December 2019.

I chopped of 42cm worth of hair. Wasn’t sure if it was the best decision in my life considering when my mother saw me after the hair cut, she thought I had did a mistake. Both my brothers knew how much I loved my long hair but also respected that I needed new beginnings to a lot of endings.

2019 was a year that thought me a lot of things. It was a year and would always be one that shows me, how emotional can a 25 year old me feel. Above anything else, I’m also capable of feeling and being hurt. Many of us think that we are just capable of being hurt by others words and actions, but we don’t realize that at times, people have to react in that manner in order to protect themselves from people like you and I, alike.

Of course if you would have been following my life stories and dating life, you would have realized that I’ve given up on more people than they do on me, simply because it’s not that I do not believe in second chances but more towards the fact that, I am of the person who feels that it is unfair for a person to change himself for me.

I’ve hurt and been hurt for good almost 19 persons and it took me a while to actually realize that perhaps, the reason is me. I convince myself way too much that I should try hard and harder but it always makes me even more disappointed because I realized that “I try so hard, and I’m never the chosen one”. And when I finally wanting to put a stop to this, then came YOU.

It was two in the morning when I told you that your voice would be of a comfort to me and it would help me sleep back. I had a real terrible nightmare that day, I think it involved something or rather someone with a hitman killing my past. And perhaps, this was a sign that it is indeed time for me to move on. That there should be a pause and this was mine. Dear you, I honestly do not remember what we spoke about but I remembered listening to you attentively speaking about the child that you love and adore. She must have been a huge part of your life and would always be. How does a person like me or a girl like anybody in that matter, seek comfort from that? I woke up, and wanting to write to you, it was then when I realized that you took away kind words of mine. You called me a coward and I woke up for a little bit. You see strength and that
my voice matter, why don’t I see myself in that manner, I thought. Again, making me wonder on a Wednesday morning is that, what is it that I didn’t do that was just going to be enough? Situations reversed, wouldn’t you have felt that even relationships and love was against me. Of course we comfort ourselves that this would get better, but until then, hold on.

But to what? Hold on to what, I shrieked. I can never fall for vague or false hopes nor promises anymore thus I think it’s okay. For me to take a little break and review on myself a little.
That perhaps, all 2019 was trying to teach me was to put myself first
above everybody else.

If this was going to take one year to learn and
10 or 20 guys for me to only wake up, then so be it! 2019 would always be a year worthy of remembering. From winning sarees, to solo travels to Langkawi, Vietnam and Taiwan to the very sole fact that
I have won the Air Asia travelling plan this year! I even managed to release a short film which was shot and inspired by me. I’m capable of writing more advertistments and to winning more court cases because 2019 wasn’t supposed to be a depressing one. I can do this and I will do this!

Dear Raveenaa, you are capable of so many more things in life.
Do not let this set you back. Don’t give up just yet. I have come to a realization that only me can save me. And I don’t think anybody can take that away from me. I have to be allowed to be focusing on myself and my career now, and for the longest of time, I have to learn that it is okay to be my own cheerleader and that IT IS OKAY.

I think I’m ready for 2020 now.

Half of my heart is in Havana.

I usually plan on my writing materials before I put them up, but I guess tonight shall be an exception. I should at least go free style tonight. 

It's been two months long since I last work on a piece. 

I would just leave it at I've not been having the inspiration to write. We should just put it at I really want a piece to be at least before the year ends. Here I am. 

It is December and we are three weeks away before the New Year's and there's so much that you and I should be achieving before the New Year's. 

A friend texted me earlier and we promised to work on our New Year Resolution together. Considering it is 20-20 next year, 
I should be able to come up with at least 20 resolution by mid of next year! 

After all, if you know me as a person, you would know that my 
New Year only begins only after the Chinese New Year. 

In all honesty, I have so much to tell you. But to add on to my 20 List of New Year Resolutions among others are to keep a diary, to do bungee jumping, and most importantly, I've been wanting to squeeze in the 4 travel trips in the period of 12 months and till date, I am stilll so clueless as to how I shall execute it. 

 Killer mukuthi and tattoes, are you and they are bae. 

I am in this midst of ice breaking with this person who would kidnap/save/be there for me on my wedding day. This is the guy who would come running for me and laugh at me when I need this. It's only been 
72 hours but this one is something. A lot of people has seen different sides of him and this is the one person, that I know would not fail on me. 

