't you see what you mean to me? Why do you have to compare yourself to others when can't you see that I am truly happy when I am with you? 

But then again, sighs. 

I miss the old you. I miss the old us.

You are right I guess. You are happy now. And that is what I have always wanted. You being happy. And if you being happy involves me leaving then I would. I really would :( I don't know if things are better off this way? All I felt is just I am a jerk and a fooked up la for bringing all of these to myself. All when I thought you did cared. That I meant something. Maybe it was all just me. I don't know what should I do. Should I head over sit with you and talk things out? Or should I put a full stop to where it is? Sighs all and all. I’ll stay with you through thick and thin, I’ll be there for everything, I’ll listen when you need to talk, I’ll hold you when you need to cry. I would never find someone like you, ever. But I'll just never be okay. Thanks for everything. Thanks for the memories :(

I might forget things you said ;

 but I'll never forget how or rather what you make me feel. 

I feel like I should never give up on us though. On this friendship. We'll make this work. I don't know how but we would. I admit it, I break.I broke down like nobody's business. Maybe time for me to learn though :( I sincerely don't know what to do or what to say or what to react anymore. Dear everyone who is reading this, give me the strength to carry on and to fix things upright. Give me the courage and the guts to do so. Dear Lord, the only thing I ask, is to hold us all when we're all trying to fight for this. Lead us all to a better path. Show us which is the best way though. I get it, if he is happier this way, I would leave. I would leave the second he want me to, but please do know, that I have got to say that I am deeply, tremendously sorry for being me, myself and I.

I am sorry. 

Don't Do THAT, Cause It Hurts.

She was never a person who is great at emotions. Heck, she rarely shows them unless you are probably one those who are close to her. As much as she wanted to ensure life was made easy for you, she wanted you to be around just as equally bad as hers.

She never wanted you to see how weak of a person, she could have been. That was probably the reason why she hid all of those lonely thoughts and midnight trails away from you. She never wanted you to be the kryptonite of hers. 

But when you were came clean and you became so honest, she became clueless as to how she shall react. For the first time in life, she doesn't know what shall she do. And when you told her the reason why you became close to her, it truly made her sad. 

For the first time ever, she was taken aback, she was caught with disbelief. That all of this, was coming from a person who she thought she could see forever in. And when you told her all of this, she kept convincing herself that she shall not be judgmental of things 

you are feeding her with.

All of these lies, thoughts, things that you've told her, she could have sworn that it does not make any sense to her. Why feed her with false hope when you are going to disappoint her in the end anyways? 

Why bother? 

It is true that you say she needs to be understanding as what you have said and it is even more heartbreaking to see her act as if she is okay when it is clearly otherwise. What kills even more is the thought that we are all so helpless to see her this way. We'll talk this out, I promise we would. You would be okay, girl. You would. Take all of the time that you need but please promise me that you would HEAL. 

That you would eventually be OKAY.

We are all warriors in this battle call life. 

Maybe, I should let it go (: 

Fight every second, warriors! Phir Le Aaya :)