I'll keep running, just to find a way to YOU.

I asked if you would be okay with us not being married because honestly, I am scared.

I am scared of losing you and always wishing you are here. Of course it is beautiful to have somebody physically present. I am scared, anxious and insecure. What if we both settle down and you realised our savings was not going to make it, and then you decide to leave me to go back on board again?

I told you that I want to take the time off to study and to travel, because I need to focus on other things. I’ve been yearning and missing you for a while now. And all you’ve asked was for us to do this for another 3 years, till you’re done. You’ve already made up your mind, what else can I say? I mean, Amma has already made up her mind also.

I really want to stop my feelings for you. Because if you know how insecure I am and how much it makes me sad not having you here. Of course I would like if I have you around and I get to hold you or talk to you, or just the minute to see you over lunch or dinner. Or even just a jog at the park.

We are together, but we are not together. How do you expect me to grasp on nothing, but just your words. You’ve said that I needed to learn to trust, to have faith. But we’ve broken each other’s heart before.

That was my point.

You questioned my love, my feelings. You called me out and said I was using you for a time pass. It hurt me a lot. Very very much actually. And I feel that we don’t understand each other. How can our raasi match when we don’t even listen to our other half.

You want a better security... you want that extra savings and I understand that. And it made me sad because you think I’m considering other men when there were no people to even begin with

I am worried, everybody else is worried. My mother asked me not to get the place because she knows that I want to move over to Ipoh. I was already willing to leave everything behind for you, but I began wondering. Why am I jumping everything for you?

That was when I explain that I am a person of feelings over principles. And it upsets you so much. You said my love was bullshit because love isn’t having somebody there. Love is not physical. And it made me wonder, why do you even love me even? I kept asking you this question. Three times, four times I asked. Your only answer was because I love you more.

You said I ruined your month, and for the first time in many months, I’ve felt like, you never did understood me. And as much as I love you, you don’t even understand my point when I try to tell you about my insecurities and things I want to do.

I’ve heard your worry in your voice and as much as you hate it, you just want to protect me. And for the first time after so long, I made you so angry. And I don’t know if it is a good thing or not. You mistaken me for so many things. But I am glad you told me how you feel.

My name also you could spell wrongly, let it be the care that I think we have for each other. I’m asking you to focus on your family and yourself. Because I no longer want to be a burden to you. And as much as it sucks, I wished you understood me a little bit more.

I love you, always.

You are my kind of blessing.

You are my kind of blessing.

It was 3pm when I texted you all of my worries. 4pm passed, 5pm passed, 6pm passed and yet I did not hear from you. By 10pm I still did not get a reply and my anxiety grew. I was freaking out of nowhere knowing you’re so far away and I’m not there for you and neither were you here to love and hold me, on days that 

I needed you.

In all of my previous relationships and friendships, 

I’ve always been blessed with the sole fact that they have always been within a call or whatsapp away. 

I’ve always been surrounded with love 

that I’ve never needed to request it.

And then, came you.

I’ve thanked you so many times for living so well. But I’ve never once told you about how I actually felt about you, about us. The idea of us scares me a lot, honestly. But, I want you to know that you make me the 

happiest girl on Earth.

Three am came and you began replying all of my texts. Words by words, assurance after assurance I’ve read them. It was all at one go and yet, I began trembling. 

I was NOT convinced. 

It took you 12 hours to come back to me. I began tearing while typing my replies. And I realised, I’ve been so vulnerable and that I’m so weak that I hate it so much. This is not me, not the me that I’ve known.

After my dad passed away, I’ve never really relied on anybody to get anything. And here you are, holding on to your phone, reassuring me that it would be okay. That we are okay. I called you within that heartbeat. And within a second of the phone ringing, you picked it up.

I began crying so hard, telling you how frustrated I am. And you handled the situation so well.

I must have taken you by surprise when I cried so hard, and you sounded so helpless. 

Words after words, time after time, you listened to me. Promised me that this too, shall pass.

I know I don’t say it enough. 

But thank you for always being here. 

Thank you for always loving me. And thank you, for being mine. Thank you for always holding my heart through this storm. And as much as it scares me, 

I love you.

Rainy days will pass, but my love for you would be eternal. I love you, I do.

#TwentySix #Blessings #BestBirthdayPresent #MyLove