So many of you has asked about the post I put up on Instagram but it is fair for me to say that it was his favourite person on Earth, I would just stop at;

My favourite colour is yellow and yours in blue. I really like cheese and you love chocolates. I love music and you are a great singer. I laugh too much and you wink a little too much. You have such soft spot to small children and I think they're little Devil. You think you are the villain but humbly, 
I think you're a God's child who just returned from Hell to save mankind. 

I've been writing a little too much long texts lately 
but I'll stop at, wherever you are, stay a little longer? 

"11: 11

On the phone with you whilst writing this"

This Is Me (:

Tonight, a little part of me died more inside. 

Dear Sadness, hello once again. 

It is crazy. Of course it is. 

When I took the move to end a 4 years relationship, everyone thought I was doing the right thing. No one was around to hold my hand through this fire pit I threw myself into. I kept questioning if it was the right thing to do. 

I can never accept defeat to a soul who knew you for just 3 months long. True, time is never a measure or a medium to know someone. 

But to accept someone who cuts herself and then pushes me off the edge. 

Do I really deserve this? *breaks out crying*

I kept control and I returned every possible memory I could have of this person. I don’t deserve the first saree that you’ve handpicked for me although you had no idea how much I loved it. I closed the chapter and I gave myself a closure. I cried so much and convinced myself that I deserved better. I can and I will find better. I cried so much in this lifetime. 

When I met person A, of course like any other we started off as friends. And as many of you would have know, life can never give me enough happiness. Things happened when I was abroad in Vietnam, and that was when he decided to move for another. I wished for many things in life, but if there is one thing, I will stop at, I wished you would have told me upfront.

This left me baffled. I lost a war to a person who I have never met, 

never known. Never heard of. I wished the girl really makes you happy man. Three months was not short, the period that I was with you, turned out to be amazing but I realized that it was so much better to lose you now, rather than three years down the road. Life as it was, I learned to fix myself. I put broken pieces of myself that I could and I walked the walk. 

I walked out of your life.

It was hard but eventually I did. That was when B, walked into my life. 

Like any other promises, you told me that we would sit through business, 

share market classes, marketing classes, and above all, our chess dates. 

That was when you broke my heart once again 

by having me finding out that you were indeed seeing someone else. 

The worst kind of pain is actually telling you how precious and how much 

I care about you. I realized you were the kind of person who says one thing and then, does the other. You were just a friend but I guess that this is it.

I tried fixing myself so hard. Each and every single time somebody takes 

a piece of me with them, I assured myself that it would be okay. That this 

are the steps for me to find The One person who MIGHT make me happy. 

That was when person C came in. Thank you for ghosting out 

and for promising me that you were just here like any other. 

Thank you for dissappearing after having me opening up my life story. 

You were just there because you wanted, sorry. 

You NEEDED a lawyer’s advice and help. What kind of a friend are you, who would have just abandoned me on moments I needed you the most?

When all of this happened, I almost gave up. I was at wits ends, assuring myself that I should give this one more try. That was when person D snuck around and stayed. We had fun. Amazing dinner dates and long drives. 

I would never forget the drive from Brickfields to Assunta Hospital and coming back again, just because I was in the mood to see a lake at night. 

Like I’ve said above, when life sees me a little happy. That’s when it gives me a little taste of my own medicine. I found out that Little Mr. Mechanic here is very much engaged to another soul and belongs to another. 

Of course, I had to break both our hearts knowing this is probably 

the last mess I should put myself in. Because it is never worth the fight. 

Never did and never will. 

I finally gave in and told myself that I will close my heart. 

That this shall be the end of all of my heart broken episodes. 

That was when, you stepped in. You who was my first. 

My all time favourite. The one person who set the bar so high where 

I figure nobody could have ever reached you. The period of waiting for you to be back from ship and boarding again, everything happened in a blink 

of an eye but words after words, time after time that you have hurt me, 

would they all be worth it? I doubt.

You were amazing. You had always been. I was hurt, torn, broken. 

But you waited. You waited for me to heal. And mend me pieces by pieces. 

At the end of it all, you, person E, left too. I hung on to your words. 

Your words weigh a lot to me. But this is you, telling me that you still hasn’t move beyond the two weeks girl. Making me wonder, you’ve put our 10 months to a halt, don’t you? Everything was a fucking joke to you, ain’t it?

