Paradox.

I want to be happy, but then, 
I think of all the things that makes me sad.

I put myself through all of these and then complains,
 why am I always so alone, sad and sappy?

It has been eighteen days long since my last post and tonight, I figure that I would sit and write this post up, because I am feeling all mixed emotions tonight. 
I am forced to sit through this meeting at this hour to draft a crappy letter, and all that is running through my mind, today, tonight, is time.

Of how people time can change any person on planet Earth. Of how time, is so precious that it is something that you cannot have it back. Your time is running out, Raveenaa. It is. Whether you like it or not. It had been    hours, days, let it be months long    
since we even sat and spoke properly.

I want to be able to hold you, exchange hugs and sit across you on a Wednesday, in a cafe, and watch us begin again. I miss you, I do. But how do you tell a
 person that you miss him who do not feel the same? 

But then again, why does it kills to know that you miss me too but this ego of yours just would not bring you to me? What is wrong with you? What is wrong with us?

Finals are so near but I have been playing. I have been dreaming so much. I wish you well in all that you wish to do. So much things to do, yet so little time. Teach me. Turn back time. Let me learn how to move on without you. Let me know how to I pick myself up 

and finish this marathon.

Take care of me. Do it from afar. Do it like how you used to do. You have been my Guardian Angel all these years, continue doing it. Just, please. Do all that makes you happy. Do it as long as it makes you comfortable. Thanks for showing me that all of these never meant anything to you. But then again, why do I expect so much out of persons who can never even be bothered?

Time, advice, lesson, I gave it all to you. I gave you the best that I could. But I was never good enough for you. Never being the one you could seek for help. Never could be the one that you turn to. You claim that I do not understand you. But then again, why do I try so hard to be someone that I am clearly not? 

How do I be good? How do I be the best in your eyes? How do I? Tell me what am I suppose to do to carry on this journey without you, somewhere down the road. How do I breathe and survive? You once told me that God knew exactly what He was doing, when He let me to you. Did He? Did He really?

You were right about one thing. That I would be okay. In the end, this life is mine. And if you don't wish to be a part of it, I have to be the one opening the front door and let you walk out of it instead of holding you back. You being successful is your priority and I wish you nothing but the best in this future undertakings of yours. I'll be fine. I'll be alright. That, I promise you. 

The one thing, that runs through my mind tonight,
you said this love is true. But is it really? 

Was it all just a lie?

Boy, I adore you.

Dear Lost Soul,

 





















I gave you the key to my heart, just a minute. When nobody ever did dare to come near this scarred soul of mine. Honestly, if I could say a thousand things, I believe 

I have already done that. But too many words becomes useless, so I would just leave it at, I wish I could hate you. 

There are just too many instances where I know deep down that you say things on purpose to my face just to push me off. To see whether would I be hurt by it. But, as time goes by, I have come to a realization that maybe this stubbornness of mine have liked you. All of your sides. 

All of those pain, sadness inflicted upon you, I wished
 I could absorb them away. Every single time I looked at you, I died a little inside, knowing I couldn't help but to watch you die a little more each day. What have you done to deserve all of this pain daily? You've been nothing ; 
but such a precious little child.

I wish I could tell you that every time I look at those quiet eyes of yours, they tell me so much. Of things you work 
so hard to hide. Of feelings you've put yourself through. 

You told me words you never meant to say to anyone. 
It was when we were walking up the hill, and I could have promised that, it was the longest walk, I've ever put ourselves through. It was all lies I convinced myself. 
I could see it in your eyes as you laugh to wave them off. You daringly looked me in the eye and told me that you are fine. But how could you be fine at all, if there is never a single day where your mind don't wander off to think about her. I blinked and I swallow my words away. I could feel my throat burning as I forced words out of my mouth. 

You are deserving. You are capable of being loved yet 
you turn people away. You shut people off the instant you know that people care for you. You are so afraid of loving and being loved that you feel so freaking undeserving. 

As we bid goodbyes, I realized that this addiction of you would eventually drive me crazy. It is sad as I fear my words would never be good enough for you, but I would stop at I was on my knees when nobody else was praying, so just hold on. I would do anything just to keep you warm. I would just stay no matter how hard you would push me away. I wished everything I do would be good enough for you to realize because eventually, 
I would be just another girl, you'll forget. 

"Things would be better, soon", 
"Fate has got different plans for us".

