I am only One Call Away ;

Back after a week. I usually have a topic 
in my mind as to what I want to say or write up.

But it is such a shame for this post, because I would want to write up about things that has been bothering me lately. I have no idea where would this post head or how it may end, but I guess I need to say it off.

Oh, won't you stay with me? Cause you're all I need. People say love is clear to see, but darling, stay with me. Just bear with me throughout this post okay.

And through this blog roll, 
I wish to write a letter and I would do it, my style. 

Dear You,

I wish you know that I am writing this to you. I wish you know how much you put me through. A year ago, the old me, would have come running when you called. But last night, when your text came in, and you told me that you needed me, I did not know how to hit the button reply. When you called me up to ask how am I doing when all your final intentions were 
to seek help from me, I couldn't be any more numb.

And it was suddenly all clear that this was all a game for you. That this was something you are so good 
at and I was just falling in to this trap. Cousin? 
Blood relation? You were going to use that on me? 

Irony when would rush to your side when you are in trouble but you wouldn't even bother picking up the phone to call or text a birthday text because
 you think you are a hell of a great. You think that everyone has to be a stuck up to you. You've always thought that people have to please you to live.

And here I am, to do the other. I'll love deeper, 
I'll give forgiveness, and I'll show you, how to live.

Then, there came YOU.

There came another YOU.

Who I've spilled so much effort, so much time, trying to be your friend. Trying to be as normal as I could. Trying to fit in like the way that you do.
 I honestly cannot be someone who I am not.

I cannot be someone you expect me to be. 

     How?     

            Really?           

Hero.

I met you exactly a year ago. I should probably rephrase my sentences so I sounded a little more right. I officially knew you on 12th August 2014, 

over a driving exam yet I properly only knew you after the wedding we both attended in December 2015. 

You have been nothing but amazing. 

The super long talks with you have been nothing more than to learn about you and to know you better. 

When you finally decided to open up and told me what had happened to you throughout the months that 

I wasn't with you, tears rolled down my cheek. Because, I realized that you did not deserved any of the followings that has happened. Especially to you. 

It hurt so much. It hurt real good. I realized that nothing should even happen to you and being one of the last 

to know about the incident, I figured that was what hurt me the most. I sobbed even harder on the phone. 

When you told me that you cared for me than anyone else, my heart listened to you so well, but my ears and mouth shut you down telling you off that I would never believe the lies that comes out from your filthy mouth.

You asked how am I doing without you. I couldn't crack my voice to tell you that I have been awful and miserable at the very first stage, but then slowly, 

I moved on. I learned and discovered a new side of me that I never though existed. I found a NEW me. I found the me who was able to breathe and live, without you. 

You asked me how was being away from you felt like and I kept quiet and diverted question away to tell you about my holidays. I spoke to you about my grandparents which I honestly think you could not be bothered about. We speak about gambling a little and 

I promised to teach you the next time I see you.

Back to basics shall we? We spoke about parents and we spoke about our loved ones and our memories. 

We speak of our strength and of our weaknesses. 

We spoke about US.

I couldn't help but to tell you about my friends, 

my closed ones. You made me choose between them and you yet, in a blink of an eye my answer was them. It was always them and it is always gonna be them.

I speak to you about the new guy I am having and 

you sounded concern but I knew deep down, who am

 I even barely cheating on. You probably no longer care. So no two cents should even be given from your side about how you care about me any longer, right?

I thought and thought to myself and I hear the tone of happiness and that glint in your voice as you speak of her. The new her. And, you continued story telling me of how the both of you met and how you both fell 

for one another. I was honestly happy for you.

Though I couldn't help to feel the pang in my heart but I knew I had no choice but to protect myself to not feel this way anymore. I had no choice but to let you go.

 To move on. And then, there's you, who clearly convinced me that you need me in your life.

You came clean to me. Everything about it. 

Everything about you. I have had no one who has ever done that, yet you were the first. You speak to me what happened that night when I left. How your following nights were. And how you handled your work. I am happy, that others have been keeping you occupied and you're finally, truthfully happy. Honestly. 

I was happy for you to have found HER. It felt like 

you got me replaced just within seconds of your life.

You wanted honesty out of me as well, 

I couldn't help it. I tell you of the two photos that 

you shared which clearly have hurt my feelings. 

I speak to you about the two persons I loathe seeing you hang around with. I knew at that very instant that, your past life still calls for you, yet, you kept on going back to answer it. It was one of the few reasons why did I even decided to let you go. Remember when I questioned you that if you keep answering your past, how would you even have a future with me?

You made me a promise you said you would keep up, this year. I fear for you. I honestly do. And when I tell you of all the things I do, you freaked for a while and questioned me of the things I do in my daily life.

I am not ready one bit to let you go. 

Heck, I am not even ready for university. 

I know I am not. 

I am not done lazing around and visiting people yet. 

I still have so much to do, yet so little time. 

It was then, when I gulped my saliva down my throat

AND

 asked you the most important question of the night, and I said, did you for one second of your life, 

missed me at all?

And secretly and discreetly, I could hear you take a long deep breath and after a silent pause, 

you answered me a silent and a strong YES.

I don't know why or what the reasons are but my answer is definite now, cause darling boy, you are the only exception. And I know I want this with you, cause at the end of the day, it is what that matters and 

I know, very well, that my heart, tell me that you are WORTH IT.