I Guess I Never Did Have ANY Answers :'X

But you make me wanna act like a girl. 
Paint my nails and wear high heels  ♥
Yeah you, make me so nervous ; 
That I just can’t hold your hand.

Dearest blog readers ;
We meet once again. Well not to lie but I've got to say I am tremendously sorry for neglecting my blog again. How long has it been? A month or so right? But the main thing is ; I just wanna say sorry like for being away for a little while.

Find people who do not make you feel alone :3
-The Perks Of Being A Wallflower-
Truth is ; I've been thinking. I've been doing lotsa thinking lately and one of it was to actually quit the idea of blogging anymore. I mean ; lets face it. I am exhausted. Of life and of people. Honestly ; I feel like I am a mess and I really fear of putting other people's life ahead of mine anymore cause I am just sick of it. I really do. Plus, it sincerely freaks me out to like sit and stone a little while to actually have a grip of ideas of what to be said and what not to be said on my blog. The ugly truth is that I do not understand why do society even need to judge? I mean ; why can't I be allowed to say whatever I want. Whatever I feel. Whatever I think. Sincerely ; it sucks.

"There are people who forgets how it feels like to be
 sixteen when they turn seventeen".
-The Perks Of Being A Wallflower-
Okay, lets not take things any further. Lets not be a hypocrite and lie the reason why am I here thou. I've been alone. I mean it is a metaphor. But I've really been alone. In a crowded place and I don't know what to do. Cause things would just never be the same anymore. Of all the things I could worry and think of in life ; I chose to put myself through this again. To make myself feel so worthless and useless. Funny side is I don't know what to feel anymore. It feels as if I am bulletproof. It feels numb. It feels as if nothing matters anymore. Like if I were to be away from people for a while, no one even cares anymore. Like no one ever did. On a serious note, it makes me wonder. Like if I were to get married someday ; would you even make the effore to come to my wedding? Or if I were to run away alone ; would you be the one who stays through it all? Or even if I were fated to leave someday would you even care to call or even put in the effort to find me? The truth is ; I don't know. Well, people could have asked me about us two months ago and I dare say I would say that you were one of the few fine things that ever happened to me in life. But today? I am not certain. Everything seems to be tumbling down the road. Everything seems to be a tragic. Every single thing I am involved in is a mess and every single detail seems to be trudging downhill. 
The worst of all, you are not here with me. 

"She (Aunt Helen) was my favourite person 
in the world until I met you. Charlie to Sam".
-The Perks Of Being A Wallflower-
The worst feeling of it all is that it had always been us. Us against the world. The two of us. And then today ; when I woke up. I find myself all alone. Like I am literally nothing. Like I don't matter anymore. And this feeling sucks. No, honestly it kills. Cause I've been better. You've been better and we've been better. I've always asked you this like what am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you? What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay? The weird part is that ; there seems to be no option for me. Seems like all doors shut down and there are no way for me to escape nor run. Like I can't cry, I can't face a nervous breakdown. I couldn't have a paranoid attack. I can't undergo an emotion problems and all I am left with is to be strong. Like to show I don't give a damn when all it does is kill me from deep within you know. Like it eats me up. You know ; everyone is freaking right. The adults used to tell me a lot. To never make a best friend your everything ; cause you are none blood related and they do craps behind your back. Just when I thought you were different ; you prove me wrong and showed me every single person out there is just the same. And they were placed there in life for a motive ; for a reason and they were machines that were created to kill me. 
To stab all these feelings away.

"Both Charlie and Sam kissed and they hugged each other. They held each other in arms length for a little while". 
-The Perks Of Being A Wallflower- 
Best friends? Honestly, tell me. What is the meaning of best friends? What do you define best friends as? Is it someone who you loathe and he ended up being your best friend? Someone who shares the same hobbies? Same taste in music and passion with? Or someone who in a blink of an eye became close to you? Or rather someone who you never expect meeting in life and then you both ended up being so so close and promised the word 'forever'. Flip to a dictionary and you can see the term best friends are defined as close people who surrounds you who are non-blood related yet you create a bond together. And that bond is called ; 
FRIENDSHIP.

