Saturday, April 29, 2017

Beautiful Soul :']

I wished I knew that this was coming. 
That people were going to leave me and ; 
I was expected to just watch them leave and ;
those who cares, would eventually stay.
I have been feeling that 24 hours is not even sufficient for me. With so many classes to catch up with, workload on pending, and never ending list of people to meet, I feel as if I cannot pull through this phase of life. And it scares me that I cannot 
seem to find time for anything or people that I love.
Until recently, when I spoke to you, I realized that you do not understand any part of these which I am going through. It doesn't makes me angry, yet I am sad because to me, you should have known better. 
And despite after all that we have gone through, it makes me feel you just wanted to benefit out of all of this. How do I put a value to our friendship? I can never place a price tag on it. But when I hear all of those words you uttered, for once, I feel that I need to remove toxic people like you, away, from my life.
Lately, I think I just enjoy being alone. I love the quietness I have and people who I need are all along me. I just needed the 5 friends who would go against the world, with me. And it took me so long to realize that, I enjoy my own company. It makes me sad and numb, but three words for myself, life. goes. on.
 
Thus, there would be changes now. 
It is time to invest in new people. It is time to let go of the past and stop beating myself up over it. Pointless. Exasperating. So, why not find other people till I figure who is compatible and who doesn't.
To those who have always stayed, I couldn’t thank you enough. It is during this lowest hit rock bottom time of mine that you all stayed despite having me to keep pushing you all away. Keep staying because it is during this darkest of times that I needed you all most. Thank you for never leaving my side and 
always helping me to tug on. Thank you for being the greatest and strongest pillar I have in life, loves.
I think what most people do not understand is that when you are in a bad mood, just don’t mix them up with bad words. Eventually your mood will past but never your words. And I think this is me included. When one says something, I tend to let it take the best out of me because that’s what people do. They criticizes and comments the best out of you, points fingers and makes me feel all insecure and things.
But I have learnt, the hard way of course, that I need to let this attachment go. I’ve cried, I’ve tried so hard yet I still fail. And I slowly began that there are changes, between the both of us. I honestly do not know if this leads to the better or the worst, but I do know that, I have done my part. One day, I would be able to turn back and comfort myself to say that, 
“ Hey, at least I’ve tried ”. 
How can some people just be so mean? How can some people be so dark inside that it burns them to always be so hateful. Haven't you heard that inner beauty comes from within? Why do you have so much unhappiness and unhappiness within you that you have to destroy another? Can you live with that thought that you’ve destroyed another beautiful soul? Another beautiful soul like me, in specific. 

Saturday, April 22, 2017

I sat there...