This is me writing in October that I need to focus on myself and to put a stop to all this. I need to rebuild myself and my confidence. But where do 

I begin, when each of them has taken very precious pieces of myself? 

My heart, my smile, my hands, my soul and most importantly, 

my happiness. Dear people/humans of Raveenaa’s world, If you think I’m avoiding you and I’ve been really away, trust me that I am not sorry but 

I have been taking time off learning to be alone and really learning to pick myself up. I’ve been sad, really sad but I don’t wanna be sad anymore.

Dear Sadness, where do I begin?

; Dil Mera Blast, Darshvan Raval 

Sohneya, Sohneya...

It's been a week.

It's been a week you've returned back to work and to ship, 

and I am writing this reminiscing that a week ago, I was holding to my phone for dear life knowing you had boarded the flight leaving the country. 

There were so many unsaid words after the Batu Caves date but I thought 

I should write them down. Cause even if one day if I were to have amnesia, it is these words of mine that will remind me of how much I feel for you. Remind me about our story on nyaalum paalum (this debate I hold on first).

That Tuesday evening, you called me and told me that you've been called to report back to ship and in all honesty, I teared so much. I cried because 

I didn't expect 3 months to fly this quickly when you're with me. Never realize how much time I've took for granted till you had to leave again.

That Tuesday night you texted me saying you have a favour to ask and you asked if I was working tomorrow. I immediately called in to take an annual leave because knowing if I had been honest, you would have not let me see you before leaving. I almost cursed myself cause office damn busy.

That Wednesday morning I showered and put on my laziest sweater, 

drove 19 km to go see you. That morning, there you were. I don't 

want to go into details because these were memories I should hold on to. 

When I saw you walking out of that station, my heart skipped so much and we drove in that cold Wednesday morning towards the clinic. You wanted me to leave right after that, you refuse to have me stay with you despite knowing how much my eyes pleaded. After much debates in the car, 

I almost give up and said up to you only then you agreed and told me to park and come get you *who even fights with me*. We sat near Masjid Jamek Square and you taught me everything you remembered and knew. 

At that point, I just wanted to lean in and speak to you in languages that you could understand. But I witheld myself because I knew, I kept reminding myself that this isn't going anywhere. That you are just a boy from North who thinks KL girl is too much for you. *this is me smiling*

We did the medical check and proceeded to the office. That was when it annoyed you about everything. You get so angry about the tiniest of things and I laughed it off. I laughed so much at it, and that was when I realized. 

You and I have so much in common, you're such a comedy piece. 

That one moment when we had to wait for good two hours because that office hasn't registered you in, I had this quick momentous time that we had as I was seated and you bought me my tea. My morning tea otherwise my soul will not be rested. You placed the hot tea before me and watched as 

I slowly sipped on them. Where had you been my whole life, really? 

You have no idea how much I adore you then as I watched you with my quiet eyes. We went up again but only to be declined once again. That was when I told you, lets make our way to the post office. As I was busy choosing my newly wanted philately stamps. You watched and came in and wanted to pay for my stuffs again. Knowing how much this guilt will kill you one day, I refused but your face changed. I know you felt guilty, I know how much you appreciate me going through this distance for you, but I need you to also know that I go through this distance for people that I care. 

I later went down for coffee and you went to your morning talk. While reading and drinking coffee, red flag alert since this is my second sweet cup already of the day and it wasn't even afternoon yet. I sat quietly and was planning if I could take you to Connaught night market that was when my phone bleeped and I saw the air plane ticket leaving Malaysia.

My heart sank a little. 

I tried to remain calm and kept my composure when you came down. 

We drove to Seri Pacific Hotel to help you check in and by then, it was already noon and we were both already so hungry. There was this brief moment where I leaned in on your shoulder and you just held me for that bliss 3 minutes before we pulled back and went off for lunch.

You will never know how much that ever meant to me because 

I think deep down, I would always be this younger sister to you. 

We went to take away for lunch because you were already not feeling so good and wanted to head back to nap. I drove back for nap and wanted to see you so badly for dinner. Raveenaa, don't try so hard for people. 

That two hours drive from home to you, I kept reminding myself that 

I WOULD NOT CRY. That I will be this big girl who handles herself and pull herself together. I reached over and you were so occupied with your cousin brother. I was so torn not wanting to let you go. I wanted to drive you to 

Mid Valley but because I only had 2 hours with you as the agent had to pick you up at 9 pm to the airport, I decided to change location to Sogo. 