 "I do not write poetry ; poetry writes me". 
-Craig (Sam's ex boyfriend) to Alexis (Patrick's date to the prom)-
-The Perks Of Being A Wallflower-
However, in my dictionary I precisely believe that besties are the ones who come running whenever you needed them. They are the ones who you can rely your trust on and they are also the ones who you are capable of looking through your soul, beneath all your fake smiles and know you are NOT alright. Sincerely, what made things worst? I've never experience such loneliness in this family like what I am going through right now. It seems every single door is shutting down on me and I feel like there is no way out despite having so many wonderful also amazing people around me. Truthfully, it hurts. It hurts even more when we both literally stopped talking and we totally stopped making eye-contact anymore. It made me feel as if we are total strangers again. Like, we have never met each other in life before. You see, the worst of it all? I feel even more lonelier these days compared to the days when I newly joined the family.

"Is to be able to look at a person and 

know everything's gonna be okay ; Charlie".

-The Perks Of Being A Wallflower-

Well, many people that I know don't seem to understand me that well, I suppose. But who is there to be blame when I myself is an emotional freak. I don't seem to understand. Or rather I choose to say I rather don't seem to WANT to understand that this is the main issue with me. That I just loathe burdening people with my problems and that I should not complain to others about what's happening in life and I think it sucks to be people who had to be my punching bag. Cause' I sincerely apologize for having people to deal with me despite they themselves face shits and handle issues they have to deal with in their lives as well.

"We accept the love that we think we deserve". 
-Stephen Chbosky-
The Perks Of Being A Wallflower :3
I have never been this open to people before till' I met you. Like I had just never literally tell someone everything and anything about myself till I found you last year and I sincerely think the main problem with us both is that we are too emotionally attached to each other. Not to blame, but I dare stand before you and say you've changed. You've changed into somebody I don't even know. Seems like I don't even know this new you. What make matters even worst than it already is? We run. We run from each other. It sincerely kills me when I myself know that it isn't suppose to end like this. It just isn't right.

"Why do I, and everyone I love, pick people 
who treats us like we’re nothing?" 
Charlie to Mr. Anderson ; English Teacher.
(The Perks of Being a Wallflower)
Well, what had we ever promised each other on your birth date? To never shut the other party down. To NEVER ever do that. What happened to that? What happened to us? To go to each other and yell all feelings and unhappiness out? To spray all shits out? What happened to that thou? To table talk all matters out. What are these man? Bullcraps? Where did all our words died to? What are words if you really don't mean them when you say them? All I've ever wanted, was for you to just stay and not walk off. TO JUST BE HERE, YOU KNOW :'[

High school is even worse than middle school.
-The Perks Of Being A Wallflower-
Why did I literally shut you down? Why did I keep walking the walk? It started because of just a god - damned result slip. A fooking result slip that I should have insisted on checking on my own man. Like now that I think about it again, screw all these feelings aside man. For real thou. Lets not be a hypocrite and fake. I was truly excited. I was really happy. I really was happy at the idea of checking my first semester result with you after putting so much effort into exams last year and all those dope ass hardwork, I think I did pretty well cause I think ; just I myself knew how much time spent on books to study last year when I compare them to my current semester? Plain hopeless thou. I just know. Plus ; I recalled telling you how anxious I was and how relieved flushed through me when you stopped me from doing it myself. 

I am here. And I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful.
-The Perks Of Being A Wallflower-
You offered and told me only check my results together with you in school itself the following day. I said yes without thinking twice cause' I've always believe at this thought that you were like this brother of mine who brings good luck charm cause truthfully, I really was happy when you said ; "No, Raveenaa. We are gonna check the results together the next day in school. Now go to bed". And being such a dumb - founded person ; I agreed. And the very next day ; shit happened. And I would call it everything went down into the drain. I remembered not seeing you throughout the entire day till' after school and I was at my locker and you were rushing off somewhere and I didn't even made the effort to stop you. I caught a glimpse of you and I waited. I honestly waited until five in the evening with no lunch. Nothing. And I remember screaming in my head saying go fucking eat something before gastric strikes again and I waited like a pathetic little girl for her Santa Claus to appear and I remember exactly that I waited for you to view the results and to go celebrate the first semester results with you. 
That was how confident I was of myself, you know.

We were just there together. And that was enough.
-The Perks Of Being A Wallflower-
And I waited. I waited forever until I saw the clock struck five in the evening. I watch three hours past. One hour by the other. And I seriously had no clue where were you. Like which part of the Earth were you in and all I did was waited in the room. I guess it was all fate that when 1700 hours came, I walked to the washroom and you came down into the room, took your bag and left. You know what crushed me down the most? That we didn't met. Nah, scratch that I would say. What killed me was my school bag was placed directly beside yours and you could just leave a note and go you know :X Like seriously. I was so pissed at myself for leaving at the wrong timing and have you back at the exact moment when I wasn't in. 

