Crooked.

This is written on behalf of a friend who has been with me through thick or thin after all these years. Solid six years. Who always tells me that I could be anything that I have always wanted, as long as I believed in myself. That it is okay to lose hope in anybody, except in myself. You had the most trust in ME over anyone else. For never giving up in myself, for teaching me the definition of life. I miss you, to be honest. And writing this, I know you are going to read this, so this is dedicated to you. I wrote this on behalf of you, quoting you here and there. Do know, this one's for you.

Tonight. I told myself that I would sit and write something up not bothering at the fact that my work is still left untouched. Not caring at the very sole fact that my books are still in my bags. Not worrying about 
the upcoming tests, planned out dinners, 
chores, commitments, one after the other.

I've decided to sit and to blog and to rant about something I've been keeping inside me for so long and I guess, if it wasn't for now, then when? 

I don't know anyway to put these in nicer words, thus, 
I really pray every morning and night before I go to sleep, that nothing would come up anymore like after this for myself, simply because for the past years in law school, I haven't been sitting and revising, not attending classes, skipping tutorials like there is no tomorrow and all sorts of crap. And it makes me feel, one thing, if I am sure as hell doing all this only in the fifth semester, what happens to the upcoming three semesters? Would I continue? What would happen?

Friends. Yes, friends. 
I have been so exhausted lately. For putting up with people's attitude and tantrums. It had just been really hard on me. It makes it even harder when I have no one to bring these matters up to because when you say something, it would definitely end up going to the person. It makes it harder because these days, I don't know who is worth the fight and who isn't anymore.

How do you put it in a nicer way that I seriously am sick and tired? Sleep doesn't even help anymore. 
I believe if I were to sleep for 75 days straight, I would still wake up feeling exhausted. And it sucks, because
 I really wanna be happy. 

I cannot help but to seem to others to be pushing the people away who meant the most to me away. The reason is simple. I seriously cannot afford to hurt you. I personally mean these words. It sucks you know when I have to always be the one taking the bullets for the entire thing doesn't matter whether it is a small issue or a big one. It sucks because everything seemed to be stuck, just because I decided not to pursue on things.

Sometimes, I just want to be the one pampered. The one, someone looked at and asked, how is your day? Or how are you holding up? Or to even say the slightest thing of all, to tell me, Raveenaa, hang in there. The darkest days are coming to an end. 
Just hang in there.

I wished you knew how much it hurts when I see other people taking an advantage out of you. I knew I should have cared less when at the end of the day, it is your call always. It sucks because sometimes, doing the best things for you can seemed to be so wrong in your eyes. I really wished that you knew what is right 
AND WHAT IS WRONG.

Therefore, I have decided to let it all go. I need to stop thinking about the entire clan and to even think about it for a while. Thus, I beg of you, to just leave me
 alone for now and to not even bother.

Next, commitments. Do me a favour. Just don't come up with anything right now. I seriously don't know how to tell people off in nice ways. So, if you are really putting up things that I don't approve of, please don't blame me at the end of the day. Because seriously, to me, you never take anything in your life seriously. It is time for you to learn. I seriously should learn to say no and I seriously just want to come back home everyday and every second of my life. Sighs. 

People? Yes, people. These days, I have been noticing that people are indeed staying away. Well, 
I guess, it is for the good. Some comes back to tell me how much they have missed me and some have not been coming back. And of all people, it is you, I missed the most. I am seriously clueless as to how should I put this but it makes me numb to even think about you.

A month has almost passed, yet, your exact words still rings in my ears. I can still hear your exact words, your exact curse and once again, I go back to my first and foremost point, it sucks. Because in this place, people would either want to bring you down or tear you apart. So, honestly, it hurts this bad. I have been losing people. So, I often question myself. Is it for the good 
OR IS IT FOR THE BAD?

To the one who decided to leave our friendship hanging after everything I have done for you. To the one who have decided to leave because you found someone with a better face and body. To the one who have been so busy chasing money that you decided that I wasn't worth it any longer. To the person who thinks that the friendship was more than everything ever was. To the one who is so busy working that has decided that the term "we" were no longer in a picture together. To the one who have never been The One, EVER, IN MY LIFE. 

I can't help but to tell you how much it wounds my heart and my soul to be losing each and everyone of you in such a short time and the best thing is at one go, one after the other. It is indeed infecting me. Let it be how much it sucks that I forgot your mum's birthday or of the second one, that I forgot to wish you luck for your exams, or let it be even your favourite cup of coffee or even your favourite colour. Your favourite singer or let it be your favourite kind of hugs. I have put a stop to all of it now. Wishing that I would finally, in the end, forget everything that has made me unhappy. 

And finally, before the end of this post.

To the one, who had never been The One, ever.

 Do you know of how exhausting it gets? 

At the very fact that I am still holding on
 to something so illustrative. 

Because the stress gets to me. People often say that to only fully understand somebody better, you are required to be in that person's shoes. Because you could then understand how one feels about things.

I have always wished that you could put yourself in 
my shoes. Money, advice, time, I gave it all to you.