I sat there, staring, wishing if only
 I could actually see myself from another person’s view.
I sat there, wishing that I release this soul of mine, 
of all the torment that I puts it through.
I sat there, half wishing that if I could turn back time,
 I would pray to meet you from another person’s view.
I sat there and I wished that perhaps these air particles would turn me into her. I wished I was good enough for you.
 I wished I was broken enough for you to tell me that it is okay to be damaged, that perhaps it is alright to be this way.
I sat there across the coffee table, staring at you as I could feel hot tears run down my cheek as I try my hardest to speak yet no words was coming out of my throat. I see you there, clearly indulged in this new life of yours. Perhaps
 one who doesn’t have anybody that burdens you anymore.
I sat there feeling all sorry for I was such a pathetic being. 
I was never there on days you needed me. I had always been such an independent lady. I had never counted on anyone to back me up. I never needed anyone, cause I was so used 
to be left behind that I feel, I no longer need to deal 
with this part of human being. Not until, you came along.
I sat there, wishing you would have known me slightly earlier. A little earlier from all the people I knew. I would have adored the way your hair sways or how you 
brush them backwards during your basketball practices.
I sat there and my thoughts began ponder, running themselves into milky way of thoughts and I began thinking that perhaps, if it wasn’t for the sad poet that I knew of, I wouldn’t have even met you. It amazes me as to how much people think they are a similar person, but deep down, I truly see differences in the both of you. The Poet and well, 
my ma. Yeps, sorry used to be mine.
I sat there so desperately trying to reach out to you, but my thoughts were taken aback. It was as if they were engulfed by this big shadowy Mr. Midnight guy as he swallows me and turns my thoughts into ones that haunts me forever.
I sat there and began questioning myself. I cannot afford to lose you, really I can’t. I’ve grown so used to having you around that the thought of no longer having you around, sinks. I remember always telling you that my answer would always be you. Over and over again, I choose you. 
But when I hear you that day, I knew that I lost this war.
I sat there trying to digest the thought of not speaking to you for the past four days and adrenaline kicked in as I dared myself to picked up the phone to hear your voice. I wasn’t ready for you to bid that final goodbye. But when you acted as if everything was okay and fine, it broke me. It tore me open I swore it felt like a gazillion knives stabbed through me in a deep blue ocean and I was left open to die.
I sat there trying to convince myself that perhaps when you hear what was I going to say you will at least change your mind. But then, you brought her up. You spoke things about her and my mind began its work as to how I shouldn’t be the reason why you both might stop talking to each other again.
I sat there and I could feel how much I was trembling. 
It wasn’t very cold but I felt as if I wanted to vomit my entire lungs out cause I hate this motion sickness in me. 
I did my hardest, I tried my hardest. I gave my all, it was never good enough for her. What killed me even more was that she mocked me behind my back, despite having me do this all for her. What blackmailed me even more is that I looked up to you, my dear. I adored you because I thought you were a pretty Iron Lady who does know her worth and you were going to go far. But little did I know, that it was
 all misused by you, and you had it real good, babe. 
Guess what? You won!
I sat there and felt like I was gasping for air. 
It felt as if I have not been breathing but I wished I could have convinced you to stay. I wished I could show you my part of the world, of how you have painted them as you entered my life. I wished I was better at convincing you to ask you to stay in my life and make you see, for yourself, of how much I’ve achieved with you around. Of how much fun you’ve brought about and how much joy you’ve brought to my family and I. How do I tell you to pick between the both of us? How do I live with the thought that these are the people who have known you longer than me. After all, what have I done so wrong to have achieve such a treatment?
I sat there thinking, why didn’t you said a word about any of these? Why didn’t you stand up for me? Is this how things are going to be from now onwards? That I was supposed to act? That perhaps, down the road, when somebody asked me whether do I know you, and I would answer that “I used to?”. It kills bae, it kills so much for not being able to tell you all of these. But if there is somebody, that makes 
you feel happy, then who am I, to stand in your way?
I sat there and finally realized, that I was really wrong. 
That you are not my first or my last choice, 
cause you were indeed my BEST choice. 



22 : 40 p.m. 

Sunday, April 16, 2017

I Wrote This Song, Just Looking At YOU.

I could hear my breath quicken as I struggled to try and put words into my mouth as I see you there. 
It has been days that I have been trying so hard to tell you what is going on. I have been trying my level best to let you know what is up. Yet all you seem to do is to shut me down. It got me wondering, 
do you even deserve to know?
Honestly, I wish that there was a part of me that mattered to you. That a part of me that you would care. That I would be of importance to you. Why is it that I've always been running back again to you? 
Is this how it is supposed to feel like? You were amongst who I could turn to, but when you told me about all of it, for once I knew I should be happy for you. Advice, time, importance, I gave it all to you. Where else could I do wrong?
Is this how I am supposed to be feeling? Because if it is, I am sure as Hell I do not like it even for its tiniest bit. And if this is how our stories end, then perhaps, 
I should, learn to let go. But what if I refused to? 
After all, who are you to decide what is right and what is wrong in my life? Who are you to have the call as to who STAYS and who LEAVES my life? 
Why do you always make me listen to you despite the very sole fact that at the very end, you would leave. How do I do this tho? How do I do this, without you? 
Don't.
Please. Do something. Erase this feelings off me. 
I would plead. I beg. I kicked and I cried. I would do whatever it takes just so I could take this off myself.
I could hear my breath quicken as I tried to put words into my mouth as I see you. I wanted to tell you, 
all of it. Every little details of it.
It was then when you asked if you could go first and you told me all about it. All about her. You said, you see your future in her. You see things in her that you don't in me. It honestly made me feel so used. Like you are done playing. So you decided to chuck me aside. You went running to her, once she calls. 
And honestly, it makes me sick to the core.
As much as it hurt even more, how do I tell myself that it isn't my loss to even begin with? To tell myself that I would be okay after making you my all. 
Every little details, tiniest most petite things, it was always you, who would have known of them first. 
It is okay. I'll danced it out. I'll be okay. I'll laughed it out. I'll be okay. Besides you've got her now. You're in good hands tho. She's there for you and vice versa. 
I should be happy. For you, for the very least. 
But this is me, swallowing my pride, knowing it was these insecurities that would be the end of me one day. You were right about one thing though. The worst memory out of this would have been the fact that she has won. That she won this war to replace me out in your life. For real, if this makes you happy, then I am leaving. I am walking for real.
And besides, it is your happiness that matters.
P.S. After all of these, 
how could I still tell you how I feel about you? 
Have a blessed Easter Celebration Year 2017, loves!