You asked why do I worry so much if anything happened to you. It wasn't as if you mattered. Why would I fear if you were going to die. Shamelessly, I just shook my head. I looked so hard at you and questioned myself back why did I even bother. I kept silent as my mind screamed so loudly, I wished you could hear them."I NEED YOU", 
I thought, but I didn't say it.  

Hold on, pain ends. This would eventually end. 
39 more to go :) 

Countdown : 39. 

Topic : Dear Lost Soul,  

Labels : Him, The One, Lost Soul. 

Worthless.

Don't mind me but this post was written four months ago. To be exact, a week before ammama passed away and left forever but to only be published today. These feelings within would never fade I need help. 

I need help, to erase these feelings within away,

 for good. 

 

Disclaimer note from the author, this post was written for a stranger, who became a friend, and then a close family friend and later became a far distance relative 

of mine. I am ashamed, I am tired. I am exhausted. 

I don't want this one anymore. I want to run. I want to escape from you so badly. This one is written just for you and I am wrote this captioning this whole post, 'Worthless'. 

"Forget the past, your future is bright Raveenaa".

Things you used to say to me.

All I seemed to have been thinking, is that, just maybe, I have brought so much trouble to you. I am sorry. 

It takes a lot to make me feel worthless. It takes a whole lot lesser to make me feel equally as worthless as well. Especially, when they come from you. 

I had been wanting to keep it away from you, because I've been thinking what other differences would it make, right? I mean, you knowing or not, wouldn't matter and it won't make any difference, simply because, I was a nobody to you, anyways. 

But that morning, when I woke up, you were there to talk to me, I doubted myself because I didn't wanna tell you, yet you were being so honest and suddenly, I felt, that YOU, of all people needed to know. Of all people I could share this with, YOU needed to know, that I was travelling, that I was going, towards you. 

But you made it as if it's not of a big deal because partially it was my fault as well when I told you that the trip there, was purely on work and business basis. And it was going to be a short one. 

I packed my luggage that morning, half bringing extra clothes wishing we could at least meet, for lunch 

at the very least, because technically, it had been

 three months long since we last saw each other. 

But, when I was there. You did no signs of welcoming me, nor asked how was the journey. It made me feel a little uncomfortable at first. But I convinced myself that it was alright, perhaps, I was overthinking this. 

I slept in that night, wishing it would all be okay, because I was so drained and exhausted from the drive up North, but when I woke up the next day, mom convinced me to spend the day perhaps squeezing in a moment with you. Yet, she told me that she was going to be occupied with work, so that was when I thought, I should put you in. It took 
a whole lot of guts in me to text you tho. 

It made me feel so guilty when you told me you've got plans and I honestly have no idea how were we even going to meet considering you seemed pretty busy, I would say. Yet, you, you made me feel, worthless. Honestly you did. 

It wasn't as if I was always forcing and begging you so that you could fit in to my time. For once, I let my guard down, I let my ego down and I came clean to be honest yet, all you seem to do is let me down. 

Perhaps my caring game went too strong. Perhaps it was my mistake for being too nice and open minded. When all my friends told and keep reminding me to draw a line, why is it that I never wanted to listen?

I tried so so hard, to at least seek for you, even when I know that should not. Yet all you do is shut and turn me down. It makes me sad, honestly, it does. 
You make me worried as heck, yet how do I keep moving when it is you, that we're talking about. 

You asked when would I be heading back, and I felt so devastated by it. Hurt and torn. I honestly couldn't bring myself to answer you, because I do not know how to reply to that statement. Yet, I felt I didn't wanna bother you much. I just wanted to let this go. 

With such a busy schedule of yours, I couldn't believe my eyes when you went to the extend to ask such statements asking me why would I not 
be visiting another. Well, of course I would meet everyone when I could, right. Clearly, it shows 
how little you even knew you, you know?

Deep down, I didn't wanna bother you, really, I don't. I honestly feel that I would just be a burden to you. And I would really bring troubles to you. When we be friends, I never really thought this insecurities of mine would hit this way, so I knew I had to convince you, that everything is alright. That I would be okay. 
That all is well over here. That I would look after myself and have fun. I promised to get back to you, which I didn't. I promised that we would figure this out together. But how do I be chill when all I seem to feel and think is that, I am such a burdensome and problematic person to you, to even be around with. 
I really don't wanna be troublesome to, you. 

With so much of assurance from me, you just said okay, and let me go. Just like that. Perhaps, you should leave. I am sorry. All I seemed to have been thinking, is that, just maybe, I have brought 
so much trouble to you. I am sorry. 

Topic : Worthless.