You see things. You understand. You’re a wallflower.
-Patrick to Charlie-
-The Perks Of Being A Wallflower-
That night you told me why you couldn't be there and sincerely I don't blame you on a single bit. Instead I blame myself. For rejecting all my classmates when they offered my results with me. For turning all my best girlfriends away when they decided to run to the office to get my identification number for the result. To push all teachers away from letting me know. For going home that night and scream into everyone's face when they asked how did I do. Funny side is ; I never did check the result you know. I only found out about them the following day when I went to school and my General Knowledge teacher came to congratulate me. It seems like she viewed my results and she told me that I achieved what I wanted. Truth to be told ; till' today ; I haven't even see that slip you know. So like yeah :] 

“Why should other people get to be happy all the time?
We could be those people.”
-The Perks Of Being A Wallflower-
I think that when you matter to someone, that person will always make time for you. No excuses, no lies and no broken promises you see. You have no idea what you meant and that event you organised earlier this year? Hahaha. I remember running up and down school stairs to just make sure everything was alright. To put me as the Guard Of Honor Head was hell especially when it was Trials week. To have me brief every girl almost everyday to make sure everything was perfect. To ensure everything and everyone know what to do. You had no clue as to how I had to sit and talk to certain freaks for help to come for the event. To help out with everything cause I know  we couldn't do much if there's a little of us. To be typing craps for everyone cause I wanted to make sure everything was in place. To ask people to stay. Sorry not ask. To actually beg almost on my knees for people to just be able to be there for the event. 
To at least stay till' five in the evening cause 
that girls' changing room was a hellish job. 

We can’t choose who will love us. 
But we can choose who to love.
-The Perks Of Being A Wallflower-
You had no idea how much my ushers and my girls had to miss the performance just to make sure every guest know the place for refreshments. You had no freaking idea how long I stayed just to paste crappy stickers on the floor all the way from the hall to the canteen just so the ushers and Guard Of Honor would know where to stand. And it is even crazier to be facing mood swings and exams altogether and having no help offered isn't it? And I was really shy to ask probates to even help after all that they have done. You just had no clue. That is like the tiniest thing I could mention. Nobody did ever tell you that midnight I called your buddy to offer help to decorate hall and to close up the girls room. I offered my girls help when they could be leaning back and relaxing plus stressing over exams yet they came to help :'] They came to help bro :'] 

And I swear ; in this moment. We Are Infinite.
The Perks Of Being A Wallflower :3
Things might seem small to you but it was a great deal to me. Did you even know? I made all the girls go home that day after school to shower ; put on perfume ; put on make-up and their best smile so we could look good that day? Do you know that? That I dragged my best girl friend and went out of school to go shower and I was having lunch when you called and the food was being served in front of my eyes. Then you called and told me that the changing room wasn't done yet I literally put the spoon and fork down ; held my best girl friend's hand and ran. We ran back to school and honestly ; my lunch for that day. A plate of fried rice costed seven bucks gone. It was served and I left that place with her. We bolted back to school and I ran up all the way four floors up to help. When no one else did care ; I was there. You know what is the part that got me cackling until today? That why did I ever do that? Like why would I even wanna rush all the way back there when I know for a fact that if anything goes wrong on that day, troubles were on you. I ran across streets like a mad woman for you bolting back to school. Helped when no one else did. After all this, I don't even deserve a thank you ; do I? :'/ And all I've ever wanted again ; was for you to just be happpy. 
To just stay and be there. Yet, did you? 

We can't choose where we come from ;
but we can choose to go from there.
-Psychologist Doctor to Charlie-
-The Perks Of Being A Wallflower-
When someone talks about their problem, it doesn't just mean they are complaining. It just simply means they trust you enough to tell you. Hahahah, oh really? Funny as fook. I forgot. When I was being yelled at by a teacher in front of Ground Duty. That Chapel morning. That incident. When she shouted at me where I was busy planning with the sub -committee head as to what to do for your event. I made her wait. She got really angry and blasted. I went to apologize after chapel and got even worst than that from her. In the staff room. In front of everyone. I walked out of the staff room ; no I dragged myself out of that place crying as if somebody died. 