Again, I had the chance to show you where I worked previously around Sentul. I showed you were Tasty Banana Leaf is and where Desi Chapati. 

I wasn't able to show you where the Court is, but one day, I will. 

We went around Sogo getting the very last minute things you needed before boarding time. We went to have dinner together and that was 

when it hit me. That this might be the last dinner we'll ever have together. 

I remembered that night we ate and laughed away. 

We laughed from our crazy date stories to our families to the fact that 

I promising to be married at 28. It was such an amazing dinner night. 

We cleaned and left the table. I remembered before leaving that night, 

we went to get snicker bars and you refused to let me wait with you. 

You wanted me to be home. The drive from Sogo back to your hotel was the worse because we both drove in silence. When we arrived, my heart broke into the millionth of pieces you can ever think of. But this is you, hugging me as you bid your goodbyes. I was already in tears when the peck at the cheek happened. I said my goodbye cause you were already running late. I came home that night and cried so much like a small girl who didn't get her lollipop. I cannot believe this is happening again. This is exactly like last January where I let you go without telling you how I feel.

Here I am promising myself that I will let you know, the next time I see you. 

; Arijit Singh x Atif Aslam

King of Lions and Protector :)

I think the toughest challenge upon having you in town was wanting to do so many things but fearing I wasn't going to have enough time to do them. 

Hello avid readers! I'm sorry for putting my blog on idle again but I am back. This time round, you would be amazed with the content I am going to put it up here. Do leave me your feedbacks because it matter okay?

A really good friend of mine visited from Ipoh earlier this week and writing this makes me feel so bummed that the weekend passed by so quickly.

Fast forward the story when he got down to KL from Ipoh that day, 

I actually went down to Seremban to attend Arveen Kaur's big day. 

And I am just so happy to know that my babe is officially Mrs. Prem now. 

So basically going back to the story ya. I drove back from Seremban and rushed all the way to meet this person. I was stuck in jam on my way to him but it doesn't matter. It took me good two hours of my life to him. 

So many thoughts ran through my head. 

That this is happening. That 60 days had passed and what has changed? I've missed spending time with you, but will this go on? 

And then sharp at three pm, he walked out the front hotel lobby towards my car and for the longest of time, I stared so hard at this perfect flawless being thinking in my head why haven't I called him mine, yet. 

He did me a box of little things comprising of things I need.

We drove into the distance cause I wanted him to see my alma mater, 

and went off for lunch cause we were both equally starving. After much consideration, I took him to Murni for lunch. We sat down and ordered and talked our day away. Time, being my biggest enemy showed that the clock struck 4.15 pm and I had to drop him back because he had this stupid schedule thing that shoots my blood pressure high whenever I think of it. 

I went for tea that night with Mathi and Vino but I was so upset because not only I was only spending 1 hour with him on his first day here but there were so many unexecuted plans. You guys have no idea how upset I was because it was such a short period of time that I have. We promised to meet earlier on the second day as he had to push off to Shah Alam after. 

On day two, I called the shots to scrape all of our plans and head to Batu Caves instead. I will just stop at it was so beautiful after they repainted the entire stairs in such colours guys. It was so amazing. I made prayers together for him and the family. Thought he really needed it for the house. 

On a side note, I realized I take such nice photographs of him as compared to him taking mine. I am such a good photographer though. Look at this. 

I took 

vs

He took

The picture was senget and blur, you all. 

We went for a short drive around after that. I showed him where my school was, where the Bursa building was, Berjaya Times Square, Changkat and where the whole Bukit Aman building. From the Pudu Pasar to Pudu Raya, all of it. The skyscrapers were all so breathtaking and beautiful. 

The weather was so hazy but I really do hope you make your way back to KL one day and I would still be the one who gets to take you around. 

I've never been more thankful to be a KL girl when I get to take someone around. Someone like, YOU. So many memories would be etched so close to me and my heart. The prayers, the sami kaayire, to vibudhi and the dreamcatcher in Shiela. I really hope you liked it cause it was handmade. 

So glad to have you around in this lifetime, really.

I dedicated my instagram story last night for you, but you didn't see any of them. Thought I should attach it here as a self reminder to myself, 

that I am capable of loving this much and being loved this much. 

Thank you, my love. For this and everything.