Tonight, a little part of me died more inside.
Dear Sadness,
hello once again.
It is crazy. Of course it is.
When I took the move to end a 4 years
relationship, everyone thought I was doing the right thing. No one was around
to hold my hand through this fire pit I threw myself into. I kept questioning
if it was the right thing to do.
I can never accept defeat to a soul who knew you for just 3 months long. True, time is
never a measure or a medium to know someone.
But to accept someone who cuts
herself and then pushes me off the edge.
Do I really deserve this? *breaks out crying*
I kept control and I returned every possible memory I could have of this
person. I don’t deserve the first saree that you’ve handpicked for me although you
had no idea how much I loved it. I closed the chapter and I gave myself a
closure. I cried so much and convinced myself that I deserved better. I can and I will find better. I cried so much in this lifetime.
When I met person A, of course like any other we started off as friends. And as
many of you would have know, life can never give me enough happiness. Things
happened when I was abroad in Vietnam, and that was when he decided to move for
another. I wished for many things in life, but if there is one thing, I will stop at, I wished you would have told me upfront.
This left me baffled. I lost a war to a person who I have never met,
never
known. Never heard of. I wished the girl really makes you happy man. Three months was not short, the period that I was with you, turned out to be amazing but I realized that it was so much better to lose you now, rather than three years down the road. Life as it was, I learned to fix myself. I put broken pieces of myself that
I could and I walked the walk.
I walked out of your life.
It was hard but eventually I did. That was when B, walked into my life.
Like
any other promises, you told me that we would sit through business,
share market
classes, marketing classes, and above all, our chess dates.
That was when you broke my heart once again
by having me finding out that you were indeed
seeing someone else.
The worst kind of pain is actually telling you how precious and how much
I
care about you. I realized you were the kind of person who says one thing and then, does the
other. You were just a friend but I guess that this is it.
I tried fixing myself so hard. Each and every single time somebody takes
a
piece of me with them, I assured myself that it would be okay. That this
are the
steps for me to find The One person who MIGHT make me happy.
That was when person C came in. Thank you for ghosting out
and for promising me
that you were just here like any other.
Thank you for dissappearing after
having me opening up my life story.
You were just there because you wanted, sorry.
You NEEDED a lawyer’s advice and
help. What kind of a friend are you, who would have just abandoned me on
moments I needed you the most?
When all of this happened, I almost gave up. I was at wits ends, assuring
myself that I should give this one more try. That was when person D snuck
around and stayed. We had fun. Amazing dinner dates and long drives.
I would
never forget the drive from Brickfields to Assunta Hospital and coming back again, just
because I was in the mood to see a lake at night.
Like I’ve said above, when life sees me a little happy. That’s when it gives me
a little taste of my own medicine. I found out that Little Mr. Mechanic here is
very much engaged to another soul and belongs to another.
Of course, I had to
break both our hearts knowing this is probably
the last mess I should put
myself in. Because it is never worth the fight.
Never did and never will.
I finally gave in and told myself that I will close my heart.
That this shall
be the end of all of my heart broken episodes.
That was when, you stepped in. You who was my first.
My all time favourite. The
one person who set the bar so high where
I figure nobody could have ever
reached you. The period of waiting for you to be back from ship and boarding again, everything happened in a blink
of an eye but words after words, time after time that you have hurt me,
would they all be worth it? I doubt.
You were amazing. You had always been. I was hurt, torn, broken.
But you
waited. You waited for me to heal. And mend me pieces by pieces.
At the end of it all, you, person E, left too. I hung on to your words.
Your
words weigh a lot to me. But this is you, telling me that you still hasn’t move
beyond the two weeks girl. Making me wonder, you’ve put our 10 months to a
halt, don’t you? Everything was a fucking joke to you, ain’t it?
This is me writing in October that I need to focus on myself and to put a stop to
all this. I need to rebuild myself and my confidence. But where do
I begin,
when each of them has taken very precious pieces of myself?
My heart, my smile,
my hands, my soul and most importantly,
my happiness. Dear people/humans of
Raveenaa’s world, If you think I’m avoiding you and I’ve been really away,
trust me that I am not sorry but
I have been taking time off learning to be alone and really learning to pick myself up. I’ve been sad, really sad but I don’t wanna be sad anymore.
Dear Sadness, where do I begin?
; Dil Mera Blast, Darshvan Raval