"You can't just sit there and put everyone's life 
ahead of yours and think that counts as love".
Sam to Charlie in The Perks Of Being A Wallflower.
My two girls. Wye Kei was just there ; she saw me and she hugged me and tell me to just shake it off me that everything is gonna be alright. Yvonne ; who for the first time seeing me breaking down into pieces like that ran up and down the Hinch block building looking for Room Committee Head to get me tissue papers. Teacher's Day Head who I don't even certify as best friend could come and sit and crack a joke saying seniors used to get worst than this. Yeups making me cried even harder for being the first female who made her blew up. My corsage committee head could come and keep asking me whether am I alright? To tell me everything is gonna be okay. Annual clean-up head ; who could come to me and ask me to stop crying and he'll bring me out to lunch after school. Every other Form Four kid I could think of ; came and show their care and concerns. Asking what happened to me. They asked me how am I holding up. I remember after recess walking into canteen only to have three teachers stopped me and asked me whether am I okay?

A great word ; Milkshake. 
Here's to the greatest milkshake in the world. 
-The Perks Of Being A Wallflower-
I have always wanted to ask you this one question. Only this question. Where were you when all of these happen? Like I can't even deal with this in the real life. I kept playing the incident over and over again in my head and all I am getting is negative thoughts in my brain. Like where were you when all shits happened? Where were your promises to be just by my side when everything is trudging towards downfall? Most of all ; where were you when the world was against me. You went missing. Maybe my guts were right. You never did care. I never did matter anyways. Why be there when all your life you've never even bother about me for a single bit? Why acted as if I matter. For once. I thought I was important till' you proved me I was wrong again. Why am I so so dumb to stand against everyone for you? Whether it is a teacher ; 
I stood up for you. Kills me to say this but I was there for you. 

"Cause I want to make sure that the first person who kisses you ; loves you ; okay?"
Sam to Charlie. The Perks Of Being A Wallflower.
Shits you don't even know. How much I ran and I talked and I pleaded and I stood by your side and tell teacher that you were just stuck. Between work and family. Between us and family. Stood up for you against my own work team or better known my own executive committees cause I told them you are just facing too much things in life. You have just no single clue how I felt when I had to hear things about the little brother of yours from everyone else and not you. Even your kor kor came to tell me. Not even you. It felt like a direct slap into my own face like why am I even there for a reason. Like you should have even come to me despite we're not talking and stuffs but it felt as if you had better people to talk to and not me. Like my opinion didn't matter at all. Like my world was filled with freaking strangers for a moment 
cause even my own best guy friend 
couldn't come to me to talk and sort things out. 
Stupid things I do ; I do it for you. 

In the language of love ; mixtapes are the slang.

-The Perks Of Being A Wallflower-

You may all call me a dreamer. But I guess I am just done being sad you see. Funny how things turned inside out. The thing is ; I think it is only fair if the term Best Guy Friend is opened to one and only girl. You see in friendship I messed things up. I know I do. But then at the same time ; where had the time gone? It is all lost now. I lose. You won. Fate won over us. Why is it fair to be hearing everyone else calling you their BGF? What was it that I ever did to deserve seeing all these. Yeah I am selfish I know I am. But why am I stuck man? I am just stuck in the middle when I could have just move on now. There is something about you. Every single time I look at you now it kills. My heart kills. There is just some part of me that knew it should not ended like this and we are better than this :/ 

That one moment ; when you know you're 

NOT a sad story ; but you're alive.

-The Perks Of Being A Wallflower- 

There were no more good lucks from you during exams and there were no longer you being here for me huh. And I guess I should learn to pick myself up. To stop crying to just be okay again. To just be FINE. Cause I know I can do it. And just stop caring about me. Just stop. I never wanted you to ask about me anymore and just stop asking another best friend to look after me. And just stop saying that I have a new best guy friend now replacing you cause the stupid ugly truth is that no one can ever replace you. Just. No. One. So just stop caring about me nor my results. Just act as if you no longer know me. Just kill me off cause it is better this way, cause everyone around me assume you've found someone better and I wish you luck I swear I do. Funny of all things I miss ; I could only miss the laughter we had. THAT ONE HUG OF YOURS which always cause me feel okay again. And that hug can only come from you :/ Weird as fuck. That secure feeling whilst hugging you telling me everything is gonna be fine cause you are here. That you are beside me. That I have a shoulder to lean on and cry.  Weird how much I missed everything. That car park emotional break down sessions. You're fine now. You're happy and that was what I've always wanted. You being happy. 

Your happiness is all that's matter.