Yet, after all that, we've been through, you decided to just walk off from me. From us. How could you finally made up your mind to gave up on us? To put us past behind you? How could you choose to put everything past me, past us and made it as if everything 
didn't matter to you at all. Even for one tiny bit.

Truth to be told, there was a part of me that wished. That honestly wished that you would change. That 
I could be the one that changed you. That we would defy gravity and we could turn back time
and relive all of our memories together.

But I guess, I am just the stupid one after all.

  I have to just keep on praying for strength to go   
  through days ahead that was already indeed 
 planned out for me. Four to five a.m. thoughts. 

Question : You saved everyone else's. 
So who saves you?
Answer : If you know what is going on in my head, 
trust me, you would kill yourself. 

2017 Lovelies.

I am going to really laugh at this ,

but before I begin posting anything, hello! 

My blog turns 6 years old today.

 So congratulations yay! 

Before I even begin writing, 

I ought to say that I have four pending blog rolls. 

One is on drowning, the other is on my Penang trip, 

the third one is a dedication post and lastly ; this one. 

So I thought I might as well release

 this first and name it, 2017. 

Dear 2017,

If there is one thing I could start with I thought 

I should kick off this blog post with a new list of resolution. But, be right back while I die laughing 
at myself, cause who am I going to lie to? It is just going to be another damn to-do-list. But oh well, if it last, then good for me. And if it doesn't then ; so be it. 

I thought I should start with my new 17 New Year's Resolution List. And before I began writing, I dug up my old New Year's List and thought I should revamp and rewrite this whole thing simply because I really want it to be DO ABLE and ACHIEVABLE. 

I am going to be so honest upon writing this post that 
I am so sleepy to even think about anything right now. But, since a few of you have requested on resolutions, 
I guess this would be it. 

Since it is year two thousand and SEVENTEEN right? So, here are my 17 list.

1. Make this year better than 2016, 2015, 2014.....

 and the list goes on.

2. More food hunts.

3. Improve on all physical, mentally 

and most importantly, spiritual being. 

Head more to temples. Do more service instead of prayers. Commit to myself first and then work things out with other people. Really need to start at this age cause I am honestly running out of time. Sighs. 

4. Save money. 

And I mean it okay. 

5. Help others.

I need to go back to volunteering. I need to get this 
old folks' home plans, animal shelters and orphanages home happen. I honestly need to get this going. 

6. More trips. 

Been so long since I last travel, been wanting 

to visit China this year. Fingers crossed. 

7. Family, amma in specific. 

I honestly need to spend more time with her. 
I need to come back home more often and stop spending so much time in university with activities. 

I should travel home weekly, really.

8. Pick up a new hobby.

I've been thinking about going for sewing class. 

Now don't laugh okay. But legit. My mother and my maternal grandmother could sew cheongsam and saree blouses by themselves and then there is me who barely could not even fix a simple hole. I literally find so much trouble to even poke the thread through the string.

9. Write a business plan. 

I've been speaking to you, about executing the business ideas and to actually expanding that. But that being said, I need to start saving first. It is never wrong 

to learn on Unit Trust and Investment, is it? 

10. Read More Books.

Now, by reading, I've come to a realization that a lot 
of my novels are on fictions, Young Adult, animals, 
oh trust me, I have so much on animals thanks to elder brother, but I should probably start reading 
on philosophy and understanding them.

11. Be Kinder to Nature.

I need to learn this I guess. 
To have more greenery in my life. 

12. Keep a journal. In hard copy or through this blog?

I actually scrolled back to my 2011 posts 
and found out that much to my surprise, the reason why I started writing was so that one day, I could pass the username and password to my baby daughter 
just so she could continue writing. And I would tell 
her all of the stories behind each and every post.

13. Bring more peace to my life.

I wouldn't say that 2016 had been very rough on me. Heck I wouldn't even say that it was nice to me. 
But I've come to a realization that I've lost more people than I could keep track of and I need to learn this that, THAT IT IS OKAY, it is okay to lose people and to gain more people. Because those who care wouldn't mind, and those who mind wouldn't even matter. 

So where were we again? 

14. Break a bad habit.

I've been telling others that I really need to stop cursing. I've made it a promise that I am going to do it right this year, that if I actually made it through this year, I vowed to give something back in return. That is for me to know and for you to find out. Winks.
 I actually took a proper oath in front of Shivan to help me out on this matter. I knowwwwww. Scary but I'll be okay. Another note is, EGO must go, no matter 

how high I go, GOT TO STAY LOW. 

15. More tea dates definitely.

As much as I hate to admit it, it makes my teeth yellow ugh. I need to head more to tea sessions. To be honest, I've been thinking about redoing my list every start of the month and I could tick them off by the end
 of the month to see where I have come to though.

16. Become more polite and reduce stress. 

I basically just need to learn to adapt.
 I need to be happy with what I have in life and not seek for more. I need to learn to be grateful with what I have instead of complaining all the time. After all, 
I think, all I need is to reinventing myself, and
 to give myself a whole new of perspective on life.

LASTLY ; 

17. Love deeper, not harder.

To always let people know that I love them. 
That even on the day when I leave planet Earth,
 they would carry a memory of me 
till their very last breath. 

That's about it for now!

Adios!