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Moments.


I've always wanted to write on time. 
Moments. Seeing the hours tick away. 
Seeing how the sand in an hour glass falls gracefully gathering themselves at the bottom of the glass. 


People often say that time heals everything. 
Give it time, you would eventually get over it. Time would pass. That one day in time, all of this would not even matter. That you shouldn't be too hard 
on yourself cause after all life is just temporary. 


Some tells you that the only thing you could never return or obtain back to would definitely be time. 
If that is so, explain the time travelling concept then? Define the theory of parallel universe then? Don't they defy gravity and prove that we are able to live at different times at a point with the same old soul?


You see, the point of this post was not intended to dwell on how time can heal us or how we could travel through time. But how we, mankind appreciates time. I grew up in such school system, it has always been a practice to be 10 to 15 minutes earlier
 for a meeting. Simplest terms where my parents 
are punctual persons when it comes to gathering etc, they are never late simply because their job requires THAT out of them. My family has raised us to figure 
in a way to our potentials and maximum limits.


Paint classes, Taekwondo classes, piano arrangements, tuition, arithmetic class, script writing classes, chinese classes and swimming classes, you name it. They have all signed it up for us and made sure each and every one of us finished what we started. Yet as much as I hated my timetable back then when I was younger, cause I swore it had always been so hectic back when we were younger taking up classes and etc, but my parents had always made it a point to us to never be late for classes. You wouldn't believe it, but in my eleven years of studying, correction, I did Form Six too, so 13 years? I was never late to school. Not even once. P/S : I've never skipped school too, well, unless it's an emergency 
or the fact that my deskmate is skipping class 
for the day. Heh. I miss Ashweenia, I really do.



But that being said, I really have always appreciated time and as much as it would surprise you, I have come to a conclusion that the best gift you are able to give somebody would be time. This reminds me how less of a time I've spent with you. I've lost you and I feel so torn apart ever since. Since July, it isn't even a year yet, but I do see you when I dream, 
and it isn't the kind of good dream. It is always the nightmare. The pain, the suffering that you when you go through whilst you lived. You were never happy. Now that I think about it, you've never had happy days when you were living. There was always poverty to be dealt with. Raising the family. Looking at the bigger picture. Saving everybody else. I miss you, ammama. How long has it been? Seven months 
since you passed and I seem to not got over it yet.


I rarely speak of you, yet, I cannot seem to bring myself to speak of you. Really. Because in my mind till today, you're still around. As much as it scares me, we used to be back so frequently every year. We're always in Taiping, Chinese New Year, June, August and December every single year. And these days, we rarely even go, and if we could run out of it, we would because the memories just haunts us. We cannot seem to move past me. One year once, during Chinese New Year itself seems a bit too much for us. I miss Taiping. I really do. It was always stress when you were around, last time, but now that you're gone, I MISS YOU, grandma. If I could turn back TIME. 


Why is life so unfair? Why do God take you away from me. You were in much pain but when I visited you last, you held my hand and you promised me that you were going to stay, but now where have you gone to? Everyone clearly convince me that it is time to let you go. That medication isn't going to heal you and as day passes, the cancer was just killing you more and more. It was taking the best out of you. The day of your passing, uncle told us that you ate so much of porridge that day. They said, before you let go of your last breath, you asked for the three of us. 
You asked about Sureen ( my elder brother and your favourite grandchild ) and everyone told you how well we're doing, and that everyone's good and fine. 


As much as it is hard it believe this, I cannot believe that I would be returning this weekend for the first year prayers. The Qingming or Ching Ming Festival, also known as Tomb-Sweeping Day in English is a traditional Chinese festival on the first day of the fifth solar month of the traditional Chinese calendar. This is the 15th day after the Spring Equinox, falling on 4th April 2017. This is also known as the Chinese Memorial Day or Ancestors' Day. I need all of the strength I could get for needing to be at the cemetery this weekend. How do I be expected to stand before your tombstone and still be okay? *cries*


Any one of you who would be in Taiping this mid semester break, do let me know. I am driving up North this Friday itself so catch you there? 


Before I end, Happy Mid Semester Break and to the Chinese relatives who would be back to respective hometown, drive and be safe. That's about it!


HAPPY MID SEMESTER BREAK 2017!

Beautiful Soul :']

I wished I knew that this was coming.  That people were going to leave me and ;  I was expected to just watch them leave and ; thos...