Raveenaa Talks The Talk: May 2014

Have you ever been so mad? Of course

everyone had been angry before in life, one

way or another, right? What I am trying to ask

you is that have you ever been so mad at somebody that you have no words to say to them? You have no mean or bad words to curse at them simply because of the love and concern you have for them? I am mad at myself, not you.

I am mad for always being nice. I am mad for apologizing for things I didn't do. I am mad for getting attached to you. I am mad for thinking about you. But most of all, I am mad for not hating you, when

I should. I am mad at myself, not you.

And yes, that is what I have for you.

I sincerely have no idea what is even wrong with the whole situation right now. Could you help explain a little to me? I got to grasp the whole situation in my head right now. I couldn't even understand the bigger picture. Why would you even play the hot and cold game with me? You could call me out one night and asked me to get a dinner date table. And the next thing I knew, when everything was set out on the table, you decided to just cut me off your life again.

Is this a form of punishment from you? Or is karma playing its game on us? Everyone around you came to tell me that you've been seeking around for me. You've been asking people around for me, were you? But why are your ego so high when you came to face me? Especially when it comes to things about me. What is it that the both of us cannot talk to upfront? What is it that we both cannot manage to solve? Everyone tells me that you're wonderful. I used to belive that too. I used to think that way. I thought it was true. But tonight, I am unsure of myself. I don't know what to believe. I am starting to think otherwise. I am beginning to doubt myself again.

It is like this. It works this way. You only let the boss know of your dad's passing and you expects him to be quiet about it. Of course, you knew that he would surely hunt me down and tell me about it. Well I know it is pretty disappointing and all at the very sole idea of me not having a direct phone and all. And that everyone had been trying their level best to contact me when they knew. But then again, what are social networks for then? What I don't understand is that what is with you and being so angry about it? It is not like I cut you off my life completely. You had always took a spot in my heart, and you would always be. That is the ugly truth. It is like you are always gonna have this permanent reservation in my heart. Which part of it all that don't you understand?

You knew I would always have a soft spot on things whenever it comes to you so you always took it slow. Tortured me on daily basis this way. You were indeed supposedly to be available last night. But you decided to stood me out. You stood me out for four hours. It wasn't like four minutes small matter, bro. It was freaking four hours long. Time may be alright for you to waste, but what I never did understood in this whole time was you did have the opportunity to tell me that you needed to be away for hours. That you needed time and space to be gone a while. I would have GLADLY grabbed a vampire novel and kept myself busy instead of gripping on dearly to the phone like it is my life or something, right?

I waited and waited till I decided to give in.

I finally deleted it off and then I settled to watch movie. My heart was beating so fast and loudly last night. My mind was racing. How would I know the fact that you would be sitting for a lecture class then? And you know what hurts the most? It was the best moment when I saw that you were available two hours ago. Tears streamed down my cheek. I am seriously speechless. I wondered what have I ever done to you that you are happily playing this tug-of-war game with me? Perhaps, you think I'm free, eh?

Your best friend came to drag my hand away from the crowd yesterday. And the first thing he said to me that you are holding up and doing fine now. That he was worried about how would I be doing. Of course I had to put up a smile and tell him life is good and sort. But then again, I took a step back in life and wondered aloud to myself, what is life without you? Seriously. I am saying this probably because I adore, cherish and really love you as a family member. And I think that is the one part you clearly do not see at all. That you are so emotionless, heartless, feeling less and numb when it comes to matter of love.

I was at home when your worker decided to drop by and came to see me last night. Despite being awaken for almost 48 hours, I managed to recognize the guy. Thank God I was decently dressed. The first thing that he asked me was that why did I decided to disappear off your life for decades and centuries. I know that you probably miss me as much as I miss you. But you seriously have no idea how much I miss you terribly. And the one thing you probably cannot understand right now is that I am busy seriously at this phase in life. Really. I am taken away by family issues and there are things I have to handle for now :(

Your worker even took the effort to told me that you saw him this morning. The first question you decided to ask him was how is she doing. And your worker was so blur thinking in his mind which "she" you were mentioning until you had to blurt out my name then only he manages to figure things out. I wondered what took you so hard to pronounce the name, Raveenaa. I wondered why you can even consider thinking making up your mind that I moved away from you. That I have changed and all that when the both of us had been talking, texting and calling plus chatting all these while. I wondered why did you said that. I wondered why you never did tell your worker that we have been keeping in touch. Probably due to the fact that you are ashamed of me? I know it had been a year long, but I don't remember even once at all that we never moved away from each other. To be honest, I had always kept you close to my heart.

It is alright. It is okay. So don't you bother what I do. I wouldn't be okay without you but I would be alright. I would survive anyways. I have no option when being strong seems to be my one and only choice left. I would get all of these done since I've started them so I shall pass them all to your worker and get him to give it to you on my behalf. Hope you like it that way then. But up until now this moment, I can only pretty much guessed last night gave me the right answer. That I can, only come to one conclusion